Posts in category: MANAGE MOOD

If you’re on the front line of customer service, then chances are you are an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator who wants everyone to just get along and be happy. Likewise, chances are that your irate customer is an Instigator-type (an I-type) communicator who believes that there is a “right and good” vs. a “wrong and bad” way to handle customer complaints. These fanciful ideas don’t always work so well in the real world of customer relations and imperfect business systems.

WHY THE CUSTOMER ISN’T ALWAYS RIGHT

Although the platitude chanted is “The customer is always right!”…you and I both know that angry customers dump gunk on any passerby, especially one who is paid to listen to their complaint. Most frequently used excuse to vent is this one: “I’ve got to get this off my chest!” You don’t have to pick up the insecurity and fear of an irate customer. You don’t have to wear those negative feelings around your neck like an Albatross the rest of your day. A dead bird you ain’t!

HOW TO KEEP YOUR COOL DURING HEATED DEBATES

How to talk to an I-type communicator who is upset and venting? It’s not too difficult, but what to say that works often runs counter-logical to what you E-types “feel” will help. Imagine saying these things to an irate customer. What will be the comeback, do you suppose?

1. OUR INTENTION IS TO MAKE EVERY CUSTOMER HAPPY, AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.

2. WE DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

3. I’M SURE YOU’RE RIGHT.

4. THIS SEEMS VERY BAD, BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.

5. WHO CAN BLAME YOU?

6. TALKING LOUD AND SHOUTING ONLY MAKES THINGS WORSE.

7. UNLOADING ON ME WON’T RESOLVE THIS.

8. PERHAPS YOU’RE RIGHT BUT YOU’RE WRONG TO TAKE OUT YOUR FRUSTRATIONS ON ME.

9. I DON’T WANT YOU TO KEEP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.

10. DON’T FEEL AFRAID THAT THIS CAN’T BE FIXED.

11. IF YOU CAN CALM DOWN, WE CAN GET TO THE TRUTH OF THIS.

Being upset isn’t a viable excuse to be a pest. “I’m sure you’re right!” takes the hot air out of the ego balloon of an irate customer. “You know misery loves company!” is not the kind of company you wish to keep, is it?

I HATE CONFLICT SO I AVOID IT

What do you think? The implied message is “Temper tantrums don’t work around here.” Problems can be more easily solved when anger isn’t allowed to lead the talk parade.

I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU…OR YOUR UNHELPFUL ANGER

All of these transactions send the implied message that “I’m not going to be controlled by your blustery anger…I am not afraid of you or your manipulative anger. Calm down, this issue doesn’t have to be a major psychodrama. Of course, the irate customer will defend him- or herself but something more productive and positive and peaceful is likely to happen.

THIS IS HOW IT IS: ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PSYCHOLOGIST, AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND BUSINESS TRAINER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you insane, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our history and accounted for in our relationships. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog, while his entire advanced communication system is available only in his “Talk to Me” book and seminars. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is now available at Amazon. You can talk personally to Dr. O’Grady at his Web site, too.

You’ve got nothing to lose when you try some new communication moves to get along with anyone. Granted, the complete road map to positive and effective communication is in my latest book “Talk to Me,” available on this site and at Amazon. The Talk to Me roadmap puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life. Meanwhile, go ahead and use this bold new communication tool for a few days to worry less and boost your mood fast — especially when talking to a crappy communicator who’s trying to slow you down and make you frown.

BOOST YOUR MOOD INSTEAD OF BUST YOUR CHOPS

This is a low-key talk tool to help you better generate internal positive energy and establish better relationship moods. IF I TOLD YOU THAT this tool will work wonders in your life…would you be mad or happy? Let’s check out some fun examples of how you can make this tool your own.

1. IF I TOLD YOU THAT you look really young…would you be mad?

Response: Absolutely not … that would make me really happy. I don’t mind at all!

2. IF I TOLD YOU THAT you look great in that outfit…would you be mad?

Response: Absolutely … that would make me blush. I would feel awkward!

3. IF I TOLD YOU THAT your hair style really shows off your face…would you be mad?

Response: Absolutely not…that would make me really happy. I don’t mind at all!

4. IF I TOLD YOU THAT you always come through by under-promising and over-delivering, would you be mad?

Response: Absolutely not…that would make me really happy. I don’t mind at all!

5. IF I TOLD YOU THAT you make me split a gut from laughing… would you be mad?

Response: Absolutely … that would make me terribly depressed because I’m such a good comic. Oh yeah, I would feel real shy!

6. IF I TOLD YOU THAT I admire how lovingly you speak of your kids …would you be mad?

Response: Absolutely not … that would make me really happy. I don’t mind at all!

