I love that 1983 oldies song “When A Man Loves A Woman” because it exhorts us to keep our minds focused on passion-filled, rewarding couple talk. And why not? Couples of any type are wise to set good talk habits into motion in a new relationship. Asking open-ended questions, listening to the honest answers, and asking a further elaborating question are all good habits. So is talking any time the mood strikes or the couple mood is struck down.
40 QUESTIONS TO GUIDE GOOD COUPLE TALK
So what are good questions to ask when two people are in love…and want to remain that way? Here are fine examples of open-ended talk questions based on the talk system you will find in my book, TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. Consider this “A Beginner’s Guide To Good Couple Talk.”
1. Do you feel totally free to tell me what you think and feel? Why, or why not?
2. Why do you chose NOT to talk to me, sometimes. Are you afraid to say what you truly think and feel?
3. What ideas or opinions do you feel are inappropriate to share with me, in your mind.
4. Are you afraid of hurting my feelings? How do I react when you hurt my feelings? Do I act like I really don’t want to hear any negative feedback?
5. If telling me the truth leads to some negative consequences, are you still commited to telling me the truth? Would the truth honestly be worth sharing then?
6. What emotions are you most afraid to share with me? Are there any emotions that are off-limits to discussion?
7. What price are you willing to pay for us to get along? Must we always get along and “go along to get along?”
8. What’s the biggest “risk” to you of talking openly, honestly and transparently? What’s the downside? Do you purposefully measure out what to say so I won’t get upset?
9. Do you think I’m a good listener? Why, or why not? Is it best not to say anything, if you don’t have anything nice to say?
10. How do I subtly try to shut you down when you try to talk to me? What topics make me anxious and reactive? How could I respond more authentically to you?
11. Do I have a positive talk attitude, namely, does it seem like anytime is a good time to talk to me? Or do I put you off until later…and later never comes?
12. If I become upset easily when you talk to me, do you back off and stop talking? What topics are forbidden?
13. Do you feel free to speak in an uncensored fashion? To say embarrasing things or tell me thoughts or experiences that you feel ashamed of?
14. Am I too sarcastic? Do I say things like, “Whatever you say, dear!” Or, “Why am I always in the wrong and you’re always right?!” Are these confidence slams or guilt bombs that stop an open dialogue and turn it into a monologue?
15. Do I tell you how to feel? Do I tell you that your feelings are bad, wrong, not the right size? How do I blow you off instead of bringing us together?
16. What worries are you withholding from me now?
17. What one thing stands in our way of having good, open talks…discussions that are totally honest, emotionally genuine, where vulnerabilities are aired and shared…”making talk” and “psychologically naked talking?”
18. What would you say to me IF you could say anything without reprisal or cutting criticism?
19. How do you feel picked on by me…and for what? What meta-message does it send to you to do or not do certain things?
20. What are you hiding from me due to fear of my disapproval?
21. Do you ever feel attacked by me, and how?
22. What idea do you think I hold of you in my mind about how good or bad a communicator you are? Are you careful of what you say because I am unpredictable and you don’t know what I’ll do?
23. Can we talk for the sake of talking instead of shut down and shut up when hurt feelings are running strong? Can we keep on being nurturing toward one another when we have a misunderstanding?
24. Do you ever feel like my mood is a smoking cannon that is ready to blow at any time? Do I handle my anger assertively?
25. Do you ever try to please me at the expense of our relationship? Do you tell me what I might want to hear because you are afraid of conflict?
26. What do you fear most about our getting into a heated conflict? Do we use fair fight rules? Do you feel you fight fair?
27. What do I make you feel guilty for, or about? What words do I use that guilt you? Do you feel free to challenge these guilt trips?
28. When would you not feel free to tell me what you think and feel? Is there a certain topic that you avoid talking about? Work? Extended family? Money? Sex? Worship? The kids, etc.?
29. Which do you fear most, my rejection and disapproval or my retribution and removal or withdrawing from you?
30. What would need to happen for us to talk better?
31. Do I put you down, dismiss or discount you by saying, “Why on earth would you say something like that?! You don’t really mean that!” Are there other talk put offs that I frequently use with you?
32. How can I invite deeper conversations with you? By saying what? Such as, “Would you tell me more about why you say that?”
33. Do I act like you have to agree with me? Can we disagree in a mature manner without anyone going off in an angry huff?
34. How can I encourage vs. discourage keeping our lines of communication open? Do we have open lines of communication?
35. Do I blame you for things beyond your control?
36. Am I supportive of achieving your personal dreams? Of friendships? Of personal growth and change?
37. Do I act like there’s something flawed about what you feel or think? Do I sound like a critical parent who says, “You shouldn’t feel or think that way. That’s not being very nice, now is it?”
38. What one thing could I change that would improve our communication skills?
39. What one thing could you change to improve our communication strategies?
40. What do we stand for as a couple? What is m/y/our idea of what makes a relationship succeed…and what makes a relationship fail?
A GUIDE TO GOOD TALK
On The Big Chill movie soundtrack, you will hear “When a man loves a woman…can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else.” So, set good habits in motion early in a relationship. Use the above questions as a “guide to good talk.” Take your time, build trust and openness as you go. Be aware when you are holding back your truth or disagreement from your partner.
Sure, answering these type of “deep questions” strikes terror into the bravest of hearts. But is it scarier than going through an unwanted divorce or breakup?
Dr. Dennis O’Grady offers his “Guide to Good Talk” as a way of helping couples of every mindset to talk more openly and honestly. Talking openly is an insurance policy that every couple can’t afford to be without. Dr. O’Grady’s book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” will show you how to talk like a pro in minutes to your partner…who will want to talk right back with you…NOW. Dr. O’Grady leads “live workshops” and gives keynote talks on customized topics for your organization or group to improve managerial and leadership communication, too. Over 100 positive communications articles by Dr. O’Grady are available at www.drogrady.com.