Posts in category: MANAGE MOOD

There are 30 guilt trips you don’t have to go on even when you’re told to. Why allow anyone to practice psychology on you, or your self-image, without a valid license? IT’s amazin’ how many pokes, prods, slams, jams, stabs, zings, sticks and stones, arrows, slaps and put-downs, projections, rejections and slights, self-esteem zappers and other energy-draining tunes that can be sung until you have a splitting headache. Yup, so I’m going to tell you straight and plain how to TALK SENSE to yourself accurately when a “guilt hurler” is trying to drag you down and make you frown.

GUILT TRIPPERS ARE ILLEGALLY PRACTICING PSYCHOLOGY WITHOUT A LICENSE

“NegaTalkers” or “Psychocritiquers” are guilt trippers who make you feel judged as “not good enough” just as you are. So, well…I’ll skinny down to 30 picky and prickly critiques of “psychocritiquers” who are illegally practicing psychology without a license.

A powerfully positive comeback that you can use inside your head when guilt trippers are spreading it on thick is:

“If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOES NOT FIT ME.”

30 POSITIVELY ACCURATE SELF-TALK COMEBACKS TO THE 30 GUILT TRIPS YOU DON’T WANT TO GO ON

Here’s how to TALK SENSE TO YOURSELF (first talk to yourself instead of defensively reacting or counter-attacking) when a GUILT BOMBER is invading your emotional mind with a draining energy. It’s like playing the “Simon says…game…only you refuse to play along.

1. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU always have to be SO difficult?

A Thorough Self-Examination: Honestly, WHY DO I always have to be SO difficult? Am I being TOO difficult now? No, after taking a closer look at myself, I don’t think this shoe fits me. Whoa, I’ve got to go easy here…because I’m SO prone to picking up bad feelings (projected criticisms, guilt) that don’t belong to me. Alright, I know where I stand now and what my true answer is.

Positively Accurate Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

2. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DON’T YOU change without my having to nag you?

A Thorough Self-Examination: Honestly, WHY DON’T I change my ways without needing to be nagged? Am I encouraging nagging by my procrastination? No, after taking a closer look at myself, I don’t think this shoe fits me. Whoa, I’ve got to go easy here…because I’m SO prone to picking up bad feelings (projected criticisms, guilt) that don’t belong to me. Alright, I know where I stand now and what my true answer is.

Positively Accurate SELF-TALK: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

3. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU sound off like the world’s worst communicator?

A Thorough Self-Examination: WHY DO I sound off like the world’s worst communicator? Am I encouraging criticism by being negative and complaining all the time? No, after taking a closer look at myself…I don’t think this shoe fits me. Whoa, I’ve got to go easy here…because I’m SO prone to picking up bad feelings (projected criticisms, guilt) that don’t belong to me. Alright, I know where I stand now and what my true answer is.

Positively Accurate Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

4. PSYCHOCRITIQUER SAYS: Why DO YOU have to always be so negative?

A Thorough Self-Examination: WHY DO I have to always be so negative? Am I a negative person who croons a negative tune? Am I seeing the glass as half-empty, and not looking through my mistakes to the miracles? No, after taking a closer look at myself…I don’t think this shoe fits me. Whoa, I’ve got to go easy here…because I’m SO prone to picking up bad feelings (projected criticisms, guilt) that don’t belong to me. Alright, I know where I stand now and what my true answer is.

Positively Accurate Self-Talk: “If the shoe fits, baby…and that shoe DOESN’T fit ME!”

Are you enmeshed in a “drama atmosphere” at work or home that involves DISTRACTIONS galore, such as, grouchiness, grousing, negative talking, empty promising, high-brow pep-talks that are simple talk, empty word-talk that doesn’t solve problems or signal change?

Ah, my unfavorite pick of “talking head” distractions is this one: “Oh, I’ll get to IT…really, I promise…BUT I’m just too busy to get TO IT right now.” Truth is, the speaker won’t get to it, ever, and you will get to feel irritated, instead…if you permit yourself to.

