The Midnight Cowboy movie song lyrics, “Everybody’s talkin’ at me…I don’t hear a word they’re saying…!” doesn’t have to be your theme song as you stand alone at the end of the communicator dance. Most of us “shut up and shut down” or don’t express our inner selves because we believe that no one truly wants to hear what we think or feel anyway. That leaves us feeling disconnected, mad, hurt and disappointed, lonesome, alone, discouraged and filled to the gills with “Why even try!” negativism.
TALKING FACILITATES (NOT INHIBITS) UNDERSTANDING
Talking is supposed to facilitate, not inhibit, the open expression of your authentic inner self. You aren’t talked to but talked with. At the end of an effective, interactive talk, you’ve learned something new about yourself and your co-communicator, something that you can put to use to strengthen your relational bond. And you start feeling confident as you have a string of talk successes behind you.
HOW TO CREATE TALKS THAT WORK?
Here’s how to create talks that work and keep your head from spinning ‘round and ‘round:
1. Focus on one talk target. Talk Rule: Before you attempt to talk, tell yourself what the single goal is in order to keep the conversation simple and focused. Talk Time: “My goal is to talk about why I haven’t been talking much lately.”
2. Ask for talk time. Talk Rule: It’s not good manners to assume that someone is instantly available to talk to you. Talk Time: “Is this a bad (O.K.) time to talk?” If so, “When would be a better time for us to talk?”
3. Read the talk headline. Talk Rule: Calmly state the topic of talking in a “headliner” fashion that announces the big story. Talk Time: “I would like to talk to you about _____ (the kid’s grades). Would you be up for it?”
4. Take off change pressure. Talk Rule: Take the pressure off from you and your co-communicator to fix a problem prematurely. Talk Time: “This problem doesn’t need to be fixed right now.” Or, “I just want to brainstorm options to better understand what’s going on here.”
5. Parrot back. Talk Rule: Agree that the core message has been accurately heard in spite of disagreement. Talk Time: “I am hearing you say _____. Is that correct?” Or, “What are you hearing me say?”
6. Plug in. Talk Rule: Live by, “Honesty is the best policy.” Talk Time: “I don’t think I’m being honest with you.” Or, “I believe if I honestly tell you how I think or feel, you will tell me to ‘Shut up!’”
7. A win for all. Talk Rule: Suspend or postpone your talks when they become competitive tug-of-wars or inhibiting debates. Talk Time: “Endless debating won’t help either one of us.” Or, “A tug-of-war isn’t what we need right now.” Better is, “Let’s stop talking for now but keep being nurturing one another until we figure this out.”
8. Don’t throw sticks or stones. Talk Rule: Being a communication bully gets you nowhere when you get things off your chest but hurt your listener. Talk Time: “I don’t think I can control my temper. I need to walk away and cool off. Is that O.K. with you?”
9. Keep your head on. Talk Rule: When your head starts spinning from the speed of back-and-forth talking, slow down the train and think about what you are thinking and feeling. Talk Time: “My mind is racing so I need to slow down and think for a minute.” Or, “I’m feeling like we’re getting off track.”
10. Say, “Erase that.” Talk Rule: When your anxieties run high during tense talks, and you say something stupid, you can take back what you just said by saying, “Erase that! I want to take back what I just said.” Talk Time: “Erase what I just said. I spoke out of line and I didn’t really mean it.”
11. Brainstorm. Talk Rule: Brainstorm new options or ways of looking at stressful situations or difficult emotions and discourage lazy talk habits. Talk Time: “If we couldn’t fail, what would we do differently about this problem?” Or, “Let’s not put down any new ideas about change and keep our minds open.”
12. Grow it forward. Talk Rule: The payoff of effective talking is personal growth that makes room in relationships for the fresh air and sunshine of new insights. Talk Time: “What have we learned here that we can put to good use in the future?” Or, “How have we succeeded in little ways to strengthen our bond?”
TALKING ISN’T DUMPING FEELINGS
Talking doesn’t mean placing blame, making excuses or running away and hiding. Constructive talking means walking in the moccasins of a partner for a few miles.
There’s got to be a better way to talk—and a better relationship day to enjoy. Talk to win understanding. Talk NOW.
TALK TO ME
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker and an executive-relationship coach, and the developer of a proven new communication theory found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.