Posts in category: PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

STEER CLEAR OF CONFUSING COMMUNICATORS

Confusing communication causes conflict. You feel like you’ve failed to make the grade, but you’re not sure exactly what you did wrong. If you could see through the eyes of a narrow-minded communicator, your life vision would be blurred. You should steer clear of confusing communicators, especially when you hear their words as opinions with an agenda, or pure gospel.

YOU’RE NOT HEARING A WORD I’M SAYING

So, how do you know that you’re in a bewildering relationship filled with confusing communication? The standard negative talk pattern of the confusing communicator is DEFLECTION. For example, each numbered declaration below is “defensively deflected” with a re-direct that sounds good, but may be false in reality.

Ready now to observe deflection of straight talk in action?

1. You don’t listen to a word I say.

Confusing Communicator: I didn’t do it intentionally, and I’m truly sorry for any pain I’ve caused you.

2. You haven’t shown me any changes.

Confusing Communicator: I feel damned if I do change and damned if I don’t change. I would do anything for you, but why isn’t this change-thing a fifty-fifty deal?

3. We can’t express opinions without an argument ensuing.

Confusing Communicator: You’ve got to have a give-and-take that’s fair. I’m not arguing, but I am expressing what I believe in.

4. You’re too worried what others think.

Confusing Communicator: If you’re done, tell me right now, and I’ll walk away. Are you done?

5. Your actions speak louder than words.

Confusing Communicator: I want to show you by my actions that I care, but you’re not making yourself available. I don’t mean anything personal by what I’ve said before. I don’t have control over everything, you know.

6. You don’t help out around here.

Confusing Communicator: It’s not that I’m too lazy to do what you want me to do, but why should I have to always follow your rules on your time schedule?

7. You’re so sweet, then you can be so mean. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you.

Confusing Communicator: I’m fighting for you, not with you. I’m fighting for our future. I fight tooth-and-nail because I love you so much. Sometimes I do say things, out of anger, which I don’t mean.

8. We don’t accomplish anything by talking.

Confusing Communicator: I take things very personally. I don’t want to feel that screwed up. I don’t turn it around on you. Your view is that I’m bashing you, but I’m just trying to point out what you’re not doing right.

9. You make me look like the bad guy, and that it’s all my fault.

Confusing Communicator: I want to get along with you. That’s all I really want to do, but you don’t make it any easier. We’re not going to accomplish a damn thing by always being so negative.

10. Every time I confront you, all I get back from you are a bunch of excuses.

Confusing Communicator: Sometimes you hurt the people closest to you. You know I didn’t intend to hurt you. I’m not that bad. We can get past this.

11. It’s all about you. You don’t care.

Confusing Communicator: You act like it’s all about me. I’m not putting blame, but if you can’t show me respect, then I have to look out for myself. You’ve always had a problem expressing your feelings and emotions. I need to be shown that I’m loved and respected physically and emotionally.

12. If it’s not your way, it’s the highway.

Confusing Communicator: There have been times when I tried to make plans that didn’t fit your ideas, but they didn’t work out. Are you saying that’s my fault?

13. You lie and fabricate.

Confusing Communicator: I don’t want to fight with you. I’m sure there have been times when I have told a tiny white lie, but I can’t give you any specifics. Sometimes I try to put my best foot forward by making myself look bigger than I am.

14. You always have to save face and look good in the eyes of others.

Confusing Communicator: I’ve grown up with people telling me I can’t do it my entire life. What’s wrong with striving to impress others with how good a person I hope to be? You think I don’t care if it’s not what you want to hear.

15. I feel like we’re beating a dead horse.

Confusing Communicator: I’m not trying to turn it back on you or make you look like the bad guy. You’re saying I’m not listening to what you say, but I’m just not agreeing with you. I have my own opinions and own views and because it’s not the way you believe, you say that we’re beating a dead horse.

16. You always turn it around on me to make it look like it’s my fault.

Confusing Communicator: You say I will argue with you until the end of time. I’m not making you look like the bad guy, and I don’t tell lies about you behind your back. Not once have I said I’m not at fault, either.

