I know you try your very best to understand yourself and other people, especially when you experience a loss or breakdown of communication. Maybe it’s a couple communication breakdown, a family miscommunication or a crisis at work. Whatever the problem, it can act like a brush fire that burns out of control across the landscape of your mind, making your best-laid plans go up in flames.
A MISMATCHED COMMUNICATION STYLE CAUSES TALK CRASHES
Sometimes, your positive personality is all you’re left to hang on to. Truth be told, when insecurity and loss of control strikes, we all search mightily for the answer to the nagging question: “Why do bad things happen to good people like me?” Sometimes, the answers you come up with – rightly or wrongly – define the problem but can also defy the solution. Because in my experience, a mismatched communication style – not a personality issue – is often at the core of more communication problems.
WHAT CAUSES A PERSONALITY SPLINTERING?
A personality is a lot like a diamond. Although strong and beautiful, a diamond can “crack” under pressure into smaller diamonds. A personality is like a whole diamond: it communicates better when all parts are talking to one another. What kind of pressure might cause a whole-diamond personality to shatter?
EMOTIONAL HURRICANES
If you attribute the “cause” of a serious personal issue to biology, you will fix upon the solution of medication to fix the problem. Likewise, if you attribute the “cause” of a personality problem to “unresolved childhood trauma,” then you will opt for long-term psychotherapy or perhaps do nothing at all. What’s my point? The “guilty party” frame you put around a problem dictates what you will or won’t try to resolve it. That’s why I say take the guesswork out of personal or relationship problems by hiring a “neutral expert or coach” … one who won’t let his or her emotions get in the way while yours are blowing like a hurricane. And that’s always why I stay results-focused, namely: “If what you’re doing isn’t working, try doing something different for a change!”
NEW INSIGHTS POLL: WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF MOST PERSONALITY PROBLEMS?
Now the cause of your problems is not your mother, right?! I love the private polls at www.drogrady.com because they allow the voice of “normal people” like you and me to be heard. We aren’t trying to affect politics or policy or sharpen a knife to skewer others. We simply want to know what each other are “honestly” thinking and feeling. Here’s what my readers say are the “causes” of serious personality issues in rank order:
1. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA………45.16%
2. BAD PARENTING…………….25.81%
3. BIOLOGY……………………….22.58%
4. UNLUCKY……………………….03.23%
5. INTIMIDATORS………………03.23%
6. SPOILED………………………..00.00%
CAN A ZEBRA CHANGE ITS STRIPES?
Can people past 17 years of age really change their personalities? Can a zebra change its stripes or a leopard change its spots? Many people, including professionals, still mistakenly believe that “personality issues” are unchanging and thus untreatable. This line of thinking cedes so much power to the “personality” instead of “the person” in the person-ality, doesn’t it? (Personally, I was totally shocked, that no one in the survey chose “spoiling a child and sparing the rod” as a reason for personality problems, because my mind has been chronically media-sized about how badly spoiled kids and teens are nowadays. Another negative media madness myth bites the dust?)
THE BIG THREE: CHILDHOOD TRAUMA…BAD PARENTING…BIOLOGY IS 94% AT FAULT
Now, I want to be VERY careful here. In science, when we don’t readily have an answer to a problem, we often “blame the parents.” For example, most of us believe “childhood trauma” is somehow the parents’ fault, especially the mother’s. Watch out…because that means that 94% of personality problems are somehow parent-driven, driven by the parents’ genetic code or biology…driven by bad parenting practices or instilling low self-confidence…driven by childhood trauma that in the U.S.A. is typically caused by home factors vs. school factors. Also, if almost half of all personality problems are caused by trauma to our children, then what traumas are being caused and how could they be stopped, if at all?
YOUR PERSONALITY IS A DIAMOND
Any way you slice it, your personality is separate and distinct from your communicator type. Likewise, your gender does not run the communication show, although your gender style of talking does affect what and how you do and say. Mostly though, your communicator type is the lens through which you look at the world-at-large. It’s the magnifying glass that you use to “explain and correct” the relationship problems you are experiencing.
NICE TRY, BUT NO CIGAR
If you blame personality issues on the “wrong” cause, chances are you will affix upon a “nice try, but wrong” solution. So you will try to fix the problem…the problem won’t be fixed…and you will be increasingly frustrated. “Talk to Me” is a proven communication approach or system to take the guesswork out of relationship problems caused by personality issues. Once you become accustomed to using “the four modes of communication” …. you’ll spontaneously “see solutions” to communication issues and impasses you never before saw. Just you try it and see!
ABOUT THE “TALK TO ME” APPROACH TO POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows that some people very people have very definite ideas (on target or not) about the roots or personality clashes, while some have not a clue. But he also knows that Communicator Type – Empathizer or Instigator – is often equally important (or more so) at helping understand and resolve personality clashes, at home, at work, in families. He’s a keynote speaker, workshop leader and the author of the “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone” system and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.
PREVIOUS RESULTS OF NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLLS
Previous New Insights Communication polls have included “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”