The Crafty Communicator
SLY AS A FOX
Are you dealing with a crafty, conniving communicator? What do you know? Plenty! When you feel tremendous fear or anxiety in a relationship, chances are you’re dealing with a very clever communicator, one who has a magnetic personality and who is smart as a fox. “We’re not working out…we’re not a good match!” may not be enough to get you out of the arms of the crafty communicator. Grief, too, will nip at your heels, “If she or he leaves, I will lose out on the best thing that could happen to me. Couldn’t I do more to fix this problem?” Acid test: If you can’t push back or say “No” when you are met by great debates or a sledgehammer-type talk approach, then you are dealing with a difficult cagey communicator.
HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M DEALING WITH A SLY COMMUNICATOR?
Some telltale symptoms of being in a relationship with a sly communicator…
- They try to feed me a manure sandwich of fear-driven thinking
- Energy-wise, I feel like I’m slogging in knee-high mud while chasing a hog
- I feel anxious in the relationship much of the time
- Addictions seek me out
- I don’t feel free or able to leave the relationship
- My mind gets obsessively stuck on what my relationship partner is or isn’t doing
Basically, you feel like you’re walking on your tiptoes on broken glass. And you never know what mood will be staring at you, from the face of your partner.
WHEN YOUR ENERGY IS BEING DRAINED BY A CRAFTY COMMUNICATOR
How to know if your energy is being stolen and controlled by your difficult relationship partner:
1. FAIRY DUST THROWN IN YOUR EYES. Your vision will be clouded by a demeanor of charming innocence. There is a wide-eyed look or beguiling voice tone used as the crafty communicator bears down on you.
2. I CAN’T TOTALLY HAVE HIM OR HER. You will sense in your gut that you really can’t stay close to the crafty communicator or attain his complete commitment.
3. YOUR FIRST AND LAST IMPRESSIONS ARE WRONG. I’ve affectionately nicknamed the crafty communicator The Impressionator, because this person can’t ever quite be tied down in words or deeds or made to keep her word. What you see is definitely not what you get.
4. THE IMPRESSIONATOR. As the master of disguises and ruses, the impression you get will be carefully contrived by the crafty communicator. You will be led to conclusions by subtle suggestions and promptings.
5. MIND-BOGGLING ANXIETY. You will have more and more and more worriment when you are involved in a relationship with the crafty communicator. Your anxiety will sky rocket when actions are taken by him to undermine your authentic love.
6. GRIEF SHATTERING YOUR HEART INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES. The Impressionator is a blend of “impression-maker” and “terminator.” You will feel impending loss, threat of loss, fear of loss, actual loss, future loss, loss multiplied when the crafty communicator drops your expectations in a deep bucket…then turns…and walks away.
7. EXTREMISM. You will feel, “Oh, no, this is my only option!” — “If I don’t stay with this relationship, I’ve got nothing!” — “I feel so lonely and despairing without him or her!” — “I may not be able to have all of him/her, but at least I can settle for the consolation prize of a little bit!” There is a chronic feeling of grief and loss, such as, “This is as good as life gets, so you had better take it!” You will feel like you’re wearing a heavy, water-soaked winter coat, while hiking across a mountain range.
8. WORK FOR LOVE. You will feel that you have to work hard…really hard to communicate and really hard just to get along. You’ll walk on eggshells for fear you’ll do or say something to cause another blowup. You’ll put aside your wants and needs to say “Yes” when you really want to, and should, say “No.” In short, you must work unduly hard to try to earn love, but you won’t ever be loved normally or easily…as you deserve.
9. ENERGY DRAIN. Without your clever communicator, you will have much more energy for other people, pet projects, and doing things that are pleasing to you. In the absence of your crafty communicator, all the uncertainty that has been spread around like manure, disappears.
This communicator sub-type isn’t a fluke. It’s not a bizarre or a once-in-a-lifetime encounter, either. But, you can survive the emotional vampire.
GO ON…
It takes a while to unscramble this slick and deceiving communicator puzzle so you can put all the pieces together to see the whole picture. You’ve done well. You should know that my second nickname for this communicator type, revealed through the Talk to Me© effective communication system, is Teacher. Why, you ask? Isn’t a teacher supposed to help you learn something important, something that will help you understand and be a positive member of society? Yes, and you will be taught over and over again to discover something new and empowering about yourself so you can get on with your life instead of dragging around the Impressionators’ grief baggage for them.
WHAT TO EXPECT, SHOULD YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE THE SLY ONE…
1. You will experience far less anxiety.
2. You will no longer blame yourself.
3. Your obsessive thinking will cease.
4. You will explore new avenues of pleasure and self-expression.
5. You will see and hear truth clearly, and you will be true to your own thoughts.
6. Your once-addictive habits will disappear.
7. You won’t feel like a nut who hasn’t yet fallen from the tree.
8. You will see through the multiple disguises of any Impressionator you should chance to meet.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D
Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s pioneering interpersonal communications system will help you get along with anyone, even the difficult or annoying people in your life, to make you a better communicator. His communication system is the focus of his third book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.
THE CAGEY COMMUNICATOR
By Dennis O’Grady
A cagey communicator is a “smart as a fox” type you can’t really pin down, no matter how hard you try to. Cagey communicators steal the will of the people right from underneath their very own noses. They are able to convince you that what’s false is true, what’s up is down, and that the reason you frown is not their fault but is due to your own shameful unworthiness.