7. IF I TOLD YOU THAT I would like to get together with you soon socially … would you be mad?

Response: Absolutely not … if I can find a time that would work out. I don’t mind at all!

COMMTOOL #15: IF I TOLD YOU WHAT I TRULY THINK AND FEEL … WOULD YOU BE MAD AT ME?

Do you dare to care? Then do you dare to take a risk to speak the appropriate and accurate positive out loud? Sure, getting comfortable with the art of providing positive and negative feedback is a challenge for Empathizer- and Instigator-type communicators alike. If you don’t know your type, you won’t know which direction you’re driving to the town of Good Talk.

WHY LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH AND THEN PULL ITS TEETH?

If you don’t want to make someone mad or be taken wrong, it’s easy to stare past your biggest strengths and be fearful of showing loving appreciation. But why think negatively about talking positively about others? Why view this exercise suspiciously, as if strings are attached to anything that’s positive or uplifting?

EVERYONE ISN’T A SELF-CRITIC ALL OF THE TIME

Are you a self-critic? Everyone isn’t a self-critic all of the time. Logic helps you unleash your positive words without fearing that you will be a sucker, nincompoop, manipulative kiss-up, critical bullroar parent, or thought of as stupid, crazy or high on something.

ABOUT PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady likes to think of himself as the AAA tow-truck driver, the guy who arrives on the scene just in time to help everyone on the Communications Highway make the necessary repairs – sometimes small, sometimes huge – that get everyone going again. He’s author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”

AND CHECK OUT THESE OTHER DR. O’GRADY COMMUNICATION TOOLS

CommTool#14: IF you say so! CommTool#13: What makes you say that?
CommTool#12: Are you saying that…? CommTool#11: SO, what’s your point?
CommTool#10: IF the shoe fits, baby CommTool#9: I need you to know I’m feeling scared CommTool#8: Now HEAR THIS my dear mind CommTool#7: What makes you think THAT CommTool#6: I need you to hear… CommTool#5: WHAT does IT have to do with me? CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD CommTool#3: Why ‘It’s not fair’ is supremely fair CommTool#2: Is this good for ME? CommTool#1: You’ve said that already

Criticizing yourself predictably leads to low self-esteem and doesn’t promote or motivate needed changes…especially when you’re a sensitive personality and a caring person. Empathizer-type communicators are prone to resisting change by criticizing themselves, while Instigator-type communicators are prone to criticizing others to resist changing the self. Either way, needed changes don’t happen and communication gets all fouled up and pops off like a car backfiring.

CRITICIZING YOURSELF MULTIPLIES THE NEGATIVE AND NEUTRALIZES THE POSITIVE

Do you think being hard on yourself and talking harshly to yourself motivates you to change like being yelled at in communication boot camp? Not so..surprise, surprise, Gomer Pyle. Criticizing yourself or taking on others’ criticisms tears down your self-esteem AND actually promotes the negative behavior the criticism is supposedly discouraging.

If you want to give yourself a tough time…criticize yourself because you will predictably get more criticisms, lowly feelings and less confidence. No miracle there.

PSYCHOCRITIQUING IS BRAINWASHING

Get ready for news that will blow your mind. ALL criticisms, or “psychocritiques” actually TELL you to continue doing what you despise and to fail to do something new that would make you feel a ton better. Get it? Perverse, reverse psychology at its worst. Propaganda says one thing on the surface, and compels your mind to follow the negative implied command. Get a kick from yourself, or get kicked by someone else…they all backfire to improve yourself.

PERVERSE, REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY…WHY ‘DON’T DO’ MEANS ‘DO DO’

Wired examples of perverse, reverse psychology that create re-cycled psychodramas, the kind that make you blind to your ever-present ability to turn in a new chosen direction at the crossroads of change:

1. You don’t need to be so worried….TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE WORRIED.

2. You shouldn’t get this upset…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE UPSET.

3. What good will complaining do…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO COMPLAIN MORE AND CHANGE LESS.

4. Why do you always have to be so negative, anyway…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE NEGATIVE.

5. What I would do IF I were you…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT’S BEING SUGGESTED.

6. Now I’m NOT saying that you’re at fault here BUT…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE AT FAULT FOR THE PROBLEM AND FIX IT.

7. You don’t have to try so hard to be perfect, ya’ know….TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO STRIVE TO BE PERFECT AT ALL COSTS, INCLUDING THE COST OF DOING IT “GOOD ENOUGH.”

8. Now I don’t want you to take this personally but I’ve got to be honest with you here…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO TAKE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK TOO PERSONALLY.

9. We’ve got to talk…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO CLOSE DOWN BECAUSE TALKING MEANS GETTING A TALKING (LECTURE) TO.

