Depression is an inability to do anything. Depression is also an inability to say anything much positive to yourself when you’re down in the dumps. If you are an Empathizer (E-type) communicator, depression will dim your light and sap your energy. If you are an Instigator (I-type) communicator, depression will drain your physical battery and zap your motivation. Either way, when your head’s hanging down, depression is the vampire that bites your neck and sucks the creative life energy right out of you through a BIG straw.
THE BEST ANTI-DEPRESSANT: IMPROVING YOURSELF IN LITTLE WAYS EVERY DAY
Take the case of Peter, a sensitive male Empathizer-type communicator (E-type), and a client who came to see me for executive coaching. He went from a dim light to a bright light pretty darn fast in four meetings. Here’s what Peter told me about using my “positive and effective communication tools.”
“I have an inner sense of well-being now. I’m mellowing like an old bottle of red wine. I work on myself and improve on me every day…although it’s not all about me…not at all. I used to take a small flaw…magnify it…then analyze something to death. I feel a natural optimism now without self-defense mechanisms. My feelings aren’t so easily hurt as they used to be. What doesn’t work in my life–I let go of. I don’t drive things into the ground, and I don’t take anyone or anything for granted. Gaps in communication are closed for the better. I don’t take the negative and run with it and put undue stress on myself as I did before. I used to feel sort of a contempt to care for me…now I feel caring toward how I feel…where I’m going…that I’m not done but heading in the right direction. I feel good…there’s a calm well-being.”
CAN YOU CURE DEPRESSION?
Curing or lessening a depression (or feeling down and blue) depends on your communicator type. Do you know your communicator type? If you are an Empathizer communicator … you will want to “turn around” your negative beliefs into positive thoughts to talk sense to yourself when you feel bad. And if you’re an Instigator communicator … you will want to “turn into” your vulnerable feelings to make sure you don’t “run away” from signs on your road less traveled.
I. Empathizer Communicators: The cure for depression is to talk to your self in unconditionally loving ways. Feel the love of yourself coming right at your self NOW!
II. Instigator Communicators: The cure for depression is to treat yourself to unconditionally loving actions. Feel the love of others coming right at you NOW!
WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR YOU…WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO YOU…HOW TO HELP YOURSELF UP WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN
“I can take some little steps that will yield good results!” is the belief of a positive and effective inner-personal communicator. What you can do to feel better fast too:
1. GET YOUR HAPPY BACK. Feeling down and blue isn’t your fault, but you can improve your mood no matter how bad you’re feeling. Take positive “baby steps” to get your happy back, such as talking positively to yourself in kind and caring ways today. For example, “I won’t put undue stress on myself by adding to my already over-full plate!” will stop running down your mood with the worry of negative thinking.
2. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND. “I am worthless and I can’t do anything useful to feel better now!” is the core magnetic thought of the depressed person, and it’s a thought process that draws negative energy toward the self. If no one likes or approves of you, are you still the “best friend” you have in the world to lean on?
3. LIE IN THE BED YOU’VE MADE OR WALK ON? “I’ve made my bed so now I’ve got to lie down on the sharp nails and broken glass and suffer mightily!” reinforces a passive attitude that you can’t do anything right now. An forever more, it’s truly a pile of elephant crap.
4. CAN YOU BE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY AND BE HAPPY? “I’m not good enough for you or anyone!” is a self-shaming and de-energizing negative belief that will make you hate yourself. Why look a gift horse in the mouth, namely, how you treat yourself when no one is looking? Stop putting yourself down with “I’m not good enough!” circular thinking that will make you frown and feel like a circus clown.
5. HE OR SHE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST JOYS WINS. The double-whammy: Healthy people who feel depressed also feel bad and guilty for feeling bad. Thus, “I feel bad for feeling bad about my life because I have so much going for me and to be thankful for!” is akin to hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. The guilt trip “BUT I have it all and SHOULD feel thankful!” will take you down a dark road of depression with your car lights turned out.
6. JUST A LITTLE LUCK. A little luck goes a long ways. You make your own luck when you talk positively to yourself in the long face of depression. Also, when you do little “energy in” nice things for yourself, such as get a massage, you find this “declaration of emotional independence” will inexorably pick up your spirits because “lucky opportunities” are all-ways right in front of you like the nose on your face.
7. THE SENSELESS PURSUIT OF PERFECTION WILL DRIVE YOU NUTS IN NO TIME AT ALL? “Why can’t I get it right?” … “I need your approval!” … “I’m invisible and unimportant to you!” “Why would anyone in their right mind like me when I dislike myself so much?” … “I’m bringing this on myself and always turning my shiny dreams into rust!” … “There I go again running myself down with a Mac truck of worry and negativity!” “I’m a perfect martyr” thinking … shoots your self-esteem in the head and pushes away people closest to you as punishment for your sins.
8. “MY WAY IS NOT THE ONLY WAY.” Your way is NOT the only way, thank God. Are you open to new solutions to old perplexing problems? “It’s my way or the highway!” is a set-up to make others feel controlled by your mood … and your mood controlled by no one in particular.
9. WHY FEEL INVISIBLE OR LIKE A WHOPPING FAILURE? “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done!” is a harshly judgmental guilt trip that constantly drains your battery of creative ideas and causes your engine to grind frustratingly. Failing at life isn’t possible when you keep trying to do the new when the old system is no longer working for you.
10. TAKE SOME STRESS OFF FROM YOUR SHOULDERS. “I know what to do but I don’t have the energy to do it!” isn’t true. Depressive thinking makes you dig a hole and jump right into it, discarding anyone’s help to throw you a rope ladder so you can climb out of that hole. You DO have the energy to do a few little things that prove that you’re not playing the victim violin.
THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT A DOWNER MOOD?
E-types suffer from dysphoria, states of depression and anxious moods far more consciously than I-types do. I-types keep busy being busy to avoid their feelings and to focus on the positive. Don’t believe for a second that there’s nothing you can do about a down mood. It’s just not true! In fact, there’s nothing you can’t do! Don’t let depressive thinking “brainwash” your mind and “drain” your emotional declaration of independence called “I CAN TOO…!” Heck, even God’s moody…God love us!
WHO BETTER THAN YOU TO TREAT YOURSELF TO A LITTLE CARING WHEN YOU’RE CRYING INSIDE?
The tar baby of depression makes you feel stuck fast in the lie that you can’t do anything effective to feel a little better today in caring ways. Depression numbs your positive feelings…so remember although feeling bad is not your fault … you are still response-able to take little steps in the faith that feeling what you do has something loud to say about your courageous character. So go ahead and improve yourself a little every day. A little bit of goodness and caring treatment … by you and for you … can and will carry you forward when you feel stuck in a depression.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” a book whose simple purchase for yourself can be the first great thing you do for yourself on this journey out of depression and depressive thinking.