Manipulative unfair fights are a form of bad communication that wrecks good relationships. They’re like a tug-of-war of unkind words that makes partners mad and stand-offish. Couples who fail find themselves unmindfully and repeatedly using what doesn’t work, and they simultaneously don’t fix the small actions that net large rewards of goodwill and trust.
WHY USE POSITIVE ANGER TALK TOOLS?
Effective communication strategies fix what is broken…thereby loving couples do what works to feel the love again. Unfair fights are patterns of stale power plays that manipulatively paint the opposing partner as the “BAD and WRONG ONE,” thereby assigning and granting him/her the exclusive power to fix/change the perceived problem. Anger is a choice. You can use the positive anger talk tools below to spur changes that pay huge dividends.
SIGNPOSTS ON THE STREET CALLED “UNFAIR FIGHTS”
Here are SIGNPOSTS that you are speeding down the STREET OF “UNFAIR FIGHTS” and going in the wrong direction (where everyone will lose out on love).
1. HIGH FEAR. When fear is high, your love will take a hike as you use increasingly controlling words and actions in an escalating manner to get a grip on fear. THE FIX: Don’t talk tough and act mad when you are feeling scared.
2. CHANGE PRESSURE. Unfair fights are akin to having a nail in your tire, causing your communication car to swerve unpredictably on the road. THE FIX: Change is possible together if and when you choose to use positive talk tools.
3. INEFFECTIVENESS. When you keep doing what doesn’t work, your mood will swirl like dirty water down a sink drain. THE FIX: Remind yourself that “Although IT takes two to tango…sometimes IT only takes one person to get the couple untangled.”
4. CONFIDENCE SLAMS. Unfair fights zap your confidence, and they make you doubt yourself and your floundering communication skills. THE FIX: Refuse to use “guerilla talk tactics” and revenge paybacks such as “the silent treatment.” Both approaches tatter the confidence you clothe yourself in.
5. STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE. Power plays are manipulative “jive talking” patterns, compulsive bad habits that grow like weeds in the garden of your love. THE FIX: Stand back and then stop whatever you’re doing and saying that doesn’t work. Cease the lazy rationalizing that you or your partner are old dogs TOO set in your ways to make change happen today.
6. MOOD ERUPTIONS. Unfair fights pop the proverbial lid off the pot on the stove. And you know what happens next: water boils over and makes a mess of massive proportions. THE FIX: Take a half-day holiday from the dispute, and work elbow-to-elbow on a task together that shows teamwork.
7. REPEATING PAST PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS. Unfair fights cause an energy drain that fosters a distressing, dry and depressing relationship. THE FIX: Ask yourself, “Why am I giving myself and my partner such a tough and rough way to go…is this masochistic, or what?”
8. SCREAMIN’, CUSSIN’ AND CARRYIN’ ON. A hallmark of unfair fights is “dirty fighting,” where guilt bombs and “the kitchen sink is thrown in,” namely mean and nasty accusations and psychoanalytical critiques are hurled at your partner to get even and hurt him/her. THE FIX: Know that fussin’ and fumin’ don’t fix anything. Instead, they actually make the problem bigger and less solvable because poor communication becomes the problem.
9. THREATS OF ABANDONMENT. Sometimes, you’ll have the feeling that you or your partner have “one foot out the door,” and sometimes you’ll face the actual threat that “I can’t take it anymore and we should end this.” THE FIX: Speak positively, “I think we’re in a communication rut and need help from a communications coach who will referee this fight and teach us better communication moves.”
10. WEDGES AND LEDGES. Bad talk habits predictably drive a wedge between you and your partner and are akin to standing on a high ledge when high winds are blowing…you might get swept off and die in the Ungrand Canyon below. THE FIX: Answer to yourself, “Why am I doing and saying what further drives us apart? Am I afraid of being happy?”
11. NEGATIVE…NEGATIVE…NEGATIVE. Poor communication relays the negative message, “You can’t do anything right, fish guts for brains, because you’re SO negative!” THE FIX: Do something unexpectedly and purposfully positive. Do what you would like done unto you, give the word or action gift that your partner would like, without any expectation of receiving a positive response back. Almost impossible, but useful, when you’ve got nothing left to lose.
12. FEAR OF CONFLICT. Ironically and paradoxically, the fear of conflict is the leading creator of unhealthy conflict. THE FIX: Be wary of ass/u/me(ing) that your partner wants to win a fight at all costs and pay the price of losing out on love for all time.
BLAME THE PATTERN, NOT THE PERSON
When you are fearing abandonment and feeling super-scared, you are prone to keep doing more and more and MORE of what doesn’t work…until you don’t work with your partner and feel the relationship isn’t working or is “too much work” to continue. My advice: You can fix unfair fight patterns by “blaming the pattern, not the person.” To paraphrase a political campaign: “It’s the emotional economy and the unfair fight pattern, stupid!”
Unfair fights can be broken up and reordered at any step. All good couples quickly fall into bad communication patterns. Smart couples “change the channel” of shrill apartness when what they’re seeing, doing and hearing isn’t working. Always remind yourself, “It’s the pattern, stupid!”
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” Dennis is a workshop leader who has identified two types of communicator styles at work and home. Empathizer-type communicators tend to “stew” while Instigator communicators tend to “vent.” Both types need to use fair fight tools to navigate around talk accidents, and clean up their side of the two-way talk street to fix unfair fights…including stop giving one another “the silent treatment.”