TALK TODAY: YOUR EMOTIONAL I.Q. IS THROUGH THE ROOF
There ARE effective ways to talk to an “insensitive partner” if you know the secrets of what makes your partner tick and what makes him/her walk away ticked off.
For example, I’ve talked to three concerned mothers this week, and they’re all searching for answers as to whether their respective children might be suffering from extreme mood swings known as Bipolar Mood Disorder. Although all of us ride on a mood roller coaster once in awhile, mood issues are especially dicey for “sensitive people,” also known as Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators.
So how to talk to an “insensitive partner” about emotional issues? And what do you do when YOU are the “sensitive” partner or Empathizer-type communicator…and you have to get through to the “insensitive” partner or Instigator-type communicator? Great question dear reader, and boy, how you make me think! (Actually you use the Beliefs mode of talk…more about that later.)
Here’s how an Empathizer-type mother can talk to an Instigator-type father about their “moody” child who is having “anger outbursts” at school and at home:
1. E-type says: Are you frightened by Johnny’s outbursts and behavior?
2. I-type responds: No, he’s just acting like a typical boy.3. E-type says: It’s not helping our child if we deny that there’s a problem.
4. I-type responds: I’m not in denial about anything.5. E-type says: I’ll spin my wheels if you’re not on board with me.
6. I-type responds: Why do you think I’m not on your side when I don’t see things like you do?7. E-type says: You haven’t noticed the temper tantrums and anger outbursts?
8. I-type responds: Sure…I just think you’re making too big a deal out of this.9. E-type says: Maybe I am taking this too personally. Who knows? Do you respect my judgment on parenting matters?
10. I-type responds: Absolutely. You’re a great mother whose head’s in the right place.11. E-type says: I wish I could make this pain go away, too, for Johnny.
12. I-type responds: Yeah…I’d like to take the pain out of him and fix it like I do with stuff!13. E-type says: I don’t want this to be a problem either.
14. I-type responds: I don’t want to be acting like I don’t care…because I do…and actually I’m a little worried.15. E-type says: I don’t like this problem, but we have to find solutions.
16. I-type responds: I hate it… Johnny’s too young to be having such a big issue! He’s my boy!!17. E-type says: We need to find and use helpful tools to address this together.
18. I-type responds: I don’t have time to be running all over town to doctors.19. E-type says: Just because we don’t want this to be true…we shouldn’t convince ourselves that it isn’t true.
20. I-type responds: I know I can act like an ostrich sometimes and bury my head in the sand or become preoccupied with my work.21. E-type says: The worst hurt I’ve ever felt is when Johnny is hurting.
22. I-type responds: Yeah, you might as well just chop off my head–but focusing on it doesn’t make anything any better!23. E-type says: The chickens will come home to roost if we ignore this problem.
24. I-type responds: No doubt. We’ve got to try doing something different. What should we do first?
Tragically, when “old” talk tools are used, the couple as parents will end up fighting to a standoff…and nothing new would happen to help Johnny.
What did we just demonstrate together in the example above? You talk INtelligently IN the language or I-type lingo of ideas. You use the talk mode of Beliefs (B1) to discuss what you believe, facts and plans of action that the Instigator typically relies on to get great results. In short, you use your own strengths and those of your co-communicator to get a difficult job done right for a change.
So please hear this: You are not a pain in the neck, dear Empathizer reader, BUT a joy in the brain! Always remember that your Emotional I.Q. is through the roof and everyone respects it! Do you believe it and see IT?
Or are you too busy giving yourself a verbal spanking…or lashing yourself 1,000 times with a wet noodle? The choice is yours…and your mood depends upon what you choose to think about you NOW.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the founder of New Insights Communication, a firm specializing in interactive teaching of change management and communication skills tools. Dennis hails from Dayton, Ohio, and is the author of TALK TO ME