CAGEY COMMUNICATOR TRAITS THAT WILL ENSNARE YOU
There’s nothing “regular” about the “brainwashing” capacities of the cagey talker. Here are the leading traits of the cagey communicator that can make you feel like a caged animal who wants to run free:
1. DOESN’T LISTEN. Cagey communicators do not shut up and listen! They will go on and on and on, beating the same drab drum about what rules of right vs. wrong you and the group should fearfully follow.
2. IMAGE MAKER. Everything is smoke and mirrors in the sometimes Funhouse but most times Griefhouse of the cagey communicator. Impression management: You will be told and sold the approved social image that the cagey communicator wants you to believe.
3. INTRIGUE. You will be kept guessing as to the true identity of cagey communicators. However, they say a lot about the self all the time. That is, if you can believe that what they say they are, is what they say they are!
4. WILL BREAKER. You will feel coyly controlled, or that your freedom has been jailed, and you will feel forced to go along with their program — if you know what’s good for you.
5. COWARD. The cagey communicator escapes personal problems at all costs. Failures and conflicts are always about how what’s gone wrong is the fault of someone or something else, that is bad to the bone.
6. STIRS UP CONTROVERSY. Cagey communicators are dishonest about what they are truly feeling. Moreover, to take the heat of accountability off themselves, they will set fires in adjacent locations as talk distractions.
7. RELATIONSHIP DEFICIT DISORDER. There will be no “true” relationship or interpersonal closeness with people who matter most to a business or family. As soon as you get close, the cagey communicator pulls away.
8. HOOKS YA. Intermittent relationship reinforcement is used is used to keep you hooked and on the line. Thus, you will be the rat who is fed pellets by the cagey communicator, as long as you turn in the prescribed direction as instructed.
9. INSECURITY. Deep insecurity and old grief exist in the inner bowels of the cagey communicator, whose security is fortified by controlling others and by bending others’ will to their own purposes.
10. SMOKESCREEN. Claims to be fully committed, but isn’t. There are always two conflicting forces, such as two love partners or conflicting business alliances. What isn’t said but implied: “Although I’m always stuck in the middle doing the dirty work, at least I’m as needed as the tires on a car.”
11. UNCHANGING. Seldom does anything truly change inside the cagey communicator, but drama cycles around him or her constantly. Of course, you will be encouraged to dispense with some of your biggest talents, strengths, and assets, which will break your will and make you easier to control.
12. BLAMELESS. “It’s wasn’t my fault, because that’s not what I really meant!” is the escape clause that is often utilized by the cagey communicator. If you say something, doesn’t that mean that your word means something? Not to the cagey communicator, who manipulates a situation to get what he or she wants without the free consent of others.
13. HIT LIST. You will be widely rewarded, if you agree, or severely punished if you disagree or refuse to go along to get along with the unethically guided cagey communicator. Make no mistake about it…there are “hit lists” which are meticulously followed.
14. SUCK YOUR ENERGY DRY. The cagey communicator will put a long syringe into your skull, or a very long straw, and suck your last ounce of passionate energy dry. If you isolate or doubt yourself, you will dry up and blow away like dusty bones in the desert.
15. DON’T LEAVE ME! The cagey communicator will make you feel sorry for them, really, really sorry. It’s true! You will feel as if you’re stuck in a Tar Baby, and the harder you hit, the more stuck you will become. Don’t worry: There is always a next cast of players.
16. SHIFTING GRIEF. The ultimate dreaded inner issue that the cagey communicator refuses to turn around and look at is old grief baggage…very old. This unspoken grief is acted out or passed off to others in the form of guilt baggage.
The cagey communicator will not heal without ultimately dealing with intense grief issues.
TALK TO ME SYSTEM DATA
In my extensive studies using the Talk to Me© system, I’ve found only 20% of communicators are cagey. That means 80% of us are straight shooters, who aren’t trying to get our way at the expense of others. Is there a difference among men and women? Gender speaking, 62% of manipulators are men and 38% of manipulators are women. But, oh my, how one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch, when allowed!
WHAT’S THIS GOT TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER?
I often hear “I don’t want to be associated with the cagey communicator any longer!” How do you break free of the cagey communicator? Well, you’ve got to leave, or fire them. That’s about the only two ways. You will work and try, and try harder, and work more and still nothing significant will change, at least for any extended period of time. Why is it so hard to leave them? Well, maybe they cause us to pull together as a group, activating our true inner powers for the good of all. That’s what happened to Harry Potter and friends when besieged by the cagey communicator called Prof. Umbridge.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communication expert, corporate trainer, and event keynote speaker. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and families. Dennis is the developer of the results-driven Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. His book of effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — January 31, 2008 @ 1:50 pm
Cagey people just hate Plain and Simple, to the point communications, just as cockroaches hate the light. Fully prepare for your meetings, talks, communiques before hand. Outline your agenda for your purpose and stick to it. Question any Cagey or Coy replies to flesh out the true “Exactly what do you, or did you mean?” “What are your intentions to support this “idea”, if positive exactly what track should you pursue?”"Are you saying you disagree or agree, I am not following your answer, you appear to be saying yes and yet you also appear uncomfortable saying so, what is going on here?” Be tactful, caring and yet, allow no slip slide answers, allow no nipping or snipping crafty magic act, by simply preparing for all possible maneuvers. Best as you can. This puts Cagey on notice you are on to them. They better have allies because you have their number. Avoid cuddle conversation. Avoid truces. Keep all communication, plain, simple and mostly written to avoid the traps of cagey excuses and explanations.
Comment by donhall — February 26, 2008 @ 11:21 pm