Do you know people who are such driven perfectionists that they’ll say things like, “I’ve got too much to do to relax!” It’s a hallmark kind of comment, one that can drive perfectionists (and those around them) nuts. And although all work and no play can turn Jack and Jill into dull adults (or kids), that doesn’t make perfectionists elsewhere stop and smell the cut grass. So many times, perfectionists are prone to say: “After I get all my work done…and get all the project monkeys off my back…THEN I can relax and enjoy myself.” Sad part is…the time to relax never comes.
EMPATHIZING WITH PERFECTIONISM
The pressure to be perfect is primarily experienced as an “infernal internal pressure to get it all done perfectly in order to live in an ideal world.” Empathizer-type communicators, especially, are plagued with pressures to be perfect…the perfect child or teen, the perfect worker, the perfect spouse, the perfect friend, the perfect lover, the perfect shopper, the perfect eater. They’re driven to have the perfect body, be the perfect catch, be the perfect church family parishioner…ah puke. In contrast, Instigator-type communicators look for shortcuts and feel that “requirements” are simply “suggestions” rather than commands or commandments. Thus, I-types will get the job done the easiest way possible. In essence, they do less but enjoy life more.
PERFECTIONISM IS PERFECTLY INSANE
That’s why I sarcastically say: “Perfectionism is perfectly insane.” As a psychologist, I hurt every time I see a wonderful human being (child, teen, adult, elder) who is draining him- or herself with excessive demands to do everything right (now, if not yesterday).
In their minds, being perfect is a constant, negative talk pattern of displeasing the self. They must do everything faster better bigger. No mistakes. No exceptions. Don’t eat to much. Don’t swear. Don’t sweat the small stuff but none of it’s small stuff. Why aren’t I sleeping better at night? Why can’t I just let it go? What’s wrong with me? Is my depression coming back? Am I going to drive people away? Why do I have to do this when other people are working less? Why is everyone else goofing off more but enjoying life to the max!
THUS, PERFECT IS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH
Perfect is NEVER enough for a perfectionist. You can always strive to be better…you CAN always be better. Ironically, the harder you try to control the world through the vehicle of perfectionism and idealism…the behinder you will get in feeling good about your life. Perfectionism keeps your mind ever busy, always thinking in dead-end circles. Perfectionism makes it hard to relax as you become more dissatisfied in your personal life, your work life, your spiritual life. When you drive to the city of Perfectionism, you can only get closer but you never arrive in a place called Peace.
SYMPTOMS OF THE PRESSURE TO BE PERFECT
How do you know if you or someone you love is being driven nuts by the unrealistic need to create a perfect world? Symptoms of the “anxious drive to be perfect” are:
1. YOU SNAP EASILY. You find yourself getting angry about small things. Petty annoyances and irritations feel big as life, driven by: “I can’t enjoy myself until I get everything out of the way!”
2. FEELING DOWN. You feel blue, de-energized, listless, drained, helplessly hoping and feel cheated of enjoyment because: “I work like crazy to get it all done and then I feel pooped.”
3. “I’M A RELATIONSHIP DOWNER!” You believe that you are a weight around the ankles of your life partner, dragging him or her down just when he/she is just trying to enjoy life in the pool of pleasure.
4. “IT’S NOT FAIR!” WOES. You feel that others are working less and getting more out of their lives…and you’re right!
5. GRUMPY ATTITUDE. You get grumpy from cracking the whip over your back, and say: “It’s just not fair that I have to have all this piled on my shoulders. Why don’t other people I know worry about the big stuff or even the little stuff like I do? What am I doing wrong?”
6. INTERPERSONAL ISOLATION. You don’t interact socially as much as you used to. Work is valued above interpersonal relationships. For example, you don’t have “time to waste” by meeting with friends or talking with them on the phone because “I’ve gotta’ go now and get some things done because I’m running behind.”
7. “I TAKE THINGS TOO PERSONALLY.” You realize that you’re taking teasing comments TOO personally, and then feel bad about feeling bad and even feel angry because: “Why don’t you/they understand me…understand the ton of pressure that’s bending me under?”
8. ON-OFF MOOD. Your mood goes up and down like a roller coaster, and others don’t ask you to do things together as often for fear of hearing, “I’d like to, but I’m too busy to.”
9. “WHY AREN’T I HAPPY LIKE I USED TO BE?” Trying hard to be perfect automatically takes a toll on all those “tiny moments of joy that make up our lifetime.” We mishear a kids’ joke and parentally scold: “We’ve got to do BETTER around here and pick up our shoes for a change!” is the reaction…instead of a spontaneous laugh.
10. ‘WHAT IFFERS’ ARE WORRIED. You’re repeatedly hearing from a wide-range of caring friends and family members: “Is everything all right? What’s wrong? You seem so tense and uptight. You’ve got to take a chill pill. Is it something I said or did…because you seem so off your game, lately!”
11. CAN’T EVER RELAX. You can’t ever seem to relax. Even when you’re “supposed to feel relaxed,” you are making plans in your head and strategizing about what next group of tasks needs to be done by you.
12. FLAKE OUT. After a self-imposed, perfectionism-driven-maniac day in which you forget to breathe…your mind melts and you “flake out” by staring at the television, doing bills, overeating, falling asleep, or shamelessly scolding yourself for not getting more done in less time.
13. HAVE-TO-ISM. “I have to work like crazy to get it all done!” And, “I’m supposed to fulfill ALL of my obligations to the best of my abilities.” Or, “If I don’t do IT then IT won’t get done.” Or, “I can’t trust anybody to come through and do as good as job as I do!”
So do you work like crazy to get it all done? Then that’s how you’ll end up…crazy with self-induced tensions.
“WHEN IT ALL GETS DONE, THEN I’LL RELAX!”
Are you lying to yourself when you promise to relax once everything gets done? No, but that simple statement is a wrinkle-faced lie because it never all gets done…closer to done maybe, but done-done? No way, Jose. Whoosh…your life is gone then and you’re filled with post-mortem regrets.
WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL IT’S EASY TO RELAX
In your (perfect) mind, you are not over-working…you’re just working non-stop to get all the stuff done. BUT does this pressure to be perfect rob you and your relationship of enjoyment, pleasure and peace-filled existence or detract from your performance? Only if you allow your life to be driven to perfection. SO next time you say: “BUT I can’t afford to relax until I get it all done!?” remember this: You can’t afford NOT to!
DO LESS TO BE MORE
Just for today, put aside your “to do” list. Hey you, Empathizers, remember that it’s OK to “do less to be more.” And if you’re an Instigator communicator? Teach the E-types you love how not to take “assignments or requirements” as commandments that they must fulfill for fear of falling into the great abyss. Short story: Ask an E-type what you can do to help him/her out of stress and into relaxation today.
TALK TO ME
Dr. Dennis O’Grady thinks it’s perfectly OK to be self-critical enough to figure out if you are a perfectionist (and if so, chill out for a day, just to see what it’s like!). He’s the author of Talk to Me: Communications Moves to Get Along With Anyone and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.