PSYCHODRAMA

Why do we tolerate “drama…drama” in the work/loveplace? Because “psychodrama” DISTRACTS drivers and passengers from looking squarely at true results that range from poor to pathetic “we’re lost” outcomes. It’s sort of like saying while driving, “Hey, wow, look over there…you’ve got to see this or you’ll miss out!” Thus, “psychodrama mind games” or “talking trash” absolutely fogs up the windshield of your mind by confusing talking with doing…intending with delivering…saying “I’ll try to do it” instead of “I will do IT today!”

The truth is that the purpose of “work or personal psychodrama” is to keep the focus off of whether or not, “YES or NO…WHY or WHY NOT,” your fellow talk traveler is ACTUALLY achieving the promised results previously pontificated and punctuated with BIG CONFIDENT TALK. In fact, have you ever noticed when it’s time for an ineffective worker to receive their come-uppance, and unexpected “crisis” flares up? Hum…coincidence?

CHICANERY: TALKING IN CIRCLES

SO when you feel frustrated, probably there is a lack of agreed-upon results and loads of propaganda, distortions, lies, tall tales, logical sounding excuses and plain ole chicanery. Here’s how you know that you’re getting conned by “a drama King or Queen” at work:

1. AVOIDS. Does the “urgent” but unimportant. Too busy doing great things (i.e. helping others/self) to stay focused on the small things that reap great rewards.

2. DEBATES. Uses “what if” rhetoric that wins points, such as, “I’m thinking of doing” or “This plan is really going to work miracles.” Arguments are precisely logical, finely nuanced. Results are lackluster.

3. VERBOSITY. Although you may hear a blustery, “My actions speak for themselves!” there will still be inadequate results/actions (unkept promises) when measured closely. If you inquire about this discrepancy…be prepared for the talks to heat up.

4. HAIR-SPLITTING. Big, empty words are SO impressive. This is the old “Thou shalt say a lot and split fine hairs but do NOT answer the question!” approach. If you say enough gibberish, people will turn off and want you to stop torturing them with time-wasting, empty words.

5. TALKER NOT DOER. A talker is not a doer because promises are made to do better, but are rarely kept. “BUT I didn’t INTEND TO” is a legalistic form of self-defense to knock most counter-arguments down.

6. STIRS THE POT. Same as being the “master of avoidance” but preferred by the extroverts among us who can work a crowd. Pot stirrers keep things so riled up with “people problems,” that not much effective work gets done. “If you say something…will you do the something you say?!” cuts to the chase.

7. BRAIN DRAIN. Have you noticed being “dumbed down” when it comes to “words?” People don’t think words have meaning any more because words have been corrupted. Our brains have been drained of the ability to discern “truth.”

8. PROPAGANDIZING. Using powerful communication tools unethically to, “Lead the horse to water AND make him drink against his will.”

9. PSYCHOCRITIQUES. Being a “legend in m/y/our own mind” and “criticizing” ohers personality flaws and gossiping behind backs.

10. PLAYING SYMPATHY STRINGS. Playing on the sympathies of caring Empathizer types, even to the point of crying, about how we are “too stressed and busy” to get the crucial job done. Excessive self-esteem.

11. EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM. Symptoms include sharing secrets, co-dependency, ethical oversights, lax boundaries, mind games, power trips, threats and tears, angry aggressiveness, talking over, using relationships for personal gain, not having any problems, thus, not needing to change.

12. FORGETTING WHO YOU ARE. Insensitive people are not good at letting you know how badly they need you, and equally good at making sensitive people feel like cold toast via power trips.

13. TALKING TRASH. Talking “trash” means going on-and-on about how you’re too busy to do what’s important to you…including hanging out with positive people, places and things.

14. DISTRACTION(S) GALORE. Threats/jeers/tears/fears sum up “the best defense is a good offense” guerilla talk tactics of psychodrama players at work. As long as you stay DISTRACTED…they aren’t on the hook to deliver the promised results.

