DR. PHIL – INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR?
An HR person, learning the TALK2ME leadership communication system, had this to say about Dr. Phil, whom I admire a great deal…
Dr. Phil is an Instigator. He is a terrible Empathizer. When he plays the Empathizer role, he appears very uncomfortable. If Dr. Phil knew he was an Instigator communicator, it would bother him greatly. He enjoys helping others by lashing into them with the cold hard truth…square between the eyes. He loves to debate with his words, not with his actions or ears. He is always right and seldom lets the person get away with negatalking. To him, this interaction is not a personality contest. In fact, he could care less if you walk away hating him, so long as he was able to convince you to change.
I wrote back to HR…
I had never thought about whether or not Dr. Phil is an Instigator. But your pithy analysis is right on. Why would it bother Dr. Phil if he knew he was a tough charging Instigator? Did you mean to say that it would not bother him?
Back came this reply…
Dr. O –
You had it correct the first time. If Dr. Phil learned that he was an Instigator, it would not serve him well. Let me explain.
In the business world, we all have a role to play, one in which we would like others to see us. That role then helps our careers.
For Dr. Phil, his fame and fortune depend on his ability to make others believe that he is relationship-focused, caring, nurturing, understanding, an expert listener, doesn’t rush to judgment, and considers all angles before telling someone what to do.
The characteristics I described above are not Dr. Phil. They are those traits of a positive Empathizer (E-type) communicator. Now, true, either type can come off positive or negative depending on the situation.
Think about it then tell me what would happen to Dr. Phil’s career if he or his program participants learned that the real Dr. Phil is all about fame and fortune. The reality is that he is a hard driver, about winning and losing, not how you play the game. He is insensitive to others’ feelings; he is inflexible and unrelentless; he will sell out a relationship if he believes that is what it takes to achieve the desired results; he thinks Empathizers are touchy-feely, soft babies…too sensitive, too emotional, too relationship-focused…who will follow others just for the sake of following.
Dr. Phil is all about whether he can “change them or not on national TV,” which, of course, will increase TV ratings.
The reality is that, as his primary goal, he is not in this business to help others. His primary goal is to win — helping others is secondary. If I knew that about him, I would question whether or not I could trust him.
You dig, Dennis? Or am I way off base?
Now I was getting a little queasy with these hard-hitting observations from a fellow Instigator about his Instigator pal, Dr. Phil. Please don’t get the wrong idea. I admire Dr. Phil very much, and he is a fellow psychologist. He understands that 82% of all communication involves the silent conversations and instructions that we carry on with ourselves. And I can hardly imagine doing what he does while cameras are recording his every move! He truly makes “common sense psychology” and “positive relationship communication tools” come alive for us all.
My response…
Remarkably on point. That’s a view which shows you have a deep understanding of negative v. positive I-type motivations. And Dr. Phil has definitely adopted the positive E-type traits that will really connect with an audience…and the audiences are probably a majority of Empathizers. Enjoy your day….
The startling comeback…
Difference between Dr. Phil-Instigator positive and Dr. O’Grady-Empathizer positive:
Dr. Phil’s approach to helping others is making them feel uncomfortable about their actions in the hopes of driving change, at his pace.
Dr. O’Grady’s approach to helping others is accepting them as they are and making them feel comfortable about who they are, while helping them overcome their fears and issues at their pace.
Dr. P often uses negative reinforcement to point out one’s flaws
Dr. O often uses positive reinforcement so people are comfortable with their fears, giving them the ability to point out their own flaws, in time.
Dr. P (I+) is driven by results, success, being the center of attention, bragging and taking credit for his actions, winning, always being right, forcing people to change their ways in the hopes of driving change quickly. From this, he makes a bunch of money.
Dr. O (E+) is driven by helping others in need, behind the scenes, giving credit where credit is due, and serving his community to the best of his abilities. From this, he makes a reasonable amount of money.
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Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a family business communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio.