Alpha Moms’ Communication Style
Excellence in motherhood has again hit the newsstands! Have you heard of “Alpha Moms,” the new breed of multitasking trendsetters who are kid-centric, and who feel most relaxed while juggling lots of balls? Did you know that leading companies, such as Procter and Gamble, and big marketers alike are wagging their tails and drooling over them? Stay down now! “Alpha Moms” is the newest moniker created by Constance Van Flandern.
ALPHA MOMS–INSTIGATORS OF CHANGE?
Alpha Moms are instigators of change. But did you know that most Alpha Moms are also Instigator-type (I-type) communicators? Consider these comparisons:
1. MULTITASKING EXPERTS. An Alpha Mom is happiest multitasking. Instigator communicators like to save precious time to accomplish more, like talking on the phone while working on the computer.
Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are less comfortable asking for help when they run into a problem that can’t easily be solved.
2. PROGRESS-CENTRIC. An Alpha Mom is kid-centric and hands-on, whether or not she works outside the home. Instigator communicators are progress-centered, love to solve problems, and embrace change as a way of life.
Downside: Alpha Mom I-types can become very impatient and frustrated, when their plans don’t materialize fast enough.
3. TECH-SAVVY HAPPY. An Alpha Mom enjoys finding out how new techno-gadgets work, because she is power-centered and loves to command the center of attention. Instigator communicators are perceived as strong personality types by family and associates.
Downside: Alpha Mom I-types don’t do well with boredom and can be neglectful of their romantic partners’ needs.
4. ENJOYS DEBATING AND WINNING. An Alpha Mom talks confidently and easily wins debates, taking pride in being the first to achieve a goal. Instigator communicators are world class debaters and exceptionally strong-willed souls. They live by the rule: “If you aren’t going to lead, then get out of my way!”
Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are criticized for being too stubborn and covering up their insecurities, and going after points at the expense of a relationship to prove their self-worth.
5. INFLUENCERS. An Alpha Mom is an initiator and creator of social opinion, of what’s popular or ditzy. Instigator communicators believe in making listeners quickly come around to their viewpoint.
Downside: Alpha Mom I-types are criticized for listening with only a half-ear, and not including the opinions of the “quiet, meek and shy” around the Communicator Table.
6. CONFIDENT DECIDERS. An Alpha Mom makes up her mind, and thrives on sharing her view of what way is the right way to go. Instigator communicators believe there is a right way and a wrong way to drive down the two-way communication highway.
Downside: Alpha Mom I-types can be negatively perceived as one-way communicators who are control freaks, too pushy, self-centered, intriguing, complex women who loudly talk over others.
DO YOU PREFER TO BE AN INSTIGATOR OF CHANGE?
Bruce Horovitz’s USA Today article “Alpha Moms leap to top of trendsetters: Multitasking, tech-savvy women are expected to be next to watch.” (03/27/07) provides a concise thumbnail sketch of Alpha Moms. A fun quote by “Alpha Mom” moniker creater Van Flandern: “I’m at my Alpha-Mommy-est when I have the most balls in the air: It’s multitasking to the nth degree. It’s like training for the Olympics. Most of all, it’s fun.”
Likewise, you can read my list of the top 40 top traits of the Instigator communicator on page 97 of my book “Talk to Me.”
ARE YOU AN I-TYPE COMMUNICATOR WHO IS POWER-CENTERED, LIKES TO INFLUENCE; PREFERS TO BE AN INSTIGATOR OF CHANGE?
How to know if you are an Alpha Mom Instigator-type communicator? Well, generally speaking, you boldly push forward a parenting agenda, without ever taking negative feedback too personally. Still not sure? You can test your communicator type, and receive a free confidential report with no marketing strings attached, by going to “What’s Your Type?” at www.drogrady.com.
CHANGE AGENTS ARE SOCIAL LEADERS WHO IGNITE MARKETS
My communication leadership research has determined that most natural born leaders of both genders are Instigator-type communicators who love to lead and dominate in their chosen fields. Last but not least: My communication studies also find that an Alpha Mom Instigator communicator is more likely to be married to a “Beta Dad” who is an Empathizer-type communicator. Opposites do seem to attract, for better and worse.
ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER, RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. O’Grady’s leadership communication studies cited in his third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” indicate that an “Alpha Mom” is more likely to be married to a “Beta Dad” who is an Empathizer-type communicator. E-types are more comfortable with being behind-the-scenes workhorses, and prefer to follow strong leaders who are ethical and have a strong sense of integrity irregardless of gender. Empathizers have a strong distaste for hypocrisy, and their energy is drained by NegaTalkers. O’Grady works with companies, organizations and families who wish to be better communicators using his cutting edge communication system that makes change happen fast and last.
“Marketers go for those moms” p. 28 excerpt from USA Today Cover story article by Bruce Horovitz
A funny thing has happened along the way, however: The label Alpha Mom and the women it describes were embraced by the marketing world.
Among the first big marketers to chase Alpha Moms: video game company Nintendo, which is trying to expand its market beyond hard-core gamers.
Last fall, as it was about to roll out the cool Wii game console, Nintendo gathered small groups of trend-setting moms in eight cities to test it.
In Los Angeles, it treated 35 moms to an evening at the chic Chateau Marmont. Among those tapped was Linda Perry of Venice Beach, who has two kids, is a full-time legal assistant and leads a Yahoo parenting group that reaches 7,000 tech-savvy moms.
“I’m constantly using the computer to find information,” says Perry. “If I get an amazing facial, the whole world knows about it.”
Ka-ching. This is just the type of Alpha Mom that Nintendo wants to impress with its Wii, which uses motion-sensitive controllers to manipulate action on the TV screen. Nintendo went all out, setting up a room filled with fancy food, an open bar and Wii demos.
Perry went bonkers for Wii–so much so, she says, that more than 200 women in her e-mail group have bought the $250 console on her recommendations.
With the help of Alpha Moms, Wii became the nation’s top-selling game system in January.
“Alpha Moms are one of our key targets, because they have this high social-networking factor,” says Perrin Kaplan, Nintendo’s vice president of marketing. The company’s outreach to them, she says, “is not a fad — it’s permanent.”
Baby, you should drive my car
General Motors is getting hip to Alpha Moms, too — at least its Cadillac division is, and not by accident. Liz Vanzura, Cadillac’s new global marketing director, is a self-described Alpha Mom with three kids ages 4, 7 and 12. the brand recently started targeting Alpha Moms because Vanzura saw Cadillac missing out on a big growth opportunity.
While 75% of Cadillac buyers are male, 70% of car purchases are influenced by women, Vanzura says.
“We’re going after moms who wouldn’t be caught dead in a minivan,” she says. “These are Type A moms who hit one goal, then are off to the next.” Much like Vanzura.
A good chunk of Cadillac’s online ad campaign — at mycadillacstory.com — features Alpha Moms.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — March 30, 2007 @ 6:50 am
Dennis:
It’s like the “Supermom” of the 70s, and personally (having known some of these control-freak moms), they strike me as too wired for their own good and too wired for their kids. They’re demanding and regimented (everything must be planned, organized, scheduled, even play) when mostly what kids need/want is down time, time to play in the mud, time to think and dream and fingerpaint and write on the walls without getting yelled at.
Their agenda isn’t about marrying well…it’s about being in charge/control, especially over other people. I don’t know whether they do that so that they don’t have to think as much about themselves, but I never understood that kind of mentality. I figure you can’t be a good mom unless you know/pay attention to yourself first, and then just try to do the best you can…NOT try to juggle it all at once. All that juggling leads inevitably to dropped balls…yours, your kids, your partner’s, your job, whatever.
I’ll have to spend more time reading this, but that’s my instinctual gut reaction….Supermoms, Alpha Moms…whatever you call them, they’re a marketer’s dream, perhaps…but that doesn’t make them good moms, wives, friends, etc. And probably not the kind of women I’d want to hang out and have fun with!
Theresa
Comment by Theresa — March 30, 2007 @ 2:00 pm
I’ve been enjoying your writing about good communication tools to use at home and work. My husband and I have just agreed to, and written down, a set of communication rules to avoid a meltdown.
1. NO NAME CALLING
2. DON’T USE PUT DOWNS
3. ZERO THREATS
4. NO DIGGING UP THE PAST
5. AVOID LOUD VOICES
6. NO LEAVING WITHOUT SAYING WHERE YOU’RE GOING
7. DON’T RATCHET UP DISAGREEMENTS
8. NO EXTREMISM OR ABSOLUTES
9. STOP INVENTING MOTIVES
10. NO BUTTON PUSHING
No button pushing is our biggest challenge. We are both very strong willed and stubborn people when crossed. Thanks for helping us stop arguing, instead of trying to top one another.
Comment by Jenn — March 31, 2007 @ 10:24 am
I’m always curious about implied messages in sex role expectations or affirmations vs. negations. For example, the moniker “Alpha Dads” would probably be seen as offensive because it implies domination and control over women, but not the reverse. More about communicator type: 40% of all mothers/fathers should test as “Beta Moms/Dads” or Empathizer-type communicators while 60% of all mothers/fathers should test as “Alpha Dads/Moms” or Instigator-type communicators. But who’s counting?
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — April 1, 2007 @ 10:06 am
The “Alpha Mom” story in USA Today caught my eye because my reaction to the headline was “Good grief! Domineering women are being celebrated!” Having read the article, I obviously, came away with a different perspective. I’m fascinated by the marketing efforts directed at this group. I’m saddened by the expectations the moniker presents to young women.
I’ve spent years attempting to teach my own daughters and other young women in mentoring relationships that the big lie that women are sold is that “we can have it all, and do it all”. When we come to the realization that this isn’t quite true, we feel like failures. You CAN have the whole pie, you just can’t eat it all at once. You’ve got to enjoy the pie piece by piece, over time.
Super Moms, Soccer Moms…you’re right. They just keep being updated. Interesting that this one has such a technology focus.
Comment by Debra — April 2, 2007 @ 4:09 pm
this trend is not new at all, I am a Alpha mom from the seventies. Had three children went to college full time kept a clean and orderly home (including a husband of 36 years at present)was an active member of an ambulance (on call in the evenings,as a EMT) taught CPR,became a full time police officer,also did some nursing on the side,also shuffeling my kids back and forth to after school activities and doctors apts. I could go on and on. too much to put down now. But I raised three healthy, happy children that did well for themselves. and my husband and I are very proud of it..
Comment by Joyce — April 11, 2007 @ 12:25 pm
“‘Beta Moms’ drop the juggling act,” USA Today, Wednesday, May 9, cover page, Life Section, by Sharon Jayson.
There’s a backlash brewing among the Other Mothers. They, too, love their kids and want to raise them right.
But unlike the much-hyped Alpha Moms, whose desire to be The Perfect Mom sometimes leads them to excess in the name of excellence, the laid-back mothers are gaining ground.
“It’s a different version of the Mommy Wars,” says Sharon Hays, a sociology professor at the University of Southern California-Los Angeles.
The original Mommy Wars focused on the ideological battle between stay-at-home mothers and mothers in the workforce. This newest skirmish is more about personal parenting styles.
The so-called Alpha Mom is a marketing creating, the Super Mom of yesteryear with a few new twists. Alphas are educated, can-do types whose organizational skills bring a corporate mentality to their parenting and a technological ability to their problem-solving. These high achievers will often surf the Web and blogs for advice. They’ve also gotten plenty of media attention.
But sociologists, including Melinda Forthofer of the Institute for Families in Society at the University of South Carolina-Columbia, say there’s no evidence Alphas are actually better mothers.
And now an anti-Alpha movement is taking hold. Those moms have it together sometimes. They may forget to send back permission slips or lose track of their turn for team snacks. They don’t necessarily have the catchy name, though some call themselves Beta Moms or even Slacker Moms as they urge their peers to chill.
Some, including former CBS TV news anchor Rene Syler, have written books advising the Alphas to lighten up.
“Our children are people — not projects,” says Syler, 44, of Westchester County, N.Y. “Motherhood is not a contest.”
“We get to the finish line. It’s OK to chill out a little bit and let your kids be independent, and individuals, and revel in who they are,” says Syler, author of GOOD ENOUGH MOTHER: THE PERFECTLY IMPERFECT BOOK OF PARENTING.
Lee LeLeux, 46, former nurse in medical sales in Baton Rouge and a mother of three, says she can multitask with the best of them, but her mothering style is definitely relaxed.
“I’m more laid-back than many other mothers I see,” she says. “I see it as so controlling, and I see it in their anxiety. I guess they’re trying to protect their children from everything that’s out there. They won’t let their child go next door or down the street.”
LeLeux says she lets her 10-year-old son, Zach, and 7-year-old twin daughters, Hallye and Greer, ride their bicycles in their neighborhood to give them a sense of independence.
