There are times when your co-communicator at work or home will talk big, preach loudly, opinionizing and pontificating effusively about why or what is right or wrong with you, your actions or your thinking. Likewise, I’ve learned from doing executive coaching and relationship counseling, that an empathetic listener (due to no fault of their own) may be at a loss for words and become tongue tied. For example, when a co-talker says, “WHY did you do or think that?” the sensitizer right away can flip off the switch to good talking due to that parentally stern rebuke.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY I DID THAT? WELL, WHY NOT?
CommTool#14 doesn’t debate, argue or excessively explain to the challenger why you owe anyone an explanation for anything. It’s a hook and a trap to start explaining your position to someone who is mostly interested in tearing apart or riddling your viewpoint with doubt and critiques. Why do you do something? Well, why not? “So, what’s your point?” gets at the heart of the matter too.
ASSERTIVELY TALKING BACK TO IMPROVE THE DIALOGUE
Bad talks consist of one-way monologues. Good talks are represented by two-way adult dialogues. Positive talk occurs when both communicators stand a good chance of learning something new from the discussion instead of feeling they have been in a talk collision that leads to a concussion.
Here’s how this simple assertive 360 DEGREE FEEDBACK LOOP works to keep your head clear and your stress load in acceptable levels:
TALKER: I have no self-confidence.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: IF you think you can’t do it, then you won’t do it.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: Your going to leave me in the lurch.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”
TALKER: I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I shouldn’t rock the boat.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I feel like I’m losing my mind.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I can’t stay focused…I get off-subject due to my short attention span.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I worry and think too much.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I can’t stand it…I just can’t take it any more.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I’m not saying it’s your fault.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: Are you saying it’s all my fault?
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I can’t talk to you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I can’t give you the things you deserve that make you feel good.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I’m going to fail.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: There’s NO way I can fail.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I’m emotionally overwhelmed…I can’t think straight right now.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I didn’t mean what I said. I wish I could take it back.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: My ego is as fragile as an egg.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: When I try to jump in the team canoe…I miss by a foot…who moved my canoe?
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: You don’t understand ME.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: Now I’ve really got to be honest with you here.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I’m SO negative all-day long.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: You hold grudges and don’t get past the past.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I need to shake up the tree a little bit.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I’ve been riding the bubble, but it may pop.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I should be called on the carpet for smarting off to you like that.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I can’t be myself with you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: You make me so nervous I can’t concentrate or see straight.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I’m dumpin’ my complainin’ on you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I have NO hard feelings or carry any baggage.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I shouldn’t have done THAT.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I live by the Bible and expect others to.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I don’t back down and say what you may not want to hear when I’m in the right.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I’ll tell you what I think even if it displeases you.
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”TALKER: I’m not trying to tell you what to do BUT…
TALK UP: “IF YOU SAY SO!”
CHALLENGE…THEN LISTEN TO WHAT NEXT IS SAID
When you’re communicating effectively and openly, you walk on new sacred talk ground where the unexpected happens. So issue a directive question to the speaker, then use three ears to hear their answer. Usually, you will obtain a deeper understanding of why or why not a fellow talk traveler is or isn’t doing something you need to feel connected to the project at hand.
IF I’M THE VICTIM HERE, AREN’T I OWED SOME EXTRA COMPENSATION?
Most of us aren’t really victims, we just feel that way. To get out of the corner you feel put in? Turn around or walk backwards, and walk into a bigger space or place where no one is leading your life but you. After all, you are responsible for being the leader of your own life!
Why stew or resent what someone said to you. Talk back by speaking up! Speak up for your right to live your own life free and sail in the direction your heart-mind tells you to go in.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHECK OUT THESE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS?
CommTool#13: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
CommTool#12: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…?
CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT?
CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY
CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED
CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND
CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT
CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT
CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME
CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD
CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR
CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?
CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides professional keynote speeches, executive coaching and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new positive TTM communications system, executive coaching, relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from speaking up confrontationally, while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of you and your co-communicators type by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “pretty good communicator” then ask the Communication Tools (CommTools) questions above to a co-worker or family member…and then listen open-mindedly to the answers. You will be surprised what you learn when you have the pluck to ask directive questions and the hear/listen to the answers.