Who’s At Fault?
WAS IT YOUR FAULT?
Who’s to blame? Wasn’t it your fault? And who’s the bad gal or guy here, screwing everything up? To talk or not to talk…that is the question. When misunderstandings and misfiring emotions run high between Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators, unhappiness abounds like fleas on a hound. These glaring differences can cause a communicator clash, eventual fender bender, or 20 car pileup talk crash.
DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS
Due to ignorance, blaming another person for not being your communicator type is common. Here are how Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators look and sound very differently. Example: Each can view the same accident scene, yet have completely different and often opposing eyewitness stories. Here are a few classic opposite E- vs. I-type life views that cause communicator clashes:
CLASSIC EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR VIEWS
“You think that it’s all my fault!” (E-view of I-Types) … vs… “You know darn well that it’s all your fault!” (I-view of E-types)
“You give out blame.” (E-view)…vs…”You take on blame.” (I-view)
“It’s not my fault!” (I-view)…vs…”It’s probably all my fault!” (E-view)
“You (I-types) talk louder and faster when you’re annoyed.” (E-view)…vs…”You (E-types) get softer and quieter in speech when you’re annoyed.” (I-view)
“You (I-types) add unnecessary arguing and debating.” (E-view)…vs…”You (E-types) stop talking when you’re not validated.” (I-view)
“You (I-types) think I’m dumb.” (E-view)…vs…”I think I have all the right answers!” (I-view).
DO YOU GIVE BLAME OR TAKE BLAME?
When it comes to handing out blame, there are only FOUR communication choices.
Choice 1: You’re to blame (not likely).
Choice 2: I’m to blame (even more unlikely).
Choice 3: Let’s debate who’s to blame and decide a winner and loser (more likely).
Choice 4: No one’s to blame (most likely) but some things have got to change.
When you treat your opposite communicator as if they’re stupid or resisting the proposed plan by being obstinate or resistive, blame games go off like fireworks on the Fourth of July.
WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DENNIS E O’GRADY, Psy.D.?
Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications specialist, the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me communication system. For 30+ years, Dennis has focused on the areas of effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His new, proven communication theory is easy to learn and implement, bringing astounding results in both business and personal relationships. Talk to Me can be previewed at www.drogrady.com, and is available both at that site and at Amazon.com.
DO YOU PUT THE BRAKES ON BAD TALK?
Do you put the brakes on bad talk? “I probably said more than I should have!” is a clue that you need to clear the way ahead for good talk. DO’S:
* Do slow down when your emotions are hot.
* Do listen more than you pontificate or lecture.
* Do be aware of your self and your surroundings at all times.
* Do respond to others instead of using “knee-jerk-me-jerk” reactions.
* Do be nurturing to yourself and others when stressed out.
* Do use your character values as your compass.
* Do be a good friend to others when you are prone to trying too hard to save face by being right.
* Do expect yourself to change and grow on a daily basis.
* Do hear negative feedback that resolves pesky problems that haunt you.
* Do follow good communication driving rules, even when you don’t want to.
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D.
http://www.drogrady.com
Author, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — August 29, 2007 @ 6:48 am