Posts in category: POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Do you ever play a scratchy “worry record” that drones on and on — one that drives you bonkers? Who doesn’t? Obsessive negative thoughts are like a batch of bloodthirsty horse flies that dive bomb at your head…they are pesky, pestering and do a good job of disrupting your peace of mind. Can’t you do something about mood-deadening songs of worry that go ’round and ’round in your head? Yes, you CAN.

Why Worry? Nothing Bad’s Going To Happen Anyway
Hope is here if you are an intelligent person who, once in a while, gets dumb thoughts or old negative songs stuck in your head, songs that are of no use to you. Relax…why worry…nothing bad’s going to happen anyway!

Let’s find out if you can stop putting your happiness in a looping vise. Let’s say your mind is having difficulty setting aside a negative thought. First, know that you can change the channel…change the record…change the subject of your inner thought-talk. In fact, this is a great time to use CommTool#4: “Change…the damn record!”

Here we go…you are curling up in a ball and withdrawing in to your head by saying:

This is dumb! I can’t get these worries out of my head. As soon as I deal with one worry…another one is born. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I find stuff to worry about. BUT WHAT IF I can’t handle what might happen tomorrow? What then? What will I do…what will happen? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do the right thing? Why do I always feel like I’m doing something wrong? I can’t let go of these worries. I can’t get to sleep, now. I’m spinning my wheels. I’ve hit a wall. I’m stuck right now. I know what I should do, but I can’t do it. I can’t get it out of my head and just relax. Is what I’m doing really working? IT just pops into my head because I’m the perfect worrier. This is SO dumb!

YOUR INNER-TALK COMEBACK: “Here I go again upsetting and worrying myself because I have such a BIG MIND…no sweat…I’ll just change the damn subject!”

Give Up Your Worries

In over 100 blog entries and 172,000 words…I’ve used the word “damn” only twice…and for good reason. You have to be forceful with your inner criticizing and the kind of worrying that snowballs and avalanches your mood.

Be forceful with yourself when your thinking puts you on the defensive and isn’t working, and when your thoughts work against you and your self-esteem! Don’t “worry yourself to death” and put your happiness in a coffin while worry music you hate is still playing.

Talk Back to Yourself

So be the “communication comeback kid” when your mind can’t get something stuck in IT out that is going ’round and ’round to a place called Nowhere. Try this talk tool one more time:

When YOU hear yourself thinking/saying: “I’ve got something here to REALLY worry about! WHAT IF…”

Talk back positively to yourself by responding: “Change…the damn record!”

Zounds, Zonkers! Feel the difference?!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” and TALK TO ME at www.drogrady.com

There’s a hilarious hard-working comedian named Ron White who does a laughable routine in perfect Texan drawl about why “You Can’t Fix Stupid!” All the while, Mr. Tater Salad, part of the popular Blue Collar Comedy tour, smokes a big ole stogie and sips on what appears to be straight Scotch on-the-rocks. He’s not afraid to say what many of us are thinking.

Tongue-in-cheek straight talkers like Ron White tell IT like IT is. How “good looks” aren’t as important as “smart brains.” Mr. Tater Salad hilariously explains how you and I can fix blabby stomachs, facial wrinkles and other prized body parts due to gravity BUT…”You can’t fix stupid!”

Another wise-acting southerner, Forrest Gump, was taught by his mama to reply to the taunting “Boy…are you crazy or just plain stupid!” with this similar pithy comeback. He would say, “My mama always said…STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!” Psychologist Translation: “Some people who think they’re awfully smart sure act awfully dumb, sometimes.”

My personal definition of stupid: “To be caring…to speak honestly…to show caring…to communicate openly about personal matters…including sex and money.” After all, we all travel together on the two-way communicator highway. Thus, emotional intelligence, or having compassion when those around you are behaving in unfeeling ways…is true grit, an act of grace, of wit and sensibility and shows personal maturity.

Are you talking openly and honestly with your life partner about money, sex, politics, good grief, communication, etc. in order to show caring and feel cared for? You can fix “stupid” communication darned fast…IF and when you use new communication tools.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady believes “You Can Fix Stupid!” And if you want to, you CAN be a brilliant communicator by using his “Talk to Me” new theory of communication.

You hear yourself moan: “IT’S not fair!”
You respond sensibly: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Often, when you feel sorry for yourself, you shut down by using the negative thought: “BUT that’s not fair!” Or, “That’s not the way IT’s supposed to be/go!” Oh man, do we have the capacity to feel sorry for ourselves and slide down into a pit of despondency, or what?

Why Does “IT” Always Happen To Me?

Hope is here when you feel primed to feel sorry for yourself. You can talk caringly and realistically to yourself while recognizing…not running from…a disappointment.

Let’s say your energy is tapped and your mood zapped. You hear your inner voice grinding out, “Why does this always happen to me? Life’s NOT Fair!” This is a great time to use CommTool #3: “‘It’s NOT fair!'” is supremely fair!” Let’s see if you agree.

Here we go…you are downing yourself by saying:

My life’s not working. I feel bad, shut down, closed in. God, what’s happening to me? I’m moody but it’s just not fair. Not fair at all! Why should I try so hard to be positive when life and people keep on letting me down? Why even bother? Throughout life I’ve been a giver, and people take me as a sucker. Takers are happy…while givers are glum. Yeah, I know feelings aren’t necessarily facts or reality BUT I feel like such a loser…a big, fat, lame, zero. Why does this always have to happen to me? IT’s NOT fair!

