I’m happy to be the proud dad of three sassy daughters, so I don’t mind telling you that I am not a “mad dad” on Father’s Day, nor do I have an ax to grind about “deadbeat dads,” “hostile fathers,” “disappearing dads,” “workaholic dads” or other dramatic topics that sell stuff. Although family anger issues have intrigued me as a family psychologist, and since I love being a dad, I practice first to try to understand instead of condemning or haranguing men who are truly “bad dads.”
Why is a bad or mad dad such bad news? What is a fair and balanced view of “key characteristics that make up the personality of a mad, bad dad?” A mad or bad father can be defined as demeaning, mean-spirited, hatefully prejudiced, a religious fruitcake, a guy who is scary because he goes to extremes and writes people off whenever anyone has the nerve to challenge his bullying or call his bluff on being a bully.
SO Tell me…What Is A Mad Dad??
A “mad dad” freaks out whenever a flood of painful emotions threatens to break through his dam of control. Here is why a “mad dad” or “bad dad” can be such bad news to you and me:
- “Don’t make your Dad, mad!” family aura dominates house. Family members all walk on eggshells around a mad dad.
- Dad doesn’t want to know what’s really going on. Caring is absent and compassion is dead in a mad dad.
- Won’t take any responsibility for poor communication. A mad dad miscommunications ripple out to all family members causing “foggy confusion mixed with desperation.” No good comes from trying to talk to him.
- Dad lives in his own world. A mad dad’s mushrooming magical thinking: “If you don’t think about an issue…all is NORMAL and there’s no red elephant in the room!”
- Dad uses guerilla talk attacks when challenged or corrected. A mad dad will bite your head off when questioned, and cannot/won’t change what he doesn’t take responsibility for.
- Wife/mom is ineffective reeling in the bad dad. Dad rarely has an open mind, never changes his mind, listens or learns since he is a perfect know-it-all.
- Dad is a total control freak. A bad dad is a people user who doesn’t realize the truth of the maxim, “The harder you try to control…the behinder you get!” in your close relationships and personal growth.
- Hatefully prejudiced. A mad dad loves to hate…condemns, ridicules, makes hate, mocks, shames, castigates, humiliates, criticizes and patronizes, denigrates, judges everyone who disagrees as not O.K.
- Is a piece of work who won’t work on himself. A mad dad doesn’t work on himself or his communication skills but instead spreads his problems evenly around the family ground.
- Writes people off. A mad dad punishes without guilt or remorse: “If you don’t do what I tell you to do you’re dead to me and I’ll write you out of my will!”
- Religious fruitcake. A mad dad can even use Protestant, Catholic or Jewish belief systems to prove that “God is on my side, and the Devil is on yours.”
- Suffers from extremism. A mad dad doesn’t do a middle ground but uses “I’m right because you’re wrong!” Or, “Do what I tell you to do and your life will be good and my favor will shine upon you!” Or, “Might makes right and I am mighty!”
Sadly, many of us are mad at a mad dad, too. So we try to talk…but talk wars don’t change minds. Bad dads are likable and dangerous because one bite from a small snake yields a deadly poison. And don’t take me wrong, the above list of chilling traits can fit many women as well. That’s the point!
On Father’s Day, I’m glad to be a dad. Sure, I get mad but I don’t make it a bad habit. In contrast, a mad dad is a bad communicator who, in blaming others, cannot change himself. Thus, trying too hard to please a mad dad who won’t be pleased, will put your happiness in a coffin and bury your talents.
In the meantime, go on easy and let go of the guilt, especially if you know a “mad dad or grandpa” who deals with feeling emotionally overwhelmed and out of control by attacking others. Always remember this change maxim: “The more I/you/we TRY to CONTROL…the behinder we all get!” in all of our prized relationships every single day of the year.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the curious father of three daughters, who provides anger management skills to fathers and other family members and company leaders who want to communicate more effectively in positive ways that solve problems. Dennis works to break the chain of a controlling parent who dominates the mood of an entire family, and thus creates a chain of bad communication passed down through subsequent generations.