Who’s To Blame For Miscommunication?
ARE YOU WIRED TO TAKE ON BLAME?
Who’s to blame for miscommunication patterns? Empathizer (E-type) communicators are interpersonally wired to take on blame and search for reasons why they have or haven’t done something to negatively impact a relationship. Ergo, the muse, “You are too sensitive for your own good!” Instigator (I-type) communicators are interpersonally wired to avoid blame or to blame the situation as the problem. Hence, the belief, “It’s not my fault and feeling bad won’t accomplish anything good!” Conflict results when energy is focused on affixing blame instead of fixing the problem of faulty communication.
EMPATHIZER AND INSTIGATOR TALKERS IN CONFLICT
Confusing communication causes conflict. Empathizers keep secret how Instigators aren’t being helpful for fear of hurting their talk partners’ feelings. Nonetheless, an E-type talker in conflict with an I-type talker perceives and views these stances as unhelpful:
1. Playing the role of the noble victim. E-types don’t respect anyone who feigns a one-down position to grab the upper hand of power.
Confusing I-Type Message: “I’ve done a lot to try to make this relationship work, and this situation is very hard on me, too.”
(Implication: If anyone’s to blame, it’s obviously not me! I deserve some sympathy.)
2. Putting me in a situation where I feel pressured to play the role of a quasi-authority figure. E-types don’t like being cornered to make suggestions that will be rebutted and not used.
Confusing I-Type Message: “Then you tell me what to do! Lay out a very clear course for us to follow. Give me a plan. What would you like for me to do for you?”
(Implication: If you make the plan, then I can’t be held responsible if it fails.)
3. Stirring the pot by bringing drama into the situation. E-types like peace and quiet and feel distressed when their relationships are stressed.
Confusing I-Type Message: “When I try to be helpful, you get resentful. You’re over-reacting and getting too emotional. I don’t want to upset the apple cart or stir the pot, but I’m not going to put a big smile on a pile of stinky crap, either.”
(Implication: Whenever I play the part of a good guy or gal, you can’t help but see things my way.)
4. Creating issues to face or fear. E-types intensely dislike issues, created out of thin air, which make them feel vulnerable or fearful.
Confusing I-Type Message: I’m not making up this issue. This is a legitimate issue, and it really is a big deal whether you agree with me or not.
(Implication: This relationship is in serious trouble! Somehow, we must not be right for each other.)
5. Spinning their ideas around in my mind. E-types feel many things are their fault and are ultimately theirs to change.
Confusing I-Type Message: “If only you had _______(fill in the blank), or if you hadn’t ________ (fill in the blank), then things would have gone so much better. We wouldn’t be having these problems.”
(Implication: These problems are really your fault, not mine — even if I didn’t ask you to do, or not do, these things, you should have known! Didn’t you pass Mind Reading 101 in school?)
6. Making accusations like “Why don’t you care?” E-types pride themselves on being caring and compassionate people. This tends to make the E-type feel pressured to do what was asked, even when uncomfortable doing it, to demonstrate devotion…despite that doing so is taxing physically, emotionally, or financially.
Confusing I-Type Message: “If you do not ___________, (fill in the blank — usually something very difficult to do), then you must not really care about me.” (Or you’re not right for me, or this relationship is doomed, etc.)
(Implication: If this relationship doesn’t end up working out, then it’s going to be your fault because you didn’t — or you did — ___________ (whatever was asked to be done.).
7. Running away from feelings. E-types view I-types as prone to running away from solving emotional problems.
Confusing I-Type Message: “You don’t understand. I’m not cold or heartless because I’m in this for the long haul and I don’t drop out of sight when the going gets tough.
(Implication: If the E-type is in this for the long haul, s/he’d better be ready to do a lot of compromising…and endurance training.)
8. Switching talk lanes abruptly. The E-type communicator can point out that the I-type is actually exhibiting one of the above patterns, and that it’s not a good way to communicate and resolve problems, only to have the I-type very subtly and quickly change topics to bring up another issue that is blamed on the E-type.
