Hey guys, what grade are you getting on your relationship score card? Are you just passing with “C’s,” getting all “A’s” or flunking the communication grade? And if you don’t know how well you are or aren’t performing…then who does? You and I both are hip to the trip that your No. 1 customer is your talk partner…who just may be a GREAT deal more dissatisfied than you realize. More than half of the guys I know run on the “insensitive side” of the street. Do you know where you stand on the talk grading curve with your teacher-partner?
I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT
“BUT I didn’t know my partner was SO-O bothered!” is a main symptom of ignoring a partner’s feelings. We guys can’t help running on the “insensitive side” of the street without going to a “sensitivity training” seminar. Or can we?
I recommend you ask the following “BIG” question: “Overall, what grade what you give me in our relationship this quarter? I’m serious…don’t laugh. What grade would I get, and why?! Just be totally honest, and don’t worry about hurting my feelings!”
Are you passing with flying colors or are you falling behind without realizing it?
YOUR RELATIONSHIP ATTITUDES AND GRADES
O.K. you’re doing great by asking equally for negative and positive feedback. More questions, HURRAY! Take turns with your partner and honestly answer the following questions. The person who is “less sensitive” should go first, to find out NOW where both of you stand on THE TALK GRADING CURVE.
1. Overall, if you use a grade card for me…what grade would you give me in our relationship? An A, B, C, D, F…or an “I” for incomplete? Be honest!
2. Do I act like I enjoy you and enjoy being around you? Or do you feel like a fixture around here, like a lamp or a table?
3. Do you feel I critique you or make too many comments about your weight or other private and personal habits? Or do I make you feel about as unspecial as a Christmas tree ornament or hood ornament on a car?
4. Do I listen to you without interrupting? Or do I turn a deaf ear to your complaints, or put you down when you have a complaint about me?
5. Do I need friends or family to tell me how good I’ve got IT when it comes to being with you? Or do I guilt trip you for being “too sensitive” or “you’re always over-reacting” and making “mountains out of mole hills” or other personal criticisms?
6. Do I need to be hit by a solid 2×4 piece of wood between the eyes to wake up and smell the coffee and change? Or do I act dumb and fail to get the message that you’re trying to send to me?
7. Do I easily admit when I am acting stupidly or wrong and change my ways without acting like a whinybaby victim? Or do I make “poor me” excuses and blow smoke up your skirt (or down your shirt) to try and get you off my back?
8. Do I ignore your feelings and NOT validate your opinions and experiences? Or do I flip you off, by saying: “Hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
9. Do I look out the window or stare off when you’re talking seriously to me? Or do I act bored when you discuss something painful or stressful to you?
10. Do I do what works and stop doing what doesn’t work in our relationship to improve our communication and feel closer? Or do I act like I’m too stubborn and set in my ways to try something different and new?
11. Do I treat sex like an act instead of a caring interplay? Or do I rarely touch or hug you, smile at you, leave positive voice mails, send funny e-mails or cards to you?
12. Do I listen effectively to disagreements, and can people “get through” to me? Or am I distracted and look around the room in an agitated way when others try to talk to me?
13. Do I enjoy being with y/our kids, and do I equally enjoy talking to y/our kids? Or am I TOO busy to talk?
14. Do I/you act confident about change and change easily? Or am I cocky and believe that I don’t have to change anything because I’m always right and everyone else is always wrong?
15. Do I have faith in a higher power or God? Or am I depending only on myself to control what’s going on?
16. Do I walk all over you to get my way? Or do I get my way at our expense, make unilateral decisions, get away with something and fail to compromise much?
17. Do I always win the arguments or points of debate? Or are you afraid to be honest with me because I might punish or reject you?
18. Do I sound like you’re always picking on me and making my life miserable? Or do I act dense, and say: “I don’t know what you’re talking about because I didn’t know things were this bad!”
TALKING OPENLY AND HONESTLY
When you don’t talk to your partner openly and honestly, your partner will be G-O-N-E. Blunt questions can snap a partner to attention! Weren’t those some GREAT questions to ask your partner, and listen to his or her answers, to determine m/y/our performance? Now, if your partner is pretty shy or really “sensitive”…s/he may not be telling you forcefully enough how you are failing at the basic act of communication. Push on!
DO YOU WANT TO EXCEL OR JUST GET BY IN RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL?
SO what do you want? To do well in communicator school or just get by? Perhaps you can’t afford to fail any grade in communicator school! Just go ahead and ask your partner…who is a great teacher and fair grader to tell you how you’re doing at the subject of “TALK!”
What’s your communicator type? Are you a sensitive or an insensitive communicator…one who just so happens to be a male or a female?! So do you want to excel or just get by in relationship school?
Dr. Dennis O’Grady has researched two new communicator styles, the Empathizers vs. Instigators and written extensively about them in his recently released book called TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. Are men more insensitive due to their gender or social psychological training? In Dr. O’Grady’s communication studies, 37% of all communicators were “insensitive type males” in the sample population, while 18% of communicators are “sensitive type males.” On the other hand, 22% of all communicators were “insensitive type females,” while 23% of all communicators are “sensitive type females.” So much for the “guys tale” that men are the insensitive gender. (See page 130-131 in my book “Talk to Me” for complete results…and more!) By the way, the title of this article was inspired by a 60’s Four Seasons song called, “Walk Like A Man.”