Would you like to own a million dollar solution to many of your relationship communication problems? Who wouldn’t. But if you don’t have that small key to put in your communicator car ignition switch, you aren’t going to get anywhere fast. In fact, chances are you’ll end up spinning your wheels in a communication rut and continue to feel more and more stuck.
THE TEMPTATION OF EMPATHETIC PEOPLE
If you are an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, you defensively don’t ever want to hurt another person’s feelings. You know first-hand how easy it is to get your feelings hurt…so you don’t speak up forcefully, and when you do, you think you are being too intense or going to extremes. To get through to the thicker-skinned Instigator-type (I-type) communicators in your world, your temptation is to listen to others’ opinions before you state your own opinion or conclusion…which is ineffective at best, and very confusing to your Instigator co-communicator at worst.
IF THERE’S A DISCONNECT
Here’s how many of my interpersonally sensitive Empathizer communication clients put it:
I am perceived as being wishy-washy or needing direction so often it makes me frown. I-types perceive me as asking for help when I don’t need it. I have trouble saying, “This is what I need now!” or “This is what I need you to do for me.” There’s a disconnect. I’m not good at stating my opinion right up front, but if I were able, life would be a lot easier.
Can you relate? Who would ever think that being sensitive could irritate communication matters?
A MILLION DOLLAR COMMUNICATION SOLUTION
So, that’s why I say in Talk to Me that Empathizers ought to adopt the strengths of Instigators, and the reverse. Here are some black-and-white ways my newly assertive E-typers are more upfront about their outstanding opinions which will benefit everyone:
1. I’m not good at stating my opinion right up front, but what I feel strongly we should do is…
2. This is my decision.
3. This is the way it is.
4. This isn’t about you.
5. Don’t be confused. I’m not asking for your help.
6. I don’t need suggestions or solutions to the problem.
7. I’ve worked out the answers that will get us down the road on this one.
8. There’s not room for debate.
9. I don’t appreciate your raising your voice with me or talking over me. It shuts me down.
10. I’ll ask for your help if and when I need it.
11. What would it be worth to you if my way is the right way to go?
12. My Achilles heel is that I want to hear others’ opinions, and include everyone’s input, before I give my opinion.
13. This is what I need now. This is what I need to be done.
My favorite thought today is, “I don’t need suggestions, or solutions to this problem — I need you to do what I’m asking you to do. Are you going to do it in a timely way?” Do you hear what I’m saying? Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you catch my drift? Enough already of the humble-to-a-fault act.
I START BACKING DOWN…I START JUSTIFYING MY DECISIONS
Don’t start backing down or justifying your decision. Your decision is final and not open for negotiation. I-types will pounce on your apparent indecision every time. And they will make it about you, instead of the issue.
ARE YOU WRONG TO BE SO DIRECT?
Instigator communicators respect others who take a stand and won’t back down. I-types do love to debate, and are expert debaters, so unnecessary debating with an I-typer will make your communication foggy. Foggy communication you don’t need! You need to be a clear and direct communicator who sends the implied message, “I mean business!” After all, if you can fix a problem why act like you aren’t sure of what you’re doing?
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM YOURSELF
With a little practice, you will come up with your own non-defensive communication strategies that send the message, “I know what I’m doing, it’s the era of the E-type leader, and you would be wise to follow me.”
WHO IS DENNIS O’GRADY?
Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is a corporate trainer and relationship communications coach who is the developer of the proven Talk to Me communication system. If you sincerely want to take charge of and solve many of your communication problems, you need look no further. You can learn to adopt the strengths of your opposing communicator type to get better results, using the positive and effective approaches in Talk to Me. For example, Empathizers need to be more direct and forceful, while Instigators need to be more sensitive and receptive. The difference in your communication results will take you from the horse and buggy era, to the automobile era, and beyond. But — you’ve got to invest in yourself to learn the skills to become a better million dollar communicator.