17. Whatever I say falls on deaf ears.

Confusing Communicator: Whatever the problems happen to be, let’s get busy and work on them. I’m disappointed that you didn’t hit me in the head with a 2×4 so I would have known that something was going on.

These are some of the telltale signposts of confusing, one-way talking that stomp on your last nerve, leaving you feeling mad as hell.

CRAZY AS A LOON OR CRAZYMAKING IN RELATIONSHIPS?

So do you feel crazy in love or made crazy from trying to communicate with the confusing communicator? When you feel like you’re putting 80% of your energy into a relationship and beating a dead horse…you are. Can you figure a way out of here? Actually, you see the elephant in the room but when you speak of it, you feel that you are contradicted and made to look crazy, to blame, insecure, or insincere.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.

RELATIONSHIP FEEDBACK

Delivering quality feedback is a very important – and tricky – function of results-driven communication. Differences in delivery strategies abound: Instigator-type (I-type) communicators prefer their feedback to be blunt, focused, to the point, accurately negative and predictive, yet respectful of the person who is developing a solution. Conversely, Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators, prefer their feedback to be seasoned with lots of words, show-me-how-to-do-it suggestions, genuine not sarcastic, and full of you-can-do-it encouragers. Neither style is better or worse. Crossed wires, however, can cause a tremendous firestorm.

HOW DO YOU CONFRONT A PERSON?

Communication Question: How do you confront a person about a mutual problem without turning off good communication or butting your nose into a relationship place it doesn’t belong? How can you give corrective feedback in a caring way that protects the relationship and respects the individual?

The Talk to Me© System Answer: “It’s all in how you communicate!” Confrontation can be a tough nut to crack when your emotions are like fog enveloping the communicator highway. Tapping on the brakes to slow racing emotions is accomplished through “a heavy dose of communication” or “raw and real communications.” That’s the real struggle – communication. As you know, trust and respect encourage each of us to put our best communicator foot forward.

SITTING DOWN AT THE COMMUNICATOR TABLE TO TALK

How do you confront a personal problem without turning off good communication? Well, here’s how to talk to both I- and E-types on a personal level that won’t cause confrontation or conflict:

TALK TIME: With both communicator types, you first must focus your communication trip on a simple destination, or you will end up lost or in a talk accident. What do you say when you sit down at the communicator table to talk? Suppose the focus is on getting back in the habit of talking with your friend about personal or business matters. It’s like taking a fine car out of the garage and taking off the dusty cover. The car will run like a top just as soon as you turn the key! How to warm talks up again?

1. I JUST WANT TO TALK A LITTLE BIT WITH YOU. I want to open up our lines of communication. I know we’ve been so busy we haven’t had much time to talk much. Let’s talk.

2. MY INTENTION IS TO….I HOPE YOU TAKE THIS THE WAY IT’S INTENDED. We’re at a point with the business where we have many critical decisions to make in the next few years. We have to communicate well and plan ahead to meet the business challenges and make good decisions. I hope you take this the way it’s intended.

3. I WANT YOU TO HEAR ME OUT. I don’t want you to shut me down or shut me out. I’m not the best at expressing my feelings, but I want to be perfectly clear here. I’m feeling sort of nervous, anxious, even afraid and insecure about the future.

4. WE NEED TO GET BACK INTO THE HABIT OF TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE. We need to have a good plan to lead us into the future. Things are changing all around us, and we can’t afford to be in denial or stick our head in the ground like the proverbial ostrich.

5. WE’VE GOT TO GET RID OF DISTRACTIONS THAT ARE CAUSING US NOT TO COMMUNICATE. We’ve got to stop being so distracted by the busy day that we forget to take time to talk about the tough issues. We can’t deflect talking about tough topics by joking, either.

6. I WANT TO OPEN UP CHANNELS OF COMMUNICATION WITH YOU. Are you happy and comfortable with everything going on? I’ve noticed that you haven’t seemed happy for quite some time.

7. WHAT COULD WE DO TO MAKE THIS BETTER? Time goes by so fast. Let’s sit down at least once a month and review what we’ve done to move forward. It’s got to be a priority to review action items which have been completed. What behaviors do you think we need to change?

