DON’T POP MY SELF-ESTEEM BALLOON
While flying with my brother in his private plane in Florida, I noticed that, through his headset which was tuned to the airfield’s control tower, Al was receiving several kinds of corrective feedback and information about how to fly correctly into and around the area. Now, my brother is a very seasoned pilot, so I was interested to hear him calmly repeat the corrective instructions then follow them without a fuss. I inwardly mused, “Ah, how sweet my business life would be if those I worked with (and myself) could take corrective feedback as effortlessly. There were simply no ego wars or embarrassing hurt feelings to navigate through as we flew along the constantly adjusted flight path.
CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK ISN’T CRITICISM
If you jumped inside a bag of human skin, you would quickly realize we are all lean mean learning machines…if our egos don’t trip us up. Corrective feedback is a far cry from criticism. For example, if you’re in driver’s education, those tips on how to perform a skillful maneuver differently and better have nothing to do with you as a person. Impersonal corrections fall under the umbrella of constructive feedback, critical to task improvement but not critical of the person. This key difference is often confused in the complex world of communication.
SENSITIVE VS. INSENSITIVE TYPES OF COMMUNICATORS
You’re into advanced communication skills, aren’t you? The communicator type with whom you’re talking probably handles negative and positive feedback very differently. Two hugely important communicator distinctions:
Empathizer communicators take everything very personally, quite possibly because life is a very personal adventure for them. Due to E-types’ thin skin, they can feel slammed, after which they sulk or back off from the perceived offender.
Instigator communicators have a thick hide and more easily accept negative feedback without emotional interference. I-types, who let the negative feedback glide right off their skin, are like ducks, with water rolling off their backs.
There is no better or worse way of being, but I wish Empathizers would become a little more thick-skinned and Instigators would become a little more sensitive. The Talk to Me© system provides the map for doing just that.
PROVIDING NEGATIVE OR CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK IN A POSITIVE WAY
What are some talk tips that enable you to give corrective feedback in such a way that you don’t deflate the ego of the team player?
1. KNOW TO WHOM YOU’RE TALKING. You must get to know a little bit about your talk partner. Which talk type is your co-communicator? Is the listener prone to being too sensitive, which makes him an Empathizer or E-type communicator, or does he lean toward being insensitive, which would make him an Instigator or I-type communicator?
2. A TRUE CORRECTION TAKES PLACE IN A MINUTE OR LESS. Focus on one correction at a time — don’t go down a long laundry list. Make a single, directive correction of, “This is what will work out better for you next time.” You don’t stop play…you keep on moving. A true correction is completed in ONE MINUTE or less, and it can be followed by a reinforcing activity later.
3. NO TIME-WASTING. The principle of “when at work, you only work,” should be observed. True work is persistent, intense, determined, relentless…a team approach that is visible to all around you. Employees should not see the boss or anyone, for that matter, wasting time. Make time spent in practicing corrections feel normal and commonplace.
4. CORRECTIONS ARE FAR DIFFERENT FROM CRITICISMS. Respect for the self-esteem balloon of each team player trickles from top down. The top leader must demonstrate that pins of criticisms which shred self-esteem are not to be used. The talk principal: Your boss doesn’t prick your self-esteem, so you are not to deflate or pop the self-esteem of another team member.
5. NOW GET ON DOWN THE ROAD TO THE NEXT ITEM. You delivered the corrective feedback (negative feedback dealt with positively) in a business-like fashion, without fanfare, so now it’s on to the next agenda item of business. There is no need to repeat the criticism, use sarcasm, or laugh nervously. If mutual trust has been built, true corrections feel differently than criticisms.
6. WITH PRACTICE, CORRECTIONS ARE SEEN AS THE ROAD MORE TRAVELED TO SUCCESS. It does take a lot of practice to become accustomed to giving — and receiving — corrective feedback effectively. But it’s so productive once you do get the hang of it! You steadily improve every day in every way. Once the feedback receiver sees corrections as a means to meet heartfelt goals, she will accept corrections far more readily, and even welcome them.
YOUR SELF-ESTEEM BALLOON
The prototype for negative feedback was when your mom or dad yelled at you when you were a kid, making too much noise or horsing around in the back seat of the car. Whamo! Remember how deflated you felt? Negative feedback can be akin to taking a pin and popping the balloon of your co-communicator…and it doesn’t matter if hurt feelings weren’t intended. Damage is still done. Are you now able to provide corrective feedback about negative actions in a positive way, that should be heard without defensiveness?
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady wears three shirts of relationship communication coach, corporate trainer, and executive coach. Dennis has 30+ years of experience helping talk partners of differing levels and backgrounds hear the intended message their talk partners were trying to get across. He is the author of three books, a professional keynote speaker, and an organizational consultant who uses the Talk to Me© leadership communication system in forward-thinking companies, resulting in, “Now my manager is a better communicator.” His book of effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.