Confusing I-Type Message: “I’m not being defensive. I’m just being logical and factual. You’re just taking this out of context again.”
(Implication: It’s actually somehow the E-type’s fault if the I-type exhibits these patterns, again putting the E-type on the defensive.)
When you understand how you’re viewed by your opposite communicator type, you have a greater ability to communicate clearly in ways that bring about change and which don’t sow discord and conflict.
ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the innovative researcher and teacher of the Talk to Me© innovative communication system. You can obtain Dr. O’Grady’s self-empowering textbook of results-driven communication strategies, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, at drogrady.com or Amazon. Dennis provides relationship communication coaching, corporate training and event keynotes on effective relationship communication, using his powerful model of adopting the strengths of Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators.
I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY, WHEN WE GET CLOSE, YOU BACK UP?
In the neighborhood of positive and effective communication, relationship trust lives right next door to relationship honesty. Justifying why you can’t trust, can’t be close and can’t be honest with your romantic partner gets old fast. But if everyone is after emotional intimacy, then why is interpersonal closeness as rare as sighting a dragon flying across the sky? When people try to get close to you, do you breathe fire? Do you back up and speed off in the opposite direction?
THE TRUTH ABOUT THE CHALLENGES OF RELATIONSHIP CLOSENESS
Relationship rules aren’t made to be broken. Honest and open communication is required if you are to be seen and heard and responded to as the proactive person you are. Here are some psychological truths about roadblocks that may stand in your way of risking relationship closeness:
1. I have difficulty trusting others with my true thoughts and feelings. Effective communication means you bare your emotional soul and expose your vulnerabilities to the light of day with your partner.
2. Honestly, I fear being seen as “too different.” Effective communication means you are true to yourself, even though you want to fit in and want approval from your social group and family.
3. I don’t want to make a mistake or repeat past mistakes. Effective communicators break from the rules of the past when they’re no longer working, especially when parents weren’t emotionally expressive or open with their children.
4. I know rules are made to be broken. Effective communicators don’t tell white lies of any size, especially when personal change is required.
5. I feel too pressured to relax. Effective communication doesn’t mean you are beaten down by internal or external pressures to “put on a good face” and live a false life devoid of intimacy.
6. I need to be the best I can be and come in first. Effective communication means that there are “wieners and losers,” but real people also win by revealing personal truths, struggles, strengths as well as weaknesses.
7. I must get past the pain fast. Effective communicators courageously share their personal pains and triumphs equally, realizing that talking about the pain may intensify it. But it’s through the sharing of real pain and joy that the price tag of deep emotional intimacy is paid in full.
8. Everybody wants the bargain of the day. Effective communication isn’t supposed to have many shortcuts, because you get what you pay for. For instance, it is unfair to expect your partner to love you when you don’t love yourself.
9. No one else is like me. Effective communication reassures the speaker that he or she isn’t alone, an alien creature, shameful and dreadful because of blaming emotions that bring a mood down faster than trying to swim while clutching tight onto an anchor.
10. I wear my mask and let you see only what I want you to see. Effective communicators are psychologically naked, open and flowing with those with whom they seek to build trust.
11. I don’t want to risk being transparent. Effective communicators know they alone control the choice to open up and be seen as a real person with real feelings and needs, independent from all others in their interpersonal relationships.
I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED
You cannot be true to others unless you are true to yourself. You cannot be emotionally close to others unless you risk transparency. You cannot feel peace unless you risk battling with a war of emotions. You cannot be loved by others until you learn to love yourself when you have no logical reason whatsoever to do so.
ABOUT PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP COACH AND FAMILY CONFLICT COMMUNICATION EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Your personal relationships are groomed when you use positive and effective communication skills and tools. You can learn how to express yourself emotionally, in powerful and positive ways that build relationship bridges of intimacy, with those you care about and love. Emotional intimacy is one of the five types of intimacy, and can include friends, extended family members, adult children and even small children and grandchildren. How to go about it? Read the “let’s all talk” textbook that will change your communication viewpoint forever, called: “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” available at this site and on Amazon.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — September 21, 2007 @ 9:36 am