YOUR INNER-TALK RESPONSE: “Life is supremely fair…the FAIR comes once a year!”

Do you feel as if you’re rolling the rock up the hill by your nose, only for the boulder-of-a-rock to come rolling and thundering right back over you squashing you flat as a pancake. Sometimes, people just feel like giving up. “Why should I even try?” is GIVEUPITIS of the worst kind.

Maybe something different will happen when you challenge your negative thinking while respecting your right to feel as bad as a good person does. After all, you are getting ready to “give up ‘giving up!’ ”

Self-talk NOW: One more time…“IT’s NOT fair! Says who?…Houdini or me? I think life is supremely fair. I know for a fact that the FAIR comes around to my county in the summer…every single year. I don’t think I’ll wait that long to put my life back on track. Part of life’s magic is to decide to be positive when I’m feeling completely negative!”

“Life’s NOT supposed to be fair…so you had better get used to it, son!” won’t work for you, me or those you love. That “suck it up” well-meaning response has the effect of adding misery to my already plentifully miserable life.

Talk Back to Yourself

So be the “comeback kid” when you life stinks to high heaven like garbage. SO…when you once more hear yourself talking illogically that “IT’S not fair!” try this:

When YOU hear yourself thinking/saying: “IT’S not fair!”

Talk back positively to yourself by responding: “You’re right (insert your name here)…It’s NOT fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Whooooooa, Nelly! Feel the difference?!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” and TALK TO ME at www.drogrady.com

You’re Born To Win

I am getting ready to run a coffee-cup motto contest that includes the best sayings you can muster about change mastery. Would you like to win a cash prize?

The wittiest quotable quotes will be emblazoned upon coffee mugs to pump up y/our mind(s) with daring ideas that will take flight on the wings of positive action…and a little caffeine. This way, you and I can “Have a New Day…Happy or Not!” every day of this challenging year of change that is ahead of us.

Here are a few pithy sayings about change to get your engine started and raring to go:

1. Change…For a Change
2. Change: Give IT a Chance
3. The Only Person You Can Change Is Yourself
4. The Grass Is Always Greener On The Side of the Fence You Take Care Of
5. Change Happens!
6. If Something Is Worth Doing, It’s Worth Doing Imperfectly
7. Put OFF Procrastinating
8. I Reserve the Right to Drive Myself Crazy
9. Give Change a Chance
10. Give Up ‘Giving Up’
11. A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Misplace
12. T.G.I.T.: Thank God It’s Today
13. Go the Extra (S)mile
14. Keep Your Nose to the Grinstone
15. Why Can’t People Be More Like Dogs?
16. Communication is Everything
17. Change…the damn record
18. CHANGE IT
    

Now it’s your turn. Come up with a pithy statement that opens the mind and heart of everyone to change.

And send me your ideas to change@drogrady.com. The contest is coming to a computer screen near you soon!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone at www.drogrady.com

Child says: “IT’S not fair!”
Parent responds: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

I am often at a loss for words when one of my young daughters forcefully exclaims: “IT’S not fair dad!” Other variations to this tune that make me cringe are: “That’s not fair!” or “That’s not VERY fair!” or “How would that make you feel?” After all, saying “Life isn’t fair!” is akin to saying “Fish need water.” It doesn’t add anything useful to the dialogue at all.

Sad to say, I’m not a child psychologist. I work with adults and teens. In my childhood past, the parental comeback shot at me by my well-meaning parents when I was a kid experiencing the same consternation or disappointment was: “Life isn’t fair, Denny!” Or, “Who said life is supposed to be fair? It’s not!” Most disheartening was: “Life’s NOT supposed to be fair…so you had better get used to it son!” Those well-meaning parent-responses had the effect of adding to my frustration and dismay.

When I repeat the same negative retort “Who said life is supposed to be fair?!” to my kids nothing much different happens. “Life’s not supposed to be fair!” didn’t work for me and it won’t work for my girls. There’s a better way. Why not break from the past…break past chains…break free and say something entirely new that is useful while respecting the emotions of the griper and groaner? Empathy works better than sarcastic exasperation on most days, doesn’t it?

I have been experimenting with a thought-provoking comeback that has proven helpful in the trenches. SO…when you once more hear from anyone (including yourself) that “IT’S not fair!” try this:

Child says: “IT’S not fair!”

Parent responds: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Don’t get me wrong. Said with sincerity, the distraught child will stop in their tracks and think about IT for a change. What’s encouraged is empathy for the disappointment, encouragement that the child still has options and that staying frustrated is a choice, recognition that all of us must work through our disappointments without going nuts or making matters worse than they already are. One life skill that our kids need to know is how to handle discouragement without giving up…to get on with options that might bring renewed satisfaction.

WWhoa! Feel the difference. One more time…this time dedicated to your child-self. In your skull talk, do you say “It’s just not fair?!” Here’s the new transaction to try on for size the next time you hear yourself lament: “Life isn’t fair…Life isn’t treating me the way I expect it to!”

Disappointed child-self says: “IT’S not fair!”

Understanding adult-self says: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Thanks go to one of my communication who shared those pearls of wisdom with me. They seem to be working pretty darn well in my family!

“Life’s NOT fair!” isn’t a fair retort. You may not have the body of a nude Brittany Spears or the financial wealth-building skills of pirate Orlando Bloom…BUT you do get better every single day by being the one and only you. And that FAIR comes every day of your life!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” and TALK TO ME at www.drogrady.com