Troubled parent-teen communications are like trying to drive your car when the kids are fighting in the backseat. As you attempt to keep your eyes on the road and your mind on the tense conversation, you lose your cool and feel like a fool who has lost control. Plus, you’re mad that people aren’t following the rules you live by, and someone needs to be set straight. So do you smack a fellow passenger, or pull over and give him or her a piece of your mind, or quietly seethe inside.
ROAD SIGNS THAT THERE ARE NOT OPEN LANES OR LINES OF COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR TEEN
Poor parent-teen communication has certain off-ramp signs on the fast-moving two-way adult-teen communications highway. Some of these signs are obvious: talking with your kids about cell phone use, peer pressure, dating, driving, drug or alcohol use or sexual issues (including requiring a cell phone with a GPD tracking device) may pose problems:
1. Family arguments. The co-parents have yelling matches when differences of opinion occur.
2. An “I avoid controversy and relationship stress by going with the flow!” attitude. There is an “elephant in the room” that increasingly stinks as differences and healthy confrontation are avoided.
3. Or there is a constant battle between the parent and teen. Debates escalate while problem-solving takes a hike.
4. Each communicator scolds the other one for being a control freak. Interrupting, talking over, talking louder, and sounding like a broken record occur as a result of delivering the same lecture for the 1,000th time.
5. Mistrust and resentment. Emotionally feeling frustrated, hopeless and helpless after attempting “We’ve got to talk about it!” sessions. Not picking your battles carefully enough.
6. Broken promises. Positive change is promised but the promised results are not delivered upon on a constant basis.
7. Questions are reacted to as criticism. Attempts to talk feel like attacks, and talkers get mean and hit below the belt.
8. Logician magicians. Legalistic arguments and hair-splitting replace easy honesty.
9. An “I can’t talk to you!” dark cloud hangs over the home. “Take-away” discipline is done as the teen digs in his or her heels.
If you have to try really, really hard to talk, then chances are you can’t talk to your teen about major things without a battle that brings everyone down.
TALK TO YOUR TEEN
There are plenty of ways to talk rationally with your teen to teach problem-solving and decision-making skills. After all, instead of lecturing constantly, wouldn’t you instead prefer a teen who can find facts and make good decisions under pressure? So where to begin: First you must know if your teen is an Empathizer-type communicator who is afraid to speak up for fear of conflict, or an Instigator-type communicator who isn’t afraid to debate until the cows come home. Which type of teen are you talking to?
YOUR TEEN ISN’T CLUELESS, ARE YOU?
“There’s nothing effective I can do about it!” is nonsense. The reason teen talks are so difficult is because they often trigger YOUR unresolved issues from adolescence. When those issues/memories are triggered, you will activate the same tired lecture you were given as a teen that didn’t work very well for you, either. Being independent while remaining response-able in a family group isn’t for chickens.
LET’S TALK
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, communications psychologist and professional keynote speaker whose latest book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” His articles on positive and effective communication strategies are available for free at www.drogrady.com. He is the father of two teenage daughters, and one pre-teen, all of whom can make him careen on the communication highway as if driving on slippery ice in spite of his best efforts to keep his eyes on the road. In his personal experience, Dennis has learned that teens call upon all of us to improve our communication skills in spite of our feelings of frustration or helplessness, feelings that aren’t resolved by driving like a control-freak maniac.