NASCAR Road Rage: Why “Road” Rage Is “Human” Anger

Positive vs. Negative Anger

As an anger educator and communications psychologist, I can tell you that “road rage” is a slick and tricky mental magic act and a racey misnomer. It’s more accurate to call it “human rage,” since it’s unhealthy anger directed at human beings not roads made of concrete or asphalt.

Nate Ryan, in a tire-screaming USA TODAY cover story, says: “In the early years of the sport, some drivers would resolve personal issues with a fistfight after the race. Now, some say, drivers vent their anger on the track instead.” Gosh, this statement implies that we can’t handle anger in healthier ways – ways that don’t involve hitting, yelling or kicking the dog. Are we being too melodramatic again about anger-driven behaviors?

Psychological Profile of a “Road Rager:”
What is the psychological profile of The Aggressive Driver?

  • Massive personal insecurity…winning is everything
  • Feeling like a failure…can’t tolerate getting behind in the race of life
  • Prideful ego: “Are you going to let them get away with that?”
  • Self-defeating belief that venting anger is always good
  • Difficulty relaxing
  • Doesn’t enjoy the ride enough…focuses on final outcome/destination
  • Fear of emotions: Prefers putting mind over emotional matters
  • Fault-shifting: Plays the “It’s not my fault!” blame and shame show
  • Drags along old suitcases filled with rusty resentments
  • “Reactive anger” is triggered by disppointment or loss
  • Prone to fear disapproval: “You’re not good enough unless you’re perfect!”
  • When hot under the collar, thinks the golden rule is for chumps
  • Fails to remember: “Trying to hard to get even will distract you and quickly put you behind!”

Perhaps we live in an anger-confused society, one that anxiously discusses bad anger choices while at the same time issuing “fluffy feel good excuses” for inappropriate and dangerous driving behavior with psychomumble.

What Can You Do?
You can be a safe driver when others refuse to, that’s what. In addition, you can use these six tips for driving peacefully:

  1. Don’t let “idiot drivers” get your goat
  2. Talk sense to yourself when you’re mad, i.e. “This isn’t a good use of my time or energy!”
  3. Have a goal to make your car a meditaiton/relaxation/education chamber
  4. Start thinking in terms of “positive vs. negative anger choices”
  5. Read mini-lessons about how healthy or positive anger can be used to promote emotional self-control
  6. Remember anger is an emotion, NOT an action or stupid reaction

In addition, you can download my podcast on “No Hard Feelings” for free.

Self-Talk Communication Tools Can Eliminate Foul Anger
If a driver wants to, I can help an “angry driver” cure so-called “road rage” in a couple of meetings by using self-talk tools to calm him/herself down when nothing seems fun. It’s no big deal!

Actually, anger isn’t a bad behavior unless you choose it to be so. Anger is an emotion, positive or negative or both, that can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on how you choose to use it. Stuffing anger leads to physical problems and “anger implosions,” while venting anger inappropriately leads to “anger explosions.” Anger attacks ain’t pretty no matter where they occur…and some of the worst one’s occur privately in many American homes.

Disallow yourself from being led around like a goat on a rope by anyone’s anger. That way, you will keep the unhealthy anger of a competitor from harming you.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, communications psychologist who has successfully cured “road rage” clients in two hours of communications training by using new coping tools that include talking positively to yourself. Dennis is the author of TALK TO ME.

“It’s my way or hit the highway!” is a stamp of a depressive relationship

Are You In An Expressive or Depressive Relationship?

You are either in an “expressive” or a “depressive” relationship because of your preferred communication style. An expressive relationship encourages an open mind and flowing emotions. Thus, open talking solves problems and promotes the fresh air of change.

In contrast, a depressive relationship encourages closed minds, closed mouths, closed ears, and blocked emotions. Thus, defensive talking peppers the relationship and perpetuates problems and promotes the stale air of unfair fights that go nowhere.

“It’s my way or hit the highway!” is the stamp of a depressive relationship…while “It’s our way on the two-way communicator highway!” is the calling card of an expressive relationship.

WHY CAN’T WE TALK? Empathizer vs. Instigator Communicators

  1. If you are an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, you will try harder and harder and harder to “make things right” when talks go astray. You will shy away from giving negative feedback because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
  2. In contrast, if you are an Instigator-type communicator you will be quite comfortable giving negative feedback and less comfortable hearing and using negative feedback that heralds change.

A Perfect Divorce Storm

Divorce isn’t mysterious. People who divorce use defensive talk tactics that stall out problem solving and togetherness. When emotions aren’t addressed and problems aren’t resolved…resentment builds until a breaking point is reached. A perfect divorce storm awaits you if you continue to talk defensively and ineffectively.

CHANGE HAPPENS! Including in relationships, personalities, habit patterns, tastes and compulsions…ALL LIFE LONG. After all, tigers can change their stripes, dogs can learn new tricks and “brainy” human beings can change at any stage in life. Who ya’ callin’ a dog, anyway? So why not spruce up your communication skills…attacking the problem and not the person?

Always remember this: Expressing yourself doesn’t mean defensive talking that puts off change and puts down people.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology and the author of Talk to Me: Communication moves to get along with anyone

How To Talk To An Insensitive Partner

TALK TODAY: YOUR EMOTIONAL I.Q. IS THROUGH THE ROOF

There ARE effective ways to talk to an “insensitive partner” if you know the secrets of what makes your partner tick and what makes him/her walk away ticked off.

For example, I’ve talked to three concerned mothers this week, and they’re all searching for answers as to whether their respective children might be suffering from extreme mood swings known as Bipolar Mood Disorder. Although all of us ride on a mood roller coaster once in awhile, mood issues are especially dicey for “sensitive people,” also known as Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators.

So how to talk to an “insensitive partner” about emotional issues? And what do you do when YOU are the “sensitive” partner or Empathizer-type communicator…and you have to get through to the “insensitive” partner or Instigator-type communicator? Great question dear reader, and boy, how you make me think! (Actually you use the Beliefs mode of talk…more about that later.)

Here’s how an Empathizer-type mother can talk to an Instigator-type father about their “moody” child who is having “anger outbursts” at school and at home:

1. E-type says: Are you frightened by Johnny’s outbursts and behavior?
2. I-type responds: No, he’s just acting like a typical boy.

3. E-type says: It’s not helping our child if we deny that there’s a problem.
 4. I-type responds: I’m not in denial about anything.

5. E-type says: I’ll spin my wheels if you’re not on board with me.
6. I-type responds: Why do you think I’m not on your side when I don’t see things like you do?

7. E-type says: You haven’t noticed the temper tantrums and anger outbursts?
8. I-type responds: Sure…I just think you’re making too big a deal out of this.

9. E-type says: Maybe I am taking this too personally. Who knows? Do you respect my judgment on parenting matters?
10. I-type responds: Absolutely. You’re a great mother whose head’s in the right place.

11. E-type says: I wish I could make this pain go away, too, for Johnny.
12. I-type responds: Yeah…I’d like to take the pain out of him and fix it like I do with stuff!

13. E-type says: I don’t want this to be a problem either.
14. I-type responds: I don’t want to be acting like I don’t care…because I do…and actually I’m a little worried.

15. E-type says: I don’t like this problem, but we have to find solutions.
16. I-type responds: I hate it… Johnny’s too young to be having such a big issue! He’s my boy!!

17. E-type says: We need to find and use helpful tools to address this together.
18. I-type responds: I don’t have time to be running all over town to doctors.

19. E-type says: Just because we don’t want this to be true…we shouldn’t convince ourselves that it isn’t true.
20. I-type responds: I know I can act like an ostrich sometimes and bury my head in the sand or become preoccupied with my work.

21. E-type says: The worst hurt I’ve ever felt is when Johnny is hurting.
22. I-type responds: Yeah, you might as well just chop off my head–but focusing on it doesn’t make anything any better!

23. E-type says: The chickens will come home to roost if we ignore this problem.
24. I-type responds: No doubt. We’ve got to try doing something different. What should we do first?

Tragically, when “old” talk tools are used, the couple as parents will end up fighting to a standoff…and nothing new would happen to help Johnny.

What did we just demonstrate together in the example above? You talk INtelligently IN the language or I-type lingo of ideas. You use the talk mode of Beliefs (B1) to discuss what you believe, facts and plans of action that the Instigator typically relies on to get great results. In short, you use your own strengths and those of your co-communicator to get a difficult job done right for a change.

So please hear this: You are not a pain in the neck, dear Empathizer reader, BUT a joy in the brain! Always remember that your Emotional I.Q. is through the roof and everyone respects it! Do you believe it and see IT?

Or are you too busy giving yourself a verbal spanking…or lashing yourself 1,000 times with a wet noodle? The choice is yours…and your mood depends upon what you choose to think about you NOW.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a firm specializing in interactive teaching of change management and communication skills tools. Dennis hails from Dayton, Ohio, and is the author of TALK TO ME

Why Teamwork at Work isn’t Working

IS IT TEAMWORK OR MEWORK?

This makes sense to anyone who works in a place where the company mission statement says “teamwork” but the reality is the same old “me, me, me” and backbiting that most of us are familiar with.