8. WE HAVE SOME CATCHING UP TO DO ON THE COMMUNICATION FRONT. Bottom line: We have some catching up to do on the communication front. History says we’re good at this, and we need to get our butts in gear now.

9. BLAMING (DRINKING, TIME CRUNCHING, SHOPPING, ETC.) TO RELIEVE OUR PROBLEMS IS A TRAP. We’ve got to mull over how to keep clear-headed about the issues we need to deal with.

CAN I GIVE YOU A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK?

Can you give me a little constructive feedback? Not on your life, unless you know my communicator type! Otherwise, you will be using your preferred style with me, and that shoe may or may not fit. But I’m ready to “Just Talk” with you any time. If I prefer that my bread is buttered with positives in advance to hearing negatives…what type does that make me? Well, don’t you know how Empathizers and Instigators prefer their feedback differently…?

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system that will improve your communication skills fast in your personal relationships and at work, too. Why invest a few bucks and a little time to better your communication style in streamlined steps? Why not! Using bad communication is like throwing opportunities and money right out the window of your blue or burnt orange communicator car. Good communication pays big dividends, while the Blame Game drives you and your relationships — personal or professional — into a ditch.

Refusing to change the oil in your car means you will get partway down Talk Highway, but you will burn your engine out and need to call a tow truck. The TALK TO ME system is comprised of clear rules to make your trip down the two-way communicator highway effective and enjoyable. “The light bulb came on!” effect is just one of the key benefits you’ll receive when you personally use this innovative approach to good communication.

Don’t feel like you’re in the driver’s seat of your own life? Start preparing to get your license to drive on the two-way communicator highway right now! Get improved communication results that will benefit everyone with whom you correspond, in the workplace or at home. When you use the TALK TO ME© effective communication system, you’ll experience a communication trip you won’t soon forget!

EMOTIONAL FOG ON TALK HIGHWAY

Emotional communication can be likened to driving at night down a foggy, winding, unfamiliar country road at 90 mph with your lights off and the radio blaring. One of my relationship communications, Instigator-type coaching clients put it like this:

Maybe I’m just a typical Instigator guy, but how do I communicate with my wife without shutting down or withdrawing? My wife wears her emotions on her Empathizer sleeve, and I don’t do that. She is relentless. I give up on getting my point across. I retreat and say, “O.K. I’ve heard you, let’s move on.” My wife points her finger at me and shakes it for emphasis…which I despise…then, in an accusatory tone, she says: “You don’t understand how I feel! You never talk to me! Talking to you is like pulling teeth because you’re so closed off! Why don’t you want to talk about it?” Geez, the word YOU drives me nuts.

YOU…A NEW TALK RULE

Let’s use a new talk rule: When you is normally used, substitute it with I. It’s hard to incriminate another in this context.

The sole purpose of discussing emotions sincerely, including feeling hurt or vulnerable, is to provide an open door to closeness. My intent is to express myself while I feel — and articulate — more emotions.

NEW DO TALK CLEARLY TALK RULES

TALK RULE 1. Clearly state your talk intention or destination.

For example, “My intention here is to better express my emotions to you.”

TALK RULE 2. Steer around the YOU word, which is an accident waiting to happen.

For example, “You don’t talk to me!” becomes “I’m not doing a very good job of encouraging you to talk to me, am I?”

TALK RULE 3. Be patient — drive the speed limit and stay in the middle of your driving lane.

“You always ignore me!” becomes “You pay attention to me most of the time, in ways that I like.”

TALK RULE 4. Call for corrective action by talking in the feedback style of the Empathizer Listener or Instigator Listener.

For example, whenever we hear ourselves using the YOU word, we’ll change to I/My/Me. For example, “You’re aloof….” becomes “I can’t interpret how you’re feeling, but I would like to know.”

DO YOU WANT PROOF OF THE LIGHT BULB TURNED ON BENEFIT OF THE TALK TO ME© COMMUNICATION SYSTEM?