10. You’ve got to understand how that makes me feel…TELLS AND COMPELS YOUR MIND TO BE UNSYMPATHETIC, CLOSED AND COLDLY LOGICAL.

YOUR MIND IS TOO PRECIOUS TO MISPLACE IN THE PSYCHOSPHERE

In short, obsessively criticizing yourself or permitting someone else to compulsively criticize you does no mind a favor. And your mind is too precious to misplace in the negative PSYCHOSPHERE!

ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, SEMINAR LEADER, RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady has a new personal growth and psychology book aimed at better communicating, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, available on his Web site or at Amazon for $39.95. O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how knowing your communicator type, and knowing the type of who you are trying to communicate with, will improve your chances that communication will be productive and positive for all parties.

Does your romantic partner get that glassy-eyed and not listen to a dad-blasted thing you’re saying? Or does a disagreement cause you to slide down to the bottom rung on the ladder of loving relationships? And are you just plain mystified how a conversation can get so far off track SO fast?

Let me guess: When there’s a communication breakdown, you and your partner often take the junk out of your trunk to throw at each other, right? Then your emotions zoom too fast around the relationship track, causing your sleek bright blue and burnt orange communicator cars to collide. Feelings communicate…what?

WHAT DO YOUR FEELINGS COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY?

There are four modes of communication. The Emotions mode (E) is the favorite driving lane of Empathizer or E-type communicators. What E-types know for sure about the positive side of feelings:

1. Feelings communicate (help heal)

2. Feelings suggest urgency (prompt needed action)

3. Feelings give color to experience (empathy)

4. Feelings are constructive (make good things happen)

5. Feelings are welcome (serve as a bright welcome mat to visitors coming to your door)

6. Feelings communicated openly lead the way to closeness (peace of mind and effectiveness)

WHO OR WHAT IS DRIVING YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR?

Much of adult life still runs from the Emotions (E) mode, and that includes actions DRIVEN by fear, guilt, hurt, shame, danger, anger, and “knee-jerk-me-jerk” reactionary miscommunication. Worry, jealousy, impatience, embarrassment and anxiety make you drive in a fog…drive blind while moving too fast when you ought to slow down on the two-way communicator highway.

WHAT DO FEELINGS OF SHAME MISCOMMUNICATE?

BUT not every story about emotions is pleasant and sparkling. There is a dark, negative, flip-side, to every emotion you will encounter. Harsh fact: you can be paranoid of emotions because emotions have been used to club you into submission. What Instigator-type communicators, or I-types, know for sure about emotions–and why they don’t want emotions to run away with their minds:

1. Feelings miscommunicate (lead to hurt)

2. Feelings suggest emergency (stall out needed action and cause spinning of relationship wheels)

3. Feelings make you bleed the color of red (shame-based emotions)

4. Feelings are destructive (make bad things happen)

5. Feelings are terrifying (serve as red flags)

6. Feelings miscommunicated in closed ways lead the way to distancing (anxiety and ineffectiveness)

Do you live in this negative viewpoint of the dark-side of emotions? Is fear or hate the most negative emotion of all…or is the numbness that comes from a rejection of genuine emotions?

IF YOU’VE GOT A BIG, EMPTY SPOT

Miscommunication predictably lead people to erect walls, heartache, anger, and unproductive fights or to hide away in a broom closet hugging up to brooms. Missed communication opportunities lead to feeling like you’ve got a big, empty spot in your gut. Then defensiveness and stubbornness set in, as you and I feel and give less, as in: “I’m not going to let you get to me. Ya’ can’t take nothin’ from a hollow log.”

PUSHED OUT OF THE TRIBE…TALK TO ME

Used as a visual metaphor, miscommunication is like being thrown out of the tribe in the wilderness when no one else is looking. Alone, you have little chance of surviving in the wilderness. The “Talk to Me” communication system will help you thrive in the wilderness and start a new tribe! It will rapidly teach you how to communicate powerful feelings less hurtfully and more helpfully!

KNOWING THE FOUR TALK MODES SINCE YOU ARE IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF YOUR LIFE

What’s up to you? Knowing the four modes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors, and Talks…and how they work in the world of talk. Not knowing the four talk modes is akin to driving a car without the modes of park, drive, reverse gear and lo/high gear. So memorize (in order) the four modes of communication and use them to the advantage of all today.

UNDERSTANDING VS. RESENTING

Do you create understanding vs. resenting by living this positive viewpoint of emotions? Most of us normal folk can’t seen to do it for long. Love is the most positive emotion of all…the compassion and wisdom to accept others as they really are. Not an easy journey, Frodo. So learn how to use the four modes of communication to your advantage today!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS TRAINER AND RELATIONSHIP COACH DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a meeting and organizational keynote speaker and professional psychologist from Dayton, Ohio. He is a husband and father to three daughters (two are teenagers), and the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady provides positive and effective workplace communications on a wide-variety of topics, including: “You’ve Got Nothing To Worry About.”