Who’s paddling your canoe? Are you part of teamwork or mework? Imagine you and your team are straining to paddle down a rain-filled river. Here’s what NOT to do for a change:

1. Just paddle. Just paddling won’t work because you might be paddling in the wrong direction.

2. Just paddle the way you’ve always paddled. If you and your team are paddling in different directions, you will go round and round in circles and feel exasperated.

3. Just be positive and all paddle together and you’ll get there. True, you will get “somewhere” but the “where” you get to may not be the “there” you need to go.

4. Just paddle harder when times are tough. When what you’re doing to resolve a problem isn’t working and your solution is to paddle harder and harder and HARDER, then what you’re doing isn’t working…and you risk exhausting yourself. Doing more of what isn’t working still won’t work.

5. Just talk bombastically. Talking optimistically with great enthusiasm about why results are just around the next bend is knuckleheaded flamboyancy and unreal extremism. Heady inspiration that lacks perspiration is perfectionism mixed with procrastination. Cheap talk spurns measuring “good enough” results.

6. Just sink into debating the “right” and “wrong” ways to paddle. Heated debating is the typical diversion to avoid the change game of doing something different. In other words, talking high and mightily about the fine art and brainy theory of paddling isn’t the same as doing effective paddling.

7. Just badmouth your partner for being a “difficult paddler.” When you blame a fellow communicator for your mutual problems, then your partner will put down his/her paddle, lay it across the canoe and begin to argue and debate back with you…and nothing new will happen. And hey! Watch out for that tree limb that will knock you out of the canoe!

8. Just interrupt by talking over a listener or louder and louder. Are you defensively proclaiming “It’s not my fault?!” WHO may or may not be at fault diverts attention away from WHAT needs to happen differently NOW. You may be a legend in your own mind of canoeing, but talk is cheap, and talking big when you feel small creates problems instead of solving them.

9. Just talk about past losses or glories that don’t help deal with the challenges of today. Getting past the past is easier than you think when you solve the problems of today and break the chain of past painful patterns. Resenting what is lacking now (fear of loss) won’t help anyone get anywhere fast today.

10. Just shout out your orders to control your emotions. Your emotions won’t kill you, will they? The solution to painful emotions is NOT to force your way and override the will of others to feel a false sense of security. NOT listening, constant interrupting, stern or moralistic lecturing, blaming and shaming, guilt bombing, threatening or intimidating others simply won’t work. Have you noticed this to be true?

You can only change yourself. Trying to “fix” a team member will “break” your spirits and, and frankly, there’ll always been something else about that person to fix. Arguing that, “You are the problem and IF you change our mutual problems will be solved!” is a can of nuts.

“YOU should change because I say so to make everyone happy!” will make a lazy team of paddlers and simply won’t work.

That’s why even old, stubborn dogs can learn more than a few new tricks when the masterful YOU is patient!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a speaker and communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone and Taking the Fear out of Changing at www.drogrady.com

CommTool #2: “Is this good for me?”

If You Judge a Person By What They Do…Will You Ever Really Get to Know Them?
What you SAY to yourself is more important at times than what you DO. Good communication tools include talking sense to yourself when your head spins around about what you should/shouldn’t do or when you feel knocked senseless by stress.

What’s UP: Today’s featured communication tool is used when YOU might be your own worst enemy by making a choice now that won’t play out well in your future.

Partying Talks

Imagine you are having a talk with yourself about whether or not you should do something that will “feel good” in the short term but cause you regrets in the longer haul. This includes misusing alcohol or drugs, sex, affairs, quitting a job, ending a relationship and so on.

You are worrying but also inclined to say “what the heck…I’ll just do it!” This may be a good time for CommTool #2: “Is this good for me?”

Here we go…you hear yourself or friends saying:

It’s going to be a good time. You don’t want to miss out. We work so hard and rarely get a time to really cut loose. You deserve a break now and then. We’re just chillin’….(drinking/smoking/sexing/etc.) doing it on a casual basis. You’re just using socially–you don’t have a problem with drugs or alcohol. Everyone is doing it. You can stop using at any time. Go ahead and do it just this once! We’ll have a good time!

YOUR INNER-TALK RESPONSE: “Is this good for me?!”

When you throw caution to the wind by saying “Ah, I’ll go ahead and do it…I don’t have to think SO much about it!” try saying: “Is this good for me? I can do anything I want to BUT is this good for me??!”

Maybe something different might happen…you will stop and think and make a more thoughtful decision. After all, the goal here is to make best use of your creative talents. Disallow anyone from wearing your down with their interrogative talk techniques meant to control you and y/our response.

One last time: “Is this good for me? Is this a good source of positive energy for me? IF I can do anything I want to is this good for me?!”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of TALK TO ME and New Insights Communication consulting psychologist.