Talking To Irate People
Relational anger is “bristling energy” that bounces back-and-forth between people like a spark around gasoline…a whacked tennis ball…a sharp rock or a hot potato. Pushing an “It’s all your fault!” relationship agenda doesn’t work for anyone. Your anxiety naturally skyrockets when you are confronted by an irate person who’s on the prowl to blame someone at work or at home.
STAYING POSITIVE AND CALM WHEN TALKING TO AN IRATE PERSON
Following are some positive ways to stay calm while you talk with and listen to an irate person who is manipulatively seeking to get his/her way at the expense of the relationship:
- Identify what’s happening as an “anger explosion”
- Breathe deeply, take your time, calmly nurture yourself
- Know fear, and fear of anger, will be evoked in you
- Understand that emotional manipulation and guilt tripping is probably underway…there’s no need to react vs. respond
- Call up this truth: “Acting or talking mad doesn’t mean the speaker is really feeling mad!”
- “Listen off the person” vs. “tell the person off”
- Don’t give in just because you find an “anger eruption or explosion” is too intimidating for you to handle
- Nod your head, which says: “I’m doing my best to hear you AND I don’t agree with you!”
- Don’t throw resentment rocks back to defend yourself against attack
- Politely end the conversation with, “We’re not getting anywhere useful so we’d better end this for the time being.”
- Remind yourself that most all of us are working for a living for “the system” who doesn’t dare care about any of us…don’t make the person an “enemy”
- When in doubt, summarize the “facts of the matter” to find out if you’re on the same page
These, then, are self-talk communication tools you can use to stay calm when you find yourself in a conflict-mode or talk storm with an irate person who is venting a spleen on you. Sure, your anxiety will shoot up when you are in a conflict mode with a person who is red-faced, spitting buckets and sputtering insanities and sounding like they are blaming you for their problem(s).
There’s nothing to worry about. An “anger venter” is just one little “big, bad wolf” who can huff…and puff…and threaten to blow your self-esteem house down. BUT you’re built like a brick house, aren’t you!�
“It’s all your fault!” communication crashes that use anger in unhealthy ways to browbeat or manipulate others…are the biggest cause of mutiple car pile ups on the talk highway. Three of my favorite “use anger wisely or lose” tips are:
1. Acting or talking mad doesn’t mean the speaker is really feeling mad! They’ve learned being an actor who vents a spleen causes most people to back down and give in to anything.
2. And this pithy nugget, “LISTEN OFF THE PERSON” vs. “tell the person off.” That’s because typically the antagonist talks louder and has no shame, and has been rehearsing the “scene” in their mind for hours.
3. Remember to breathe and nod your head, which says: “I’m doing my best to hear you AND I DON’T AGREE with you!” You’re simply not agreeing to being compliant, complacent, cowered or cuckolded by an anger dunce.
Don’t you agree that irate customers or people you deal with who habitually blame others, and suffer from “human rage,” cut off your nose to spite their face?!
Comment by Coach Dennis — June 29, 2006 @ 5:56 am