SLY AS A FOX
Are you dealing with a crafty, conniving communicator? What do you know? Plenty! When you feel tremendous fear or anxiety in a relationship, chances are you’re dealing with a very clever communicator, one who has a magnetic personality and who is smart as a fox. “We’re not working out…we’re not a good match!” may not be enough to get you out of the arms of the crafty communicator. Grief, too, will nip at your heels, “If she or he leaves, I will lose out on the best thing that could happen to me. Couldn’t I do more to fix this problem?” Acid test: If you can’t push back or say “No” when you are met by great debates or a sledgehammer-type talk approach, then you are dealing with a difficult cagey communicator.
HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M DEALING WITH A SLY COMMUNICATOR?
Some telltale symptoms of being in a relationship with a sly communicator…
- They try to feed me a manure sandwich of fear-driven thinking
- Energy-wise, I feel like I’m slogging in knee-high mud while chasing a hog
- I feel anxious in the relationship much of the time
- Addictions seek me out
- I don’t feel free or able to leave the relationship
- My mind gets obsessively stuck on what my relationship partner is or isn’t doing
Basically, you feel like you’re walking on your tiptoes on broken glass. And you never know what mood will be staring at you, from the face of your partner.
WHEN YOUR ENERGY IS BEING DRAINED BY A CRAFTY COMMUNICATOR
How to know if your energy is being stolen and controlled by your difficult relationship partner:
1. FAIRY DUST THROWN IN YOUR EYES. Your vision will be clouded by a demeanor of charming innocence. There is a wide-eyed look or beguiling voice tone used as the crafty communicator bears down on you.
2. I CAN’T TOTALLY HAVE HIM OR HER. You will sense in your gut that you really can’t stay close to the crafty communicator or attain his complete commitment.
3. YOUR FIRST AND LAST IMPRESSIONS ARE WRONG. I’ve affectionately nicknamed the crafty communicator The Impressionator, because this person can’t ever quite be tied down in words or deeds or made to keep her word. What you see is definitely not what you get.
4. THE IMPRESSIONATOR. As the master of disguises and ruses, the impression you get will be carefully contrived by the crafty communicator. You will be led to conclusions by subtle suggestions and promptings.
5. MIND-BOGGLING ANXIETY. You will have more and more and more worriment when you are involved in a relationship with the crafty communicator. Your anxiety will sky rocket when actions are taken by him to undermine your authentic love.
6. GRIEF SHATTERING YOUR HEART INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES. The Impressionator is a blend of “impression-maker” and “terminator.” You will feel impending loss, threat of loss, fear of loss, actual loss, future loss, loss multiplied when the crafty communicator drops your expectations in a deep bucket…then turns…and walks away.
7. EXTREMISM. You will feel, “Oh, no, this is my only option!” — “If I don’t stay with this relationship, I’ve got nothing!” — “I feel so lonely and despairing without him or her!” — “I may not be able to have all of him/her, but at least I can settle for the consolation prize of a little bit!” There is a chronic feeling of grief and loss, such as, “This is as good as life gets, so you had better take it!” You will feel like you’re wearing a heavy, water-soaked winter coat, while hiking across a mountain range.
8. WORK FOR LOVE. You will feel that you have to work hard…really hard to communicate and really hard just to get along. You’ll walk on eggshells for fear you’ll do or say something to cause another blowup. You’ll put aside your wants and needs to say “Yes” when you really want to, and should, say “No.” In short, you must work unduly hard to try to earn love, but you won’t ever be loved normally or easily…as you deserve.
9. ENERGY DRAIN. Without your clever communicator, you will have much more energy for other people, pet projects, and doing things that are pleasing to you. In the absence of your crafty communicator, all the uncertainty that has been spread around like manure, disappears.
This communicator sub-type isn’t a fluke. It’s not a bizarre or a once-in-a-lifetime encounter, either. But, you can survive the emotional vampire.
GO ON…
It takes a while to unscramble this slick and deceiving communicator puzzle so you can put all the pieces together to see the whole picture. You’ve done well. You should know that my second nickname for this communicator type, revealed through the Talk to Me© effective communication system, is Teacher. Why, you ask? Isn’t a teacher supposed to help you learn something important, something that will help you understand and be a positive member of society? Yes, and you will be taught over and over again to discover something new and empowering about yourself so you can get on with your life instead of dragging around the Impressionators’ grief baggage for them.
WHAT TO EXPECT, SHOULD YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE THE SLY ONE…
1. You will experience far less anxiety.
2. You will no longer blame yourself.
3. Your obsessive thinking will cease.
4. You will explore new avenues of pleasure and self-expression.
5. You will see and hear truth clearly, and you will be true to your own thoughts.
6. Your once-addictive habits will disappear.
7. You won’t feel like a nut who hasn’t yet fallen from the tree.
8. You will see through the multiple disguises of any Impressionator you should chance to meet.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D
Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s pioneering interpersonal communications system will help you get along with anyone, even the difficult or annoying people in your life, to make you a better communicator. His communication system is the focus of his third book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.