A client emailed me this message after beginning to utilize TALK TO ME strategies and talk tools:

I have internalized the key strategies of the TALK TO ME© system, and I utilize those communication approaches in every personal interaction throughout the day. I no longer worry about what other people think of me, nor do I overanalyze what I think they may be saying or thinking. Because I’m not caught up in this pattern, I am able to make the correct decisions for myself at work and in my personal relationships. I am now more in tune with the person I am and what my requirements for success and fulfillment are.

M. M. C.
Human Resources Manager

YOU HAVE YOUR DRIVER’S PERMIT IF YOU KNOW YOUR AND YOUR TALK PARTNER’S COMMUNICATION TYPES

I am happy you are studying and using new communication tools. You have your driver’s permit IF you know your and your talk partner’s communication types. You are talking openly, accurately, clearly, confidently. Now what? If you’re an Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, you should start wearing your emotions on your shirt sleeve. And if you’re an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, don’t panic and believe that the communication crash which just happened is your all your fault.

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

As the innovator of the Talk to Me© effective communication system, Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s approach to good communication produces results that will astonish you, just when you thought all hope was lost. Dennis also provides business keynotes, corporate training, and relationship communications coaching, in enjoyably interactive, “real life” training formats.

WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

“You never talk to me!” violates three rules of good communication while you’re driving on Talk Highway, causing a fender bender and your communicator car to skid into a ditch, or far worse. First, “You never talk to me….” actually delivers a hidden, blaming command to stop talking. Second, it bows to “You never….” or “You always…. ” extremism that casts stones of personal blame and beats up your talk partner. Third, it violates The Golden Rule of Good Talk, “You should never use the word YOU in close-up, personal communication, if you want to get great results.” Hard to do when talkers are tired and it’s late and you’ve been driving all day and all the hotels and motels are booked tight on Talk Highway and you just locked your keys in the trunk. Why, this Talk Master Instructor should know!

CAN EMPATHIZERS REALLY TALK RATIONALLY TO INSTIGATORS?

We all can do a better job at bettering our communication styles by walking in the shoes of our opposite communicator style. Staying centered and calm, and talking rationally about intense emotions, without blaming a talk partner, is possible if you are using the Talk to Me© effective communication system.

Lucky 13 E-type emotion-driven criticisms of I-types driving habits on Talk Highways:

1. YOU NEVER TALK TO ME

Instigator View: She’s right in many ways. When I get home I tend to be quiet. I put in long work days. When I get home, the last thing on my mind is to take on a controversial or serious topic.

2. WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

Instigator View: I have a thousand things floating through my head. Setting aside what I still have to do for work, and turning my total attention to her, is difficult. I don’t usually tell people when I’m tired or hurting.

3. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL

Instigator View: Sometimes I do understand how she feels and sometimes I don’t. It depends on what we’re discussing. She’s so emotional it’s hard to sort what’s more or less important.

4. YOU HURT MY FEELINGS

Instigator View: I don’t intend to, but I often blurt something out that hurts a person’s feelings. As a boss, I can say: “We can talk about that topic next week, but let’s stay on task today.” But my wife doesn’t appreciate being told that.

5. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME

Instigator View: I struggle with that one, because I hear what she’s saying, and I think I’m a good listener. When I don’t agree with her, does she think I’m not listening to her?

6. YOU NEVER TELL ME HOW YOU’RE FEELING

Instigator View: That makes me crazy. She tries to tell me how I’m feeling or what I should do or how I should think.

7. YOU DON’T OPEN UP TO ANYBODY

Instigator View: Many times she doesn’t know how I’m feeling, because I’ve already shut down the conversation in my mind, due to finger-pointing blame gaming.

8. YOU’RE ALOOF

Instigator View: It is what it is. She’s entitled to her opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that too many people are picking at me, and I’ve got no time left.

9. YOU SHUT ME OUT

Instigator View: If you’re not forthcoming, people think you’re not telling them everything, in the minutest detail. I say, “You’ve killed that topic so let’s move on.”

10. YOU DON’T COMMIT

Instigator View: I ‘m not quick to show my poker hand. That is viewed as being hard-headed. I think I’m a pretty sensitive and sympathetic person. I just don’t express it very well.