PLAYIN’ THOSE MIND GAMES…WHEN THE RUBBER OF WORDS MEET THE ROAD OF REAL LIFE

Work (and family) psychodrama players are like the Wizard in the Land of Oz –they boom, bang, bellow and shout you down using smoke-and-mirrors. So what’s all the fuss and resentment about in the workplace or in the halls of marriage? Well, it’s about lack of results, pure and simple…and the accompanying energy drain when the rubber of words don’t meet the road of real life.

DOING WHAT’S IMPORTANT INSTEAD OF WHAT’S URGENT

Stephen Covey was SO right with the habit of, “Do the important instead of the urgent!” Always rippin’ and runnin’ and focusing on putting out fires will frustrate and stress you and everyone you work with and for. Are you frustrating yourself, getting in your own way, with loads of “jive talking” and lack of “positive results?” If so, it’s time to change all that.

STIRRING THE POT WITH PSYCHODRAMA MIND GAMES

Keeping things all stirred up in one big commotion or dust cloud makes sure important matters are avoided and poor results not focused on for long enough to make poor performers accountable for their mistakes. Thus, problem-solving is compromised. Know this: “Distraction” is the world’s best defense of mediocrity and interpersonal power-brokering.

Enough already of your energy being drained due to “psychodrama mind games” and your talents “thrown off” by a sad, gunny sacker “playing on your sympathy strings” when results aren’t forthcoming! You can let go of a work atmosphere that’s like “a crisis roller coaster that jolts up and down with everyone screaming in a Wizard of Oz fun ride with all the special effects?!”

Your energy is precious…your talents are needed…your energy will be drained and your spirits tapped and zapped into hopelessness when you bite into the manure sandwich of “psychodrama”…AND that is no fun at all.

Relational anger is “bristling energy” that bounces back-and-forth between people like a spark around gasoline…a whacked tennis ball…a sharp rock or a hot potato. Pushing an “It’s all your fault!” relationship agenda doesn’t work for anyone. Your anxiety naturally skyrockets when you are confronted by an irate person who’s on the prowl to blame someone at work or at home.

Anger is at work in the workplace and is a silent deadly force that restricts innovation and motivation. Employers hire consultants to provide “brain food” such as time management, conflict resolution, building teamwork and strategic planning (just to mention a few) but they shy away from dealing with the “emotional undertow” of everyday frustrations.

I worry about “anger imploders” more than I fret about “anger exploders.” Anger imploders “stuff” their frustrations until they spill over, causing a shut down, stupid action or knee-jerk reaction. Anger exploders “get IT off their chest,” sending everyone scurrying to a safe place to avoid the wrath of the “venter.” What a sneaky way to get your way! Neither strategy – passively swallowing anger until a worker reaches a breaking point, or throwing anger around aggressively – works very well if you are profit-driven. In fact, negative or “crusty anger” is the opposite of enjoying the challenges of one’s life work.

Do you ever get your feelings hurt by something someone close to you has said about you or your intentions? Have you ever noticed that feeling blue, worried or ticked off can be passed off to you like bad driving directions that sound SO right-on but take you SO off-road to lostville? It’s called “emotional contagion” and IT happens every day…if you go along with it.

In fact, I often hear righteous lay people preach about the importance of “taking responsibility for m/y/our actions.” However, rarely do I hear this “emotional literacy” test: “Are you taking responsibility for your emotions…your emotional life…how or how not to spread around your emotions contagiously to others?”

Why Should You Carry IT Around When IT’S NOT YOUR STUFF

This is how talking back to an emotional off-loader sounds when you challenge the assumption that “If you pick up my bad feeling luggage…then I won’t have to carry it around.”

Talking back to an emotional off-loader:

Off-loader: “I’m having a terrible day…I can’t believe how unlucky I am.”

Talking sense to yourself: “O.K. now here’s a chance to practice this talk tool. I’m beginning to feel sorry for this person and getting down. Let’s see…what was I supposed to say? Oh yeah, something like, “What does IT have to do with me?” Shoot, what does what have to do with me? Oh, I remember now, what does your having a bad day have to do with me! I don’t have to pick up someone else’s bad mood just because I’m a nice person. I’m ready now so here goes…”

“What does your (IT) _____ have to do with me?”

