GETTING AWAY WITH ENERGY MURDER
Do you live your life by the rules of negative tapes? Put differently, do you pour sand into your gas tank and expect your car (self) to function properly? If you’re feeling depressed, you’re bound to be talking to yourself in negative ways that strain you and drain others who feel concerned about you.
DO YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE BY THE RULES OF NEGATIVE TAPES?
Jake, a 60-something Inventer relationship communications client of mine, put it this way:
I feel low in energy. I blow off steam by talking negatively. I’m an expert at reducing the positive and magnifying the negative. I love control. And how do people feel about me? Well, I keep my positive thoughts and experiences to myself. People tend to feel concerned for me and a bit worried that I never have anything positive to say. Therefore, people go out of their way to act compassionately toward me. People go out of their way to meet my needs. People go out of their way to be responsive to me. Why? Because I’ll let you know all the negatives…and because I don’t share positive things, I will feel very comfortable and in control.
A metaphor for the energy of a negative communicator: You will be like the Uncle Remus tar baby that trapped Briar Rabbit….I will suck away your energy until you feel stuck with me.
THE PERSONAL NEGATIVE TAPED MESSAGES PLAYED TODAY
Jake told me he plays a rigid series of negative tapes or messages he learned in childhood, which he still uses today. Examples of the negative messages played in his mind:
You’ll never be any good.
You can’t do anything right.
You’ll never amount to anything.
You have to belong to the clean plate club.
Jake said pensively, “How am I supposed to erase these negative messages? Do I even want to change? After all, I am VERY comfortable and in control of my relationships.”
GETTING AWAY WITH ENERGY MURDER
Jake didn’t share positive things. Like clockwork, Jake verbally reduced the positives and magnified the negatives! Did he really understand what he was doing to you? You bet. Read on:
…I terrorize. I can be quiet and intense. I push away from others. I push away from others because I feel more comfortable. It’s been too comfortable. Nothing’s disturbed this perfect world I’ve created and control. I can give just a look and people are terrified. Simply giving a piercing stare causes others to cower, then stand at attention. I’m getting away with energy murder. I can stop whatever others are doing and make them pay attention to me. Nobody dares stand up to me and say: “Look, we’re not doing this anymore!” When I appear to be agonizing over something, people wonder and worry about me…and here comes all this free energy toward me.
Why go to such extremes to have control and rob others of their energy reserves, when doing so is sure to drive them away one day…just when you realize you need them?
DO YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOU’RE NO GOOD?
The conditioned parental belief of “You’ll never be any good!” results in destructive relationship behaviors…like making people respond to you because you appear to be in a bad mood, when you aren’t. How do you do it? Hide the positive and magnify the negative. Keep good thoughts to yourself. Push people away by controlling their energy or their will. Make people serve you…and resent being your own energy pawn. Do you live your life by the rules of negative tapes?
FEEL FREE TO BE YOUR “GOOD ENOUGH,” GENUINE SELF
How do you get out of this twisted cycle? Well, play new tapes that tell you:
–you don’t need to be in control of life
–that life isn’t supposed to always be cheery and comfortable
–that grief and loss aren’t unbearable
–that people ought to be permitted to give their energy to a relationship…instead of having their energy drained from the relationship.
In short, you don’t have to force others to like and love you. Easy now…it’s going to be all right from here on out.
DO YOU WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE OR DO YOU WANT TO ERASE NEGATIVE TAPES AND LIVE FREE?
Why would you want to make yourself uncomfortable? To let go of the neurotic need to control! “Aren’t I in control?” you ask. Nope, it’s all just an illusion! Do you have to sink so low that the only place to go is to go on or climb up? Realize this — you don’t have to control your relationships right out of existence. I know you’re not interested in doing THAT.
Do you really want to erase negative tapes and live free? You won’t be as comfortable, but you will feel happy, connected, and significantly closer to those around you.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head and inside your relationships. Negatively charged beliefs plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.