11. WHY CAN’T YOU TALK STRAIGHT?

Instigator View: She’s so focused on her emotions, she misses my point. She struggles with my communication style.

12. PEOPLE SEE YOU AS COLD AND CALCULATING

Instigator View: There are times I agree with that, because it does hurt other people. I don’t like my feelings hurt, I really don’t, but you’re taught in business to leave your emotions out of it.

13. YOU’RE ARGUMENTATIVE

Instigator View: It is what it is. She’s entitled to her opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that I’ve got no extra time on my hands, and my brain begins to shut down the longer communication drags on.

Can Instigators learn to talk more emotionally? Of course. Once we learn to walk a mile in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.

DO YOU KNOW THE COMMUNICATOR TYPE OF YOUR TALK PARTNER?

Common advice to couples in counseling is to, “…tell your talk partner how you feel,” by using, “I feel….” declarative statements. But does this approach work? Sometimes, but now and again they backfire. Why? Because of the intensely fast moving, “I feel you’re always being….!” To the ears of Instigator listeners, Empathizer (or Instigator?) discourse often sounds like accusations. Net result? The Instigator listener — male or female — will shut down. More negative talk ensues, sending us all down dead end alleys. Future talk problems are guaranteed.

DO YOU WANT PROOF OF THE LIGHT BULB TURNED ON BENEFIT OF THE TALK TO ME© COMMUNICATION SYSTEM?

I have internalized the key strategies of the TALK TO ME© system, and I utilize those communication approaches in every personal interaction throughout the day. I no longer worry about what other people think of me, nor do I overanalyze what I think they may be saying or thinking. Because I’m not caught up in this pattern, I am able to make the correct decisions for myself at work and in my personal relationships. I am now more in tune with the person I am and what my requirements for success and fulfillment are.

M. M. C.
Human Resources Manager

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

As the innovator of the Talk to Me© effective communication system, Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s approach to good communication produces results that will astonish you, just when you thought all hope was lost. Dennis also provides business keynotes, corporate training, and relationship communications coaching, in enjoyably interactive, “real life” training formats.

INTERACTIVE LISTENING

Did you know that 70-75% of good communication involves being an interactive listener? But do you really understand the talk preferences of your co-communicator? As a communications psychologist, I’ve been paid to listen for 30+ years, and I haven’t begun to scratch the surface of the science of effective listening. That being said, here are a few general strategies to help you listen with the combined strengths of Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators…

1. BE CALM

Listening Tip: Think — “I’m going to turn my full attention to the speaker now and tune out everything else that’s begging for my consideration.”

2. FOCUS

Listening Tip: Think — “I can do this listening-with-all-ears-open thing by tuning in only to the message of the speaker and by actively listening to what’s being said.”

3. DON’T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS

Listening Tip: Think — “Here I go again, thinking that the speaker doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Enough of the Doubting Thomas stuff. Focus in and listen up!”

4. GO EASY

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Easy does it. Now is not the time to be the harried rabbit, running for all you’re worth to win the race. Slow is better…slow down you mind and listen up! You’re doing pretty darned good so far.”

5. ENCOURAGE POSITIVE TALK

Listening Tip: Think — “My listening skills are improving a little every day in every way. Take a deep breath and relax! This might be a good time to summarize and repeat what I think I heard the speaker say. Ready?!”

6. CHECK IT OUT

Listening Tip: Think — “It takes courage to verify what someone else is saying, especially when emotions are running high and the speaker isn’t happy. Way to go!”

7. BACK PAT

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Being a good listener automatically puts me in the spotlight, as I work hard to satisfy my customers and determine how I can progressively better serve them…important customers which include first, myself; secondly, with whomever I’m speaking; and thirdly, my spouse and children, who need to sound off sometimes. Keep up the good work of listening dude!”

SOUND OFF

Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators listen quite differently, the listening tips above work for both types of communicators. Since E-type speakers aren’t used to being heard–be prepared when you listen up! And since I-type speakers aren’t used to being in the passenger’s seat when communicating–be prepared to relax and take it easy once in a while. Relaxing, opening your mind, and going easy is what effective listening is all about.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication approach, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. You can receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.”