Example: “What does your negative attitude have to do with me?”

Now first be prepared for a stunned silence. Then get ready to hear a list of talk excuses as long as your arm! Listen to the answers but do not absorb the feelings or tone of the answers. Be curious. Seek first to understand why others are SO afraid of his/her emotions that they need a scapegoat to strap them to.

STOPPING A TALK PARTNER FROM TRIGGERING YOUR EMOTIONS

Emotionally illiterate people are SO afraid of m/y/our emotions that they need a scapegoat like you to spew on or skewer with hot emotions.

More Practice Using CommTool#5: “What does IT have to do with me?!” Imagine that you’ve heard a talk partner rant and rave about something for which they aren’t taking responsibility…the very something they expect you to be in tepid emotional synchrony about.

Now’s IT’S time to TALK BACK with this type of TALKUPPANCE:

1. What does your “I have a bad attitude!” have to do with me?
2. What does your “I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings!” have to do with me?
3. What does your “I’m having a hard time today!” have to do with me?
4. What does your “I’m in a bad mood today” have to do with me?
5. What does your “BUT I didn’t mean to do it!” have to do with me?
6. What does your “I wasn’t thinking!” have to do with me?
7. What does your “I’m sorry I didn’t know what I was doing!” have to do with me?
8. What does your “I’m so crunched for time I didn’t get to it!”
9. What does your “I didn’t intend to blow the budget this month!” have to do with me?
10. What does your “I’m too stressed to calm down!” have to do with me?
11. What does your “I’m sorry I was late I can seem to ever be on time!” have to do with me?
12. What does your “I have a problem with being a prude!” have to do with me?
13. What does your “I feel so down and under the weather!” have to do with me?
14. What does your “I ate and drank too much again last night!” have to do with me?
15. What does your “I hate the drama between my brothers/sisters but I can’t do anything about it!” have to do with me?
16. What does your “I don’t have any money!” have to do with me?
17. What does your “I forgot my homework!” have to do with me?
18. What does your “I can’t find anyone for a date!” have to do with me?
19. What does your “I can’t get past/over IT!” pessimism have to do with me?
20. What does your “I can’t help my moods and feelings running me all over the place!” have to do with me?
21. What does your “I had a bad past that makes ME do dumb stuff today!” have to do with me?
22. What does your “I had an affair because she/he seduced me!” have to do with me?
23. What does your “I believe that only God can fix this!” have to do with me?
24. What does your “I don’t know what to do!” have to do with me?
25. What does your “I must please my mother/father!” have to do with me?
26. What does your “I can’t stop worrying about it!” attitude have to do with me?
27. What does your “I’m running late and running fast!” decision have to do with me?
28. What does your “I can’t get along with my dumb teacher!” have to do with me?
29. What does your “I’m too uptight to relax!” have to do with me?
30. What does your “I dislike change so I can’t do something new and different!” have to do with me?
31. What does your “I think I’m having a midlife crisis!” have to do with me?
32. What does your “I’m feeling SO old and over the hill!” have to do with me?
33. What does your “BUT I didn’t mean to do IT!” have to do with me?

WAYTOGO! Feel how the speakers’ excuses aren’t excused or allowed to be used as a cop out or dropped into your mental living space?

HOW TO STOP A PARTNER FROM TRIGGERING YOUR EMOTIONS

CommTool#5 will absolutely help you to donate or ditch others/your excess emotional baggage from the past.

Now you know (with a little practice) how so stop whining and bellying up to a bar full of poison! Then, once you have extra space in your communicator car and free room in your psyche…don’t take on others or our own extra stuff or stuffiness.

Point A: Don’t bug people with emotions you are too afraid to feel.

Point B: Don’t let other peoples’ emotions bug you, the emotions that they are too afraid to deal with responsibly.

Whoa…Wow! Feel the difference speaking up to negativity makes in your life and your reserves of energy?!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone, who is using his new theory of communicator types to bring these “CommTools” to you and yours to make a positive change in your life.