If you know me, you know I hate getting a bug stuck in my teeth while whistling when I’m driving down the two-way communicator highway. Recently, I went buggy while doing the mall crawl with my teenager daughters; I was accosted by a salesperson who asked me: “Can I ask you a question?” I try to take good communication seriously, but that kind of bad talk strips the last nerve from my psychologist brain when I try to take good talk so seriously. Why be cranked up? Well, I want to be honest with you here…
HONESTY VS. DISHONESTY IN COMMUNICATION
I realize I am a communication prude, a communication conservative, a communication advocate, a communication hard hat, a communication zealot, a communication tiger, a communication geek. Thus, I actually take what people say seriously! Can you imagine that? So why do I object so strongly to dishonesty in business communication as a corporate trainer and communications guru?
1. LIES. Catch the control trip with, “Can I ask you a question?” Yeah, you got it. “Can I ask you a question?” IS a question, while the person acts all innocent that a question has already been asked. A white lie is still a lie!
2. CONTROLS. You’re automatically put in a talk bind with “Can I ask you a question?” Similar to “We’ve got to talk!” If you say “yes” you’ve given your permission for a one-way sales job to begin. If you say “no,” you sound unfair. What about “maybe?”
3. TAKES. It takes energy to defend yourself against dishonest talkers, because you can never tell what’s true from what’s false over the long-distance haul in the relationship.
4. CHEATS AND MANIPULATES. Dishonest talks are designed to make you go against your free will, by taking a talk road someone else wants you to go on.
5. CREATES MISTRUSTS. How can you trust someone who is only paying lip service to interpersonal honesty? Will you also be told and sold something that you need like a hole in the head?
6. PUTS YOU IN A GUILT CORNER. Dishonest communication attempts to stand you in a corner with your nose pressed against the wall. You don’t want to lose being an open person with an open mind by taking guilt trips, right?
7. GIVES GOOD TALK A BAD NAME. Dishonest communication uses words as a dictator would, one who treats adult citizens as disposable children who have no rights or feelings.
Do you communicate honestly, or dishonestly? Do you ask questions that really are embedded with answers you expect to hear?
LOOK WHO’S CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, DOC
Yeah, I was peeved off at the salesperson while still being appreciative that we all need to make a living for our families. So what did I do? I’m not proud to say I feigned that I couldn’t speak English, which is dishonest because I speak the language a little bit. What happened next? More questions. That’s closed communication on a controlling one-way street, vs. open, cooperative communication on a two-way street.
MY BAD…DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…I’VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU
I must proudly confess to promoting honesty in communication. Yeah, I also hate the popular sayings, “My bad!” which doesn’t honestly admit to a mistake. And I loathe the talk filler, “Do ya’ know what I mean?” And I laugh at the mind driller, “I’ve got to be honest with you!” All three transactions imply that I’ve got to agree with you…that I’m not competent or capable to think my own thoughts and come to my own conclusions …that honesty isn’t always the best policy as an independent person. I’ve got to be honest with you: Hey, hey, you, you, get off of my cloud!
ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region psychologist and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” is a husband, father, communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking.