Dr. Dennis O'Grady

As the rattled but glad Dad of three daughters (two of whom are now teenagers), I positively believe that there’s no more important project than “talking to your teen.” Why? The pressures for perfectionism today on our youth and families are perfectly insane! So “keep it simple” methods to talk effectively and with results to your teen are more important today than ever. If you don’t have a clue, I’ve solved the communication puzzle of parent-teen talks.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

“Don’t sass me!” or “You have a bad attitude!” is a clue that talks have narrowed into a one-way communicator highway. The secret to great communication with your teen is to know who you are talking to by communicator type. Since this is a “newsflash” that’s just come out in the “Talk to Me” communication system, you can bet your Tylenol that you are going to have fewer headaches as a parent when you use my powerful new talk tools. If you’re a disbeliever…just read on…because for the price of a good dinner for two, I can help you groom your teen for success if you use my talk system.

IS YOUR TEEN DIFFICULT TO TALK TO?

Most teenagers don’t have strong relationships with their parent until adulthood. Is your teen “difficult” to talk to or “closed-down and defensive” when you try to talk to him/her? Are you, as parents, being good role models for your teen(s) on how to be “positive and effective communicators…how to be the leaders of your own lives”? My talk tools do just that. Get this: Your teen is either an Empathizer-type communicator or an Instigator-type communicator! The majority of teens are Instigators. If you don’t know which communicator type you are, or your teen is, then you may be “barking up the wrong tree” with the type of parenting and discipline you are using. Get ready: What works with one type doesn’t work with the opposing type. And chances are that your kids are BOTH communicator types who prefer a parent of the same type who “understands me.”

IS YOUR TEEN AN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR?

Are you or your teen an Instigator communicator? How to know? Following is a checklist of typical talk habits of Instigator-type communicators…whether I-type adults or teens:

• Can dominate family “mood”
• Has strong personality types
• Uses logical and “rational” arguments
• Can disrespectfully “skin you alive with their sass”
• Exhibits great debate skills
• Talks back fearlessly to adults and peers
• When push comes to shove…will guilt trip parent to get what he/she wants
• Uses a loud voice…will scream and shout and cry and pout
• Loves to use power…can be the proverbial bull in the china closet of peers
• Has an “It’s not my fault!” mindset
• Enjoys “winning a point” at the expense of relationships
• Can be excellent at “negotiating” to resolve conflicts
• Responds best to brief punishments

If you don’t have time to do anything else, check out the connecting link “The I-Type Kid.”

IS YOUR TEEN AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR?

Are you or your teen an Empathizer communicator? How to know? Following is a checklist of typical talk habits of Empathizer-type communicators…whether E-type adults or teens:

• Can “read” and “follow” the family “mood”
• Judges self as “coming on too strong” when hardly being assertive
• Thinks of self as “too sensitive” … “too weak” or “a pushover”
• Operates from “emotions” … easily picks up negative emotions from others, as if by radar
• Acts “too nice” when should “talk back” to being pushed around
• Gives in quickly when debates heat up, even when in right
• Won’t talk back to adults or authorities unless encouraged to…keeps too much “bottled up”
• When push comes to shove…will feel “guilty” for being the cause of a problem
• Uses a quiet voice…will act “shy” … won’t use words but behaviors to show how he/she is feeling
• Loves to “include everyone” … no one “left out” …can be caught in peer power stampede
• Exhibits a “how can we solve this problem!” mindset
• Enjoys “winning a friend”
• Is excellent at “listening” during conflicts
• Responds best to brief rewards

If you don’t have time to do anything else, check out the connecting link “The E-Type Kid.”

TOOLS TO USE TO TALK WITH YOUR TEEN TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM

Talking to your teens isn’t magic. Yes, it does take energy and work to “walk in their shoes” and help them talk positively to themselves and others. Here’s a quick list to use to talk to your teen today:

1. Keep it simple…focus on teaching positive communication skills.

2. Focus on the point…talking to others effectively is far more important than grades.

3. Good communication skills aren’t taught in the schools or at your work.

4. Teach positive communication skills during your “family communication meetings.”

5. First work on yourself…do you know you and your partner’s or co-parent’s communicator type? If not, why not?

6. Buy a copy of “Talk to Me” and read the first chapter which teaches you how to “typecast your teen.” TTM is available only on this Web site.

7. Next learn the two communication modes your E- or I-type teen prefers to use. There are 38 “progressive” diagrams in TTM you can easily use.

8. Talk “using the language” your teen prefers because of his/her “communicator type.”

9. Use my communication system four minutes a day and “see” for yourself that it works wonders.

COMMUNICATOR COLLEGE

You’re not in the business of defending your teen. You’re not in the business of being chronically frustrated by your teen. You’re not in the business of ignoring the emotional complexities of teen life or “hoping they will just grow out of it.” You are in the business of guiding a teen into the world of talking like an adult, and knowing why and how they can get along with some people –but not get along with others. Now it’s up to you my dear parent. It’s not magic to “talk to your teen” today!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s almost-16 year old daughter Erin O’Grady helped edit this article. What does Erin think about talking to teens? “Dad…your information has helped me get through many tough peer and boyfriend situations already. Teens don’t feel like parents understand them…and parents don’t feel they can understand their teen…neither one feels that they can relate well which is really unfortunate. If you can’t have positive communication, parent to teen, then teenagers can take the assumption that anything can be taken for granted and that the opportunity to try things is always at hand such as sex…drugs…etc. But when a parent can talk to teens without going off on a lecture tangent…the teen will get the message that past mistakes a parent makes, don’t have to be repeated. The teen years are difficult but are extremely important building blocks…if a parent isn’t there to help set the foundation…you are looking at a no-win situation that is just bound to crumble. As a result, the teen goes back to square one as an adult…and no one wants that.”  Love ya’ Erin!