“While I may be looking at my watch, I’m not going to restrict them from taking that bike ride around the block.”
Expectations ‘through the roof’
Amy Nobile, 38, of Kentfield, Calif., co-author of I WAS A REALLY GOOD MOM BEFORE I HAD KIDS, says interviews with more than 100 mothers nationwide for the book found women are “really judging themselves very harshly.”
“We heard this over and over again. It didn’t matter what state, whether they were a stay-home or working mom and had one child or five,” says Nobile, the mother of two preschoolers.
“We grew up in a time that said: ‘You can do it all. The choices are great.’ What it did was put an incredible amount of pressure on us. Our expectations for ourselves are just through the roof.”
Psychologists say mothering styles are a product of social pressures interacting with a woman’s own personality, so that some can resist these cultural prescriptions while others accede to them.
“A woman’s personality doesn’t change when she becomes a mother. It just takes another form,” says Molly Walsh Donovan, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Georgetown University Medical School and an assistant professor of psychology at George Washington University in Washington, D.C.
“Women who are very high-achieving want to be high-achieving mothers. It can be a very good thing — and it can also put pressure on them.”
Daphne de Marneffe, a clinical psychologist from Corte Madera, Calif., says some people handle parental anxiety by becoming task-oriented.
“It’s hard to turn off that switch if you have been extremely competent at being super-successful,” she says. “Here you are confronted with this baby, and the road map is less clear.
“There’s an illusion that you can control who your child will become if you do all the right things, but that’s a problematic illusion because parenting is all about discovering who your child is and fostering their growth and development as an individual.”
Confidence grows with family
Ann Dunnewold, a counseling psychologist in Dallas, says she has heard all kinds of stories about how extreme parenting makes mothers feel as if they just don’t measure up. She tries to calm their fears in her book, EVEN JUNE CLEAVER WOULD FORGET THE JUICE BOX.
But some mothers grow more confident, especially after the first child.
“With my first one, I was very critical of myself and feeling like I needed to do everything right,” says Kathleen Falk, 35, a mother of two and a freelance graphic designer from St. Louis. “With my second, I’m much more laid back.
“It’s hard because if I’m around other Alpha Mothers I feel like I should be doing more to make things perfect. But sometimes I’m glad I’m not worried about some of the things they’re worried about.”
There’s no concensus on whether being an Alpha Mom is a goal or a curse, sociologist Forthofer says.
“Some feel it’s a label they would wear proudly, and others cringe at the idea of it,” she says.
Over the top?
Betsy Christian, 39, has a 6-year-old daughter, 4-year-old son and two stepdaughters, ages 18 and 20. A legislative public relations consultant from Austin, Christian counts herself as an Alpha Mom on the road to recovery.
“The first time I realized it was just way too out of control was when Kathryn, 6, was a year old and went to Mother’s Day Out for an hour once a week,” she says. “The kids were supposed to exchange valentines. I had some handmade paper, and I stayed up late at night making these valentines. I realized I was making handmade valentines for babies.”
Christian has been so annoyed at finding herself trying too hard (”I’m a good worker,” she says) that she started a parenting blog at http://www.valuewit.com to vent about her Alpha-learnings.
“I don’t set out to do it,” she says. “I find myself in the middle of it all the time. It’s wanting to do a good job. It’s about some type of performance review. I just need to throttle back a little from time to time.”
Katie Allison Granju, 39, an online producer for a television station in Knoxville, Tenn., is pregnant with her fourth child.
She says it’s easy for women to get caught up in wanting feedback on their parenting.
“We’re a very high-achieving generation of women, and we’re used to being able to do things in a quantifiable way on the job,” says Granju, author of LET THEM RUN WITH SCISSORS: HOW OVER-PARENTING HURTS CHILDREN, PARENTS AND SOCIETY, to be published by Soft Skull Press later this year.
“Every year, we get a performance review and see how other people think we’re doing. When you try to translate that to raising little human beings, it can be very frustrating.”
Although dads today are often full participants in parenting, Hays says ultimately, society tends to blame mothers for failed children.
And that, she says, raises the stakes even more.
“Mothers recognize this in the back of their minds. ‘What if I raise another Jeffrey Dahmer?’” she says.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — May 10, 2007 @ 10:27 am