Have you ever turned to someone (or has anyone ever turned toward you) and said, “We’ve GOT to talk!”
Those words can strike fear into the heart and mind of your communications partner by making him/her feel that the only reason to talk is to correct something he/she has done wrong.
That’s why it’s wise to first check the depth of the communications swimming hole before diving in, metaphorically speaking. You don’t want to jump in too deep to a shallow place because you could bend your mind or break your neck. And if you get in over your head, you could drown. Testing the waters first make sure that it’s OK to dive right in.
WE’VE GOT AN OPPORTUNITY TO TALK HERE
“We’ve got to talk!” implies that something BIG is wrong and it’s the fault of the receiver of this message. When you want to use effective talking to resolve issues and problem-solve, better messages to send are:
1. We don’t have to talk.
2. I respect your independence and appreciate your willingness to talk productively.
3. I choose to talk in constructive ways that lighten the stress load of my and your day.
4. We’ve got an opportunity to talk openly here that I don’t want to miss out on.
5. I will listen open-mindedly to you.
6. I won’t allow my emotions to make a great commotion!
7. I will disagree respectfully, but not hold back my true opinion from you due to intimidation.
8. If I am an Empathizer-type communicator, I won’t back down when the heat is on.
9. If I am an Instigator-type communicator, I will back off whenever being wrong is the right course of action to achieve a win-win solution.
10. I won’t hit you over the head with my duffel bag of resentments when you’re acting dense.
11. I won’t stand for you painting me red with your unhelpful anger.
12. I strive to be a rich communicator instead of a poor communicator.
13. I am response-able instead of blinded by revenge due to an “eye for an eye” old testament thinking.
14. I won’t blame my mood totally on YOU!
15. I will let go of what isn’t working and try new ways of talking that might work better.
CAN WE TALK? I KNOW YOU STRIVE TO BE A RICH COMMUNICATOR INSTEAD OF A POOR COMMUNICATOR
Your mood is too often dictated by poor communication in your relationship when you are starving for a little positive attention and enjoyment. Why keep your communicator car stuck in “park” gear, loudly revving your engine unproductively.
MOODY NEGATIVE THINKING VS. POSITIVE TALKING
Talking positively encourages a positive mood and opens up new avenues for change! I devote Chapter 5 in my third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” to the importance of sending positive e-mails, leaving positive voice mails and sharing accolades and good feelings with ALL travelers on your talk road. I realize that talking positively is often perceived as a “weakness” or a “cover up” for an ulterior agenda, such as getting on your good side or selling you something that you don’t want.
TESTING THE TALK WATERS
Sharing feelings, positive or negative, isn’t worth it if it hurts a valuable relationship or a person you value. By using a single communication tool, you too can test the talk waters as to the appropriateness of the talk: “IF I told you (fill in the blank)…would you be mad?” For example, “IF I told you that your smile makes my day … would you be mad?” That question makes the point that you don’t want to violate boundaries, but you don’t want to be intimidated by speaking in upbeat ways, either.
ENJOYING PEOPLE
Now take this wrong: Truly enjoying another person as you go about your day isn’t unusual…BUT telling the person openly and honestly (without strings attached) what you DO enjoy about him or her is still pretty atypical and off-limits. That’s because it might be misperceived as a “come-on.” The reason most often cited for keeping someone at arm’s length or acting stand-offish: “What trick have you got up your sleeve in this human-eat-human world that you are trying to take from me?” In my communicator world, when anyone arouses a good (pleasant) feeling in you, bully for you both!
Is there something wrong with feeling good in relation to another person…or are we just supposed to be human robots who are unfeeling automatons?
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PROFESSIONAL KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady likes to think of himself as the AAA tow-truck driver, the guy who arrives on the scene just in time to help everyone on the Communications Highway make the necessary repairs – sometimes small, sometimes huge – that get everyone going again. He’s author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.” His company, New Insights Communication, is located in the cradle of inventiveness…Dayton, Ohio, USA.