By Sue MacDonald, The Cincinnati Enquirer. What’s making your blood boil today? The jerk in rush hour traffic? Cold coffee at breakfast? A still stinging comment made yesterday by your boss? A grumpy child who won’t get a haircut?
Dr. Dennis O’Grady has a follow-up question: What are you going to do about it? The Dayton, Ohio psychologist and author know that plenty of everyday things can produce feeling of anger.
In a new four-cassette audio series, he’s laid out a plan for soothing and managing anger so that negative, self defeating emotions can be replaced by positive, problem solving behaviors.
Sound a little ethereal for your everyday world?
Anger’s as real as the hostility that increases your risk of an early life heart attack. 
It’s as tangible as the recurring lump in your throat when you encounter your boss, the blame you’ve heaped for years on a child or ex-spouse, or the overall sense that everyone else is making you feel bad all the time.
“I think the most of us, God love us, are emotional dunces. “says Dr. O’Grady, author and narrator of a newly release audio cassette series No Hard Feelings, (New Insights; $49.95).
Dr. O’Grady describes common anger flash points a “pebbles, rocks, and boulders” of resentment.
The pebbles get stuck in the shoes, making even tiny steps forward in life annoying and painful. Some grow into rocks that are hard to lug around. Some become boulders that quash any hope of positive, forward progress toward happiness, like trying to lift a refrigerator with one hand behind your back. And unless people hone the emotional skills needed to unload those pebbles, rocks and boulders, they’ll continue in life burdened and angry.
Dr. O’Grady tackled the topic of anger as an offshoot of his first book, Taking The Fear Out of Changing (Bob Adams Inc. $16.95; 1993.)
“In dealing with change, I found that some people, despite their best efforts, couldn’t pull off the positive change they sought,” he says.
He quickly uncovered the reason: They were so bogged down with anger, resentment, grudges and disappointment that they were emotionally stuck.
Jerry Rex, a 47-year old president, has found that listening to the tapes while driving a four-state territory has helped him deal better with employees and his family. “I’m a person who believes in not keeping your emotions pent up.” Says Mr. Rex, a former Daytonian who now works for Machine Tool Systems (MTS) in Charlotte, NC. “You say what you are thinking, you do it tactfully and then you move on.”
“But I find myself sometimes taking things out on my family. It would be easier to snap at them because you can’t always do it to the people you work with professionally,” he says. “If nothing else, listen to the tapes has made me more cognizant that it’s easy to do that, even to the people you most want to nurture.”
As recently as three weeks ago, he was listening to the tapes when he blew a car tire on a Virginia expressway at 70 mph. “Normally I probably would have gotten really ticked off,” he says. “Because I was listening to the tapes when it happened, I said, “Hey, I’m glad I left early because now I can change the tire and still make my meeting on time.” And within two minutes, a state trooper pulled over and helped. “I knew the whole situation went better because I was in a calm mood from listening to those tapes,” he says. “Dennis O’Grady has a way of approaching things in a logical, everyday fashion, but in a very personable way.”
Dr. O’Grady say the same people who are quick to anger (yell, scream, curse, rant, rage, belittle, complain, judge and gossip) haven’t learned the opposite emotional skills – to be just as quick to forgive, take personal responsibility, keep things in perspective, communicate feelings, exert self-control and handle emotions freely and honestly.
His plan guides people backward though their anger, helping them identify what’s at the heart of it and develop positive thought patterns and behaviors. There’s no reason, he says, that getting upset, judgmental or cranky should be the norm. Yet, many people automatically function on angry auto-pilot. (And the media provide role models, Dr. O’Grady says, in the form of trashy talk shows that are “emotional free-for-alls where people can dump and load their anger without taking responsibility for themselves”).
Forgiveness, empathy, understanding and a get-a-life attitude can become just as automatic if people have the emotional skills and awareness to let them evolve. “Basically what we have today is emotional anarchy.” He says. “No one’s connected enough with their own emotions to say, “let’s stop and think about what we’re doing and feeling.” “Some people go inside themselves and let the feeling fester, and some lash out – they take pride in being idiots,” He says. “For a lot of men, we don’t often believe we’re paid off or rewarded for our emotions. We think being emotional makes us lose money in our businesses. We think it makes us vulnerable.”
Any self-help plan that helps people deal with emotional letting go, assertiveness, handling rejection and overcoming resentment is going to be uncomfortable at first, Dr. O’Grady acknowledges. But is road rage a better alternative? Is a spurned worker who returns to the job site with a gun a safe outlet for anger? Is a resentment filled marriage a happy one? Is constant tension or chronic complaining at home, work, school or in relationships healthy for anyone?
The key to unraveling unhealthy anger is to identify the emotions at the root of the behavior. Is it loneliness you’re feeling? Disappointment? Isolation? Jealousy? Rage?
Once you’ve labeled and felt true emotions, then learn how to channel them so you end up with positive results. An example:
Someone cuts you off in traffic. The angry you flips them off. The un-angry you waves and smiles, letting the other driver into your lane. Then you forget about it. Coping with anger is smart for individuals as well as business and organizations, Dr. O’Grady says. At work, a single chronic complainer can lower moral for an entire group. Employees whose ideas aren’t acknowledged or whose concerns aren’t addressed are likely to turn resentful – and not be very productive or loyal.
“I really hope this information, in a training format, becomes part of the business environment so that entire organizations can use healthy anger to solve problems.” He says. People will function better if they’re functioning OK emotionally. Every cog makes the whole thing run. Without every cog, the whole thing shuts down.”
How To Cope With A Most Difficult Emotion
Of all moods and emotions, it seems anger is the most difficult with which to deal.
Common angry reactions – bellowing, banging cabinet doors, belittling loved ones – can damage a relationship more than almost any other behavior. Yet research shows people have fewer and less effective strategies for coping with anger than with any other emotion.
Dianne Tice, a psychologist who conducts mood research at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, found that some common tactics to diffuse anger – such as exercise – backfire.
“When you’re angry, you’re already emotionally aroused, and exercise could rev you up further.” Ms. Tice says. Distracting yourself by shopping or catching a flick can compound anger if you end up facing long lines or incompetent clerks or other anger triggers.
Her tactic: Isolation.
Take a timeout – similar to the one you enforce when your 2-year-old is tossing a tantrum. Go to your room and scream until you get it out of your system.
Go for a walk, take a nap or do relaxation exercises, such as deep breathing or meditation.
When you’re calm, take a problem solving approach to discussing your feelings with the person who triggered them.
Dennis Wholey, host of the PBS television series, THIS IS AMERICA WITH DENNIS WHOLEY and the author of “The Miracle of Change,” says this about the audio program and podcast NO HARD FEELINGS: “In these sessions Dr. O’Grady offers an easy to use and successfully proven “Releasing Resentments Ritual” which allows you to express anger — and protect relationships at the same time. When we get caught in the rejction, resentment, revenge game, we tend to go ’round and ’round. This tape series and points the way off the playing field and into a happier life. These modules will change your life–guaranteed. You’ll learn a whole lot about yourself by listening. There’s gold here. So go for the gold!”
