When I was in Madrid on my honeymoon some decades ago, my new bride and I had ringside seats as we viewed a “real” bullfight. The bulls came into the ring all pumped up and proud, strutting and stomping and looking strong and powerful…for a little while. Then their neck muscles were cut to weaken them, as the Matadors colorfully glided in, and the bloody “fight” would begin. Little by little as little cuts added up, the bull lost the energy to fight and the will to live. Today, it reminds me of how sensitive guys and gals sometimes feel like the “bull” and the “more insensitive” partner is the “Matador” who has the advantage.
THE LOVE FIESTA
So if you’re a sensitive guy, how are supposed to get your point across to the woman in your life without finding yourself in the middle of a an unfair fight? We all know that shutting up, shutting down, acting like a clown, feeling down but acting proud or allowing your partner to be the dark cloud that rains on your love fiesta is preposterous. BUT being the mighty bull in the small bullfight ring is not a very good or smart thing for your emotional and physical health, either.
BUT HOW DO I GET ACROSS TO HER…INSTEAD OF SLING BULL AROUND?
Most of the good guys I work with as a personal relationship communications coach really DO want to communicate effectively with their lovers and partners. The problem: We guys don’t see the logic in any talks that end up in a big brawl. We don’t like having our luggage packed, sitting out on the doorstep. We don’t like guilt trips, turned backs and frowns that make our skin crawl. No bull: If my talking hurts my partner so much, we’re not stupid and I get this message: “Don’t bother talking to your partner and telling him/her what you really think and feel, because you are going to become the bull against the bullfighter and you, guy, are bound to lose!”
TALK TO HER USING THE “TALK TO ME” COMMUNICATION SYSTEM
Good talk is a combination of faith and reason…emotions and logic…exploring and staying focused…communicating effectively and positively using my pretty-darn-easy-to-learn communication system in my book “Talk to Me.” Hey, gals…do you really want to hear what your guy thinks and feels? Oh, really? Then when you and your man use the TTM communication system, what is required of the TWO of you?
- Good talking requires you to have faith that your partner will listen
- Positive talking requires trust that your true words won’t be filtered or distorted by a moody partner
- Effective communication requires faith that the co-communicator will be changed by what s/he hears
- Open talks requires that a rational discussion can ensure without “anger attacks”
- Two-way talks require that getting MY point of view across is LESS important than understanding YOUR viewpoint
- Clear communication channels require that emotional bullying of a partner is not tolerated
So…do you have what it takes to have two-way talks? I bet you do. Having repeated emotional fights cuts love to the bone … since it drives you and your lover to a town called Alone Nowhere.
FOR GUYS ONLY: USING A POSITIVE TALK ATTITUDE IN THE BULLRING
Loads of guys are sensitive…too sensitive for their own good because they try too hard not to hurt anyone’s feelings! Hey, you Empathizer-type guys (and gals), here’s a quick list of how to talk positively with your partner who may be an Instigator-type communicator. You can turn off the negative talking that is SO rampant nowadays and complained about on all the “shout-talk shows”:
1. ‘FEAR NOT’ BEING DISAPPROVED OF. Stop being intimidated by your co-talker when s/he comes across strong emotionally to get his/her way at the expense of good communication.
2. MAKE YOURSELF TEARPROOF. Tears are just healing water. Don’t shut up when your partner cries because s/he is probably mostly mad at you, anyway.
3. FEELING PILED ON? Don’t “dumb down” and “act passive” like you don’t care (when you really do) simply to avoid discussing provocative ideas.
4. AVOIDING CONFLICT CAUSES CONFLICT. Yes, you’re mega-tough and don’t need much to get along if the costs are too high. I know you can go without, and often do. But “stuffing feelings” will make you a packhorse instead of a person.
5. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, WITHOUT BEING MEAN. Difficult to do I know, because your partner is awfully good at making you feel guilty, allegedly because you’re “talking down to me and being pretty mean.”
6. GROW DOWN. You and your partner are never “done” listening or so “grown up” that you can stop thinking and start lecturing.
7. BEING RIGHT IS WRONG. Being rigid about who’s right and who’s wrong (the blame game) is wrong for emotional closeness and lasting love and works that last a lifetime.
8. RECOGNIZE WHEN YOUR CLOSED-DOWN TALKING STYLE IS THE PROBLEM. “It’s not always about you…sweetheart!” You can’t solve problems or improve a situation when everyone gets a bad attitude from good talks.
9. STOP TRYING SO HARD TO CHANGE YOUR TALK COHORT. Let go of trying to make a co-communicator “see and hear” what you have to say. Instead, focus on changing (opening) your mind about what you’re willing to take in the relationship.
10. REDIRECT WHEN YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE OR INTERRUPT. Have one of your goals not to raise your voice or interrupt. Also when your partner gets loud, say: “I can listen better to what you’re saying if you don’t interrupt or talk too loud.”
Well, you may ask, “What’s the point of doing what works. It takes so much time and discipline and it’s hard for me to be so emotionally controlled?!” Well, it sure beats the alternative of relationship failure.
BULLS LOSE IN BULLFIGHTS
As I recall of that bloody night in Madrid, no bull left the ring alive. All were dragged out of the ring by a rope and a horse. Sure, I felt a little better about the ordeal when I learned that the meat is donated to hungry children, but I had to walk miles back to the hotel to “cool down” from that night when it rained blood. Tragically, unfair, bad-talk, bad-habit fights in your relationship are the same way, guys and gals. If you don’t use positive talk tools…you will not come out of the battle alive…no matter how strong and proud you are.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is definitely pleased that he specialized in communications psychology instead of bullfighting, because life has been much more pleasant because of his career choice three decades ago. He’s the founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton and author of “Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” Bravo!