Do you beat up on yourself? That’s not fair! Unrestricted self-blame results in a state of mind where we falsely believe our worst negative thoughts about ourselves are true. Excessive self-criticism is damaging to your self-esteem and confidence. You can prevent damaging self-criticism by spending less time on your “pity throne”…and alloting more time in positive inner-personal communication.

NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS TO YOU?

Shredding your self-esteem for any reason just brings you down. The outcome is always the same — we stop acting assertively in our best interests because “nothing good or worthwhile will happen anyway.” How can you free yourself from unhelpful criticism that shreds your self-esteem?

1. Say every criticism out loud to yourself. Many self-criticisms are sneaky and sub-vocal. We don’t even realize the crazy things we are saying to ourselves because listening to our inner voices is considered a little wacky. When you are feeling depressed or edgy, listen carefully inside your skull and put words to what you are feeling. The first step of conquering an enemy is to catch the culprit red-handed.

2. Fight the self-criticisms. Give persuasive arguments about why the self-criticism is a bunch of hogwash. After all, you’re being criticized up and down, so why not get a few good shots in yourself? If you hear, “Who do you think you are?” respond with such things as, “Other people I know have done it and lived to tell about it, so get off my back.”

3. Get realistic. You have created your priorities. If you find yourself entertaining put-downs about a lack — lack of exercise, lack of eating control or religious observance — remind yourself of what you are doing to reach your goal. Many self-criticizers never think their efforts are enough unless they result in perfect outcomes.

4. Listen to criticisms directed at you defenselessly. Granted this technique is easier said than done, but it is worth the effort when faced with an angry, blameful mate. Whenever your mate begins a sentence with the word, “You,” change it in your mind to the word “I.” Many criticisms of others are just projections of our own inadequacies. Hearing your mate say, “You never listen to me,” is changed quite a bit by hearing it as, “I never listen to you” (either).

5. Take the time to think before you speak when you are emotionally upset. Adult children of self-criticizers can repeat word-for-word the worst things their parents have said about them, and even state the date and time those put-downs were issued. Is it really worth it to say some things in the heat of the moment that will affect your children for years? A tight-lipped, “You’re lazy, Suzy,” can have reverberations many years into the future. As well, too many wo/men who seek counseling can repeat every criticism their mate ever said about them while they were pretending not to listen.

6. Throw a pity-party for yourself. Really exaggerate your self-criticisms when you are feeling low. Add fuel to fire by making outlandish lies about yourself to the point of laughing at the seriousness of it all. All of us take life too seriously sometimes. Accusing yourself of far-fetched things might help you feel in control of the criticism habit.

7. Contrast every self-criticism with an equally balanced self-proclamation. Self- affirmation goes a long way in balancing the scales of fairness. If you have a heyday with yourself getting your own goat, try countering every negative thought with a positive one. Rest-assured, more negative thoughts will result, but you will know better who the enemy happens to be. Put the creep on alert they you won’t take it anymore.

8. Say, “That’s enough . . . I really feel hurt,” when your partner has gone too far and trespassed into your private zone. Criticism isn’t as easy to take as it is to dish out. Our partners can usually hit us where it hurts most. By yelling foul to low blows, caring partners will usually stand back and take account of their actions.

9. Handle a snake in the grass as if it’s poisonous. Self-criticizers are notorious for accepting any negative jabs directed their way. It is OK to say “No” to intense criticisms that are meant to puncture our egos and poison our wills. If necessary, fight back and offer counter-statements about what you have done for the person who is criticizing you. “Just list the facts…Ma’am,” as the old Dragnet saying goes. Don’t be shy about telling what good things you have brought to the relationship.

10. Take time to lick your wounds and collect your self-esteem. Go ahead and put your mental energy elsewhere — jogging, aerobics, reading, music, meditation or prayer. You may not have full concentration to devote to the task, but it will help you work off a little of the negatives that are pulling you down.

So, do you know hear what I’m saying? Do you know what I mean? Are you ready for a steady flow of self-confidence? Self-criticism IS the number one change resistance of all time that bursts your confidence bubble.

ARE YOU THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE…OR SITTING ON THE PITY THRONE WASTING TIME?

Remember, you’re not alone on the self-criticism treadmill. It effects the most conscientious of people. But blowing your circuits with a lot of self-derisive noise just makes the computer screen go blank and your will get sapped of self-directed energy.