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I Don’t Want To Go There

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EMOTIONAL INTERROGATION

Closed-minded communication in couples or work dyads shut off teamwork and trust. It doesn’t have to be that way. When a talk partner says, “I don’t want to go there!” … you don’t have to go there either. Why go to extremes? Extreme either/or communication or You must agree with me or you’ll be punished isn’t useful when emotions run wild.

EXTREME COMMUNICATION MOVES THAT MISLEAD

Extremism in the form of threats and outlandish requests are meant to make you back off from expecting accountability and measuring promised results. Here are some ways strong-willed negative talkers get you off track:

1. PUNISHING that takes away time, attention, a good mood, or simple respect, sends the message that you’re bad and deserving of punishment. Example: “Well, if that’s how you’re going to be, then I don’t see how we can work this out.”

2. DRILLING occurs when you’re subjected to a series of penetrating questions that confuse the point you are trying to make. Example: “Wouldn’t you feel the same way if you were in my shoes?”

3. An act of DEFIANCE takes place when a counter-attack confronts a personal weakness in need of correction. Example: “Why can’t you let go of the past, for gosh sakes?!”

4. Seeds of DISSENTION are sown in the relationship field instead of seeds of trust and love. Example: “What’s that got to do with anything? You just don’t understand my side of the story.”

5. POWER ON CONTROL is employed when urgent emergencies or emotional psychodrama take the focus off uniting in agreement about prioritizing problem resolution. Example: “I’m too busy and stressed out to deal with all your stuff right now.”

6. HIDDEN AGENDAS are sneaky ways to exert control at the expense of a positive relationship. Example: “You wanted me to take charge of the money because we agreed you weren’t doing such a good job with it.”

7. When THE OTHER SHOE DROPS, promises to you are not kept, detracting from relationship predictability and stability. Example: “I know I told you I would be home at a certain time, but I got tied up, and I don’t have any control over that.”

9. FEARING leaves a gaping hole in logic — fear in the driver’s seat of your life — fearing loss so much, that in an attempt to control it, you actually bring loss to your life. Example: “I know you’re going to leave me if I speak up too forcefully.”

10. A TIME GAP results when one talk partner insists on living in a brighter past or future, thereby avoiding the present. Example: “I promise I’ll do better and get to it tomorrow.”

11. The RULE BREAKER exudes arrogance saying, “I’m set apart from the ordinary rules you mortals must follow.” Example: “Hey, I never said I was perfect, and rules were made to be broken.”

I don’t want to go there is a strange form of self- and relationship-detachment fueled by fear. I guess we don’t want to risk getting hurt that way, eh?

I DON’T WANT TO GO THERE…I DON’T WANT TO GO INTO THE SWAMP OF MY EMOTIONS

What does I don’t want to go there really mean? It typically implies this logic lapse:

I don’t want to go deeper into my emotions, because I will get lost in that swamp, and be eaten by bugs and worse, and never find my way out, and my bleached white sun dried bones will be found decades later by scientists, SO I don’t want to talk about it…I don’t want to go there…I don’t want to deal with this right now…I don’t have the energy or stamina to talk about it anymore…if you love and respect me you will leave me alone…NOW….Do as I say, not as I do.

I’ve always wanted to write like Dave Barry and sell like Steven King!

WITHOUT GOOD COMMUNICATION THERE IS A LEADERSHIP VACUUM

Without good communication, there is a love and leadership vacuum. If you aren’t the authority of your life, if you aren’t in the driver’s seat of your life, then who is? If you’re not in charge of the communication during emotionally stormy times, then who is? Going ahead slowly will save your skin every single time when you’re lost in an emotional swamp and the alligators are hungry.

THE SLIPPERY ROAD OF EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION

Talking to someone at the same rank or level as you, such as a peer, is tricky. Talking to someone one level above or below you, such as a boss or child, is doubly tricky. Talking to anyone about anything when one of you is emotionally charged up, is almost impossible. Haven’t you noticed? Things go into a tailspin quicker than you can hide under your desk, when the fissionable material of fearful emotions and cold logic slam together.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective relationship communication coach, communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers individual and couples coaching, executive coaching, and corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of his communication system directly by interacting with the 12 dimensions of the 2 communicator types (and switch among the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title…. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

1 Comment »

  1. WHAT ARE 9 PERSONAL BENEFITS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION?

    What are the benefits of going from a good to a great communicator? Will your company or family post record profits, fire up motivation, boost morale, come up with better solutions to pesky problems, measure produced results and have a smile on all the faces around the communicator table if you do improve your communication status? You can bet your compass of effective leadership communication on it!

    THE 9 PERSONAL BENEFITS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

    But don’t take my word on it. Listen to the most often cited “personal reasons” for using the TALK TO ME communication system:

    1. Energy and empathy improves…”Where does he/she get all his/her energy and compassion?”

    2. Mood bumps up to the positive…”Nothing much seems to get you down for very long!”

    3. Self-inflicted worry and anxiety declines…”Why run yourself in circles or beat your head against a wall?”

    4. Enjoying diversity…”They really seem to enjoy people from all walks of life!”

    5. The light-bulb effect turns on…”My relationships no longer derail me from doing what’s good for me.”

    6. Impossible people don’t make you reel…”Difficult people are no longer so difficult!”

    7. Improved problem-solving…”I let go of relationship or work situations that aren’t working.”

    8. Talking positively to self…”I have a far better inner-personal relationship with my self.”

    9. Optimistic attitude…”I have more vitality, less depressive thinking, irritations don’t ruin my day.”

    GET A GOOD GRIP ON THE COMMUNICATOR CAR STEERING WHEEL, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE

    Hey, if you want to keep getting a speeding ticket for being a fast talker, or running into the same walls and problems over and over again, then pay no attention while you drive down the Communicator Highway. But if you want to be as happy (mostly) as you are setting out on a vacation, then try on for size the benefits of positive and effective communication driving skills at home and work.

    COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY AND EFFECTIVELY…BE THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE

    Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a corporate trainer, professional keynote speaker, and effective leadership communication seminar leader. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new communication system found only in his book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” He is the founder of New Insights Communication, and is a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology in Dayton, Ohio.

    Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — September 27, 2007 @ 6:50 am

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