The Failure To Communicate
OPEN DOORS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION
Recently a communications coaching client queried me about the failure to communicate. He wondered what he must do to ensure that his communication partner accurately interprets and comprehends the information he’s trying to convey. What is needed to open the door to good communication?
WHEN HAS A PERSON FAILED TO COMMUNICATE?
“When has a person failed to communicate?” Actually, we don’t fail to communicate, we communicate at many spoken and implied levels of conversation. In fact, this question reminds me of the scene in the movie Cool Hand Luke when the warden said to Paul Newman, “Boy, what we have here is a failure to communicate!”
THERE IS NO FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE
There is no failure to communicate. However, communication can be unproductive and not useful when we communicate far more than we intend. Your key intention is to communicate trust, so the better question would go something like this: “Was what I said…or what I failed to say…productive for building bridges of trust in this interaction or relationship?” If trust or good will is weakened, then unproductive communication has occurred. If trust or good listening is strengthened, then productive communication has taken place.
YOUR INTENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT IN GOOD COMMUNICATION
This question makes me think of how important our intentions are in good communication. In fact, we can say “My intent is to build bridges or trust here, so I want to listen very carefully to what you have to say, including your dissatisfactions and disagreements. My mind is open to doing new things which would work out better for us all.” …Or something similar, that puts your intention in the center of the communicator table.
The sincere desire to improve communication at all levels of this client’s company started at the top…with the esteemed leadership. Knowing this, I have no doubt that the company’s initiative will succeed. The rewards realized from the positive changes implemented will amaze everyone involved!
ABOUT EXECUTIVE COACH DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, effective leadership communications psychologist, enlightening keynote speaker, executive coach, and corporate trainer. He wrote the book on good communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at drogrady.com or Amazon. Dennis also enjoys leading Listen Up! corporate and hospital training programs on effective listening skills.
CAN I LEARN THE TALK TO ME SYSTEM ON MY OWN?
This practical relationship communication approach is published in the self-improvement book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone.” The system is educational — when you implement the communication strategies you learn, your goals will become easier to reach. Over half of our communications clients simply want results, and the increase in their outcome measures demonstrate that they are getting the results they set out to realize.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — August 31, 2007 @ 7:10 am
WHAT MAKES DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D., A GOOD COMMUNICATIONS COACH?
Dennis teaches that in the past, miscommunication was thought to be due to differences of personality or gender. Through clinically researching the effectiveness of his unique communication approach for 470 (and growing!) different relationship combinations, he disproved that theory. He prefers working with communications clients who want to help themselves, those who want to know how things work well and why. Focusing on results that are long-lasting, Dennis’s common-sense approach produces what one client described as, “the light bulb went on” effect. “Now I can see what I’m doing instead of banging into everything!”
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — August 31, 2007 @ 7:14 am
A LETTER TO ONE COMMUNICATIONS CLIENT WHO HAD HIS DEGREE FROM PU
Dear Jared,
I know you’re striving to be a positive person and communicator. Remember our discussions related to pessimism vs. realism vs. optimism? Would you plesae send me a copy of your doctoral diploma? It is the one that reads “Doctor of Self-Defeatism.” I believe you told me that you obtained your degree from Pessimism University…PU.
You also told me that your doctoral dissertation was entitled “DISMOTIVATION: How to dig a hole and throw yourself in it then hit yourself in the head with the very shovel that you used to dig the black pit AND make yourself feel bad for a very long time by dig your hole deeper and crying all the time.” I believe you when you said that you obtained a VERY good grade on your dissertation.
If you would…please send me a copy of your dissertation and PU diploma at your earliest convenience. Oh, I’m just joking here! You know what I mean?
Respectfully yours,
Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.
Professor of The Psychology of Self-Defeatism
Pessimism University…PU
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — August 31, 2007 @ 7:24 am
OPEN-MINDED LISTENING TIPS
I’ve been paid to listen as a communications psychologist for 30+ years, and I haven’t begun to scratch the surface of the science of effective listening. That being said, here are a few general strategies to help you listen with the combined strengths of E- and I-types:
1. CALM YOUR MIND DOWN. A busy mind running a mile a minute doesn’t have the capacity to really hear what’s on someone else’s mind.
Listening Tip: Think — “I’m going to turn my full attention to the speaker now and tune out everything else that’s begging for my consideration.”
2. FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION. You can’t do three things at once and do any of them well. Give your attention unsparingly to whom you are talking.
Listening Tip: Think — “I can do this listening-with-all-ears-open thing by tuning in only to the message of the speaker and by actively listening to what’s being said.”
3. DISRUPT DOUBTS. You can’t hear a diverging opinion if you are talking negatively to yourself about how the speaker is a misguided idiot.
Listening Tip: Think — “Here I go again, thinking that the speaker doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Enough of the Doubting Thomas stuff. Focus in and listen up!”
4. GO EASY. You will find that steps 1-3 won’t work for long before your mind is screaming to shut down and focus on its own self-oriented concerns, because you are a terribly busy and important person who has bigger and more pressing matters which need attention.
Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Easy does it. Now is not the time to be the harried rabbit, running for all you’re worth to win the race. Slow is better…slow down you mind and listen up! You’re doing pretty darned good so far.”
5. TALK POSITIVELY TO YOURSELF. Even talk gurus need occasional encouragement to remember to use positive self-talk when the noise on the talk airwaves is blaring.
Listening Tip: Think — “My listening skills are improving a little every day in every way. Take a deep breath and relax! This might be a good time to summarize and repeat what I think I heard the speaker say. Ready?!”
6. CHECK IT OUT. When words pour out, it’s good to slow things down by summarizing the main point of what your communication partner has said so far. Example: “I hear you saying that you feel less than satisfied with how things have been going thus far, but you have a suggestion about how to make things better in upcoming days.”
Listening Tip: Think — “It takes courage to verify what someone else is saying, especially when emotions are running high and the speaker isn’t happy. Way to go!”
7. BACK PAT. Your arm isn’t too short to give yourself a good pat on the back for trying to become a better listener.
Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Being a good listener automatically puts me in the spotlight, as I work hard to satisfy my customers and determine how I can progressively better serve them…important customers which include first, myself; secondly, with whomever I’m speaking; and thirdly, my spouse and children, who need to sound off sometimes. Keep up the good work of listening dude!”
SOUND OFF
Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators listen quite differently, the listening tips above work for both types of communicators. Since E-type speakers aren’t used to being heard–be prepared when you listen up! And since I-type speakers aren’t used to being in the passenger’s seat when communicating–be prepared to relax and take it easy once in a while. Relaxing, opening your mind, and going easy is what effective listening is all about.
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D.
Author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone”
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — August 31, 2007 @ 10:12 am