Power On Control
You would think that Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are emotional and relationship experts. And they are. Yet long-fused E-types time and time again allow themselves to be bossed around by negative Instigator-type (I-type) communicators in the workplace and the homespace. How, you might ask? By falling for the emotional manipulation of the Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, in the form of guilt trips, causing E-types to back down from staying centered in their positions.
GOING ON A GUILT TRIP AGAIN?
“You hurt my feelings and are causing me to feel really bad!” is the primary relationship manipulation and emotional blackmail that negative I-types successfully use against “too sensitive” communicators. In short, here’s how my beloved E-types take a life detour by going on a guilt trip. A negative I-type rebukes the positive E-type with this implied message:
Shame on you. You are causing me great personal anguish that I would otherwise not be experiencing if you weren’t so mean to me. But you can make it all up to me by being nice again. I thought you were nice, but the way you are treating me is wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so unkind and irrational. Don’t you know anything about the golden rule? Now get back in line or I won’t speak to you, or I’ll cause a loss to befall you that you will regret.
Get this: The debater is NOT actually feeling hurt. The negative I-type is just ACTING hurt to have his way. He doesn’t feel hurt! Duped again?
HOW IT’S SO-O-O EASY TO MAKE AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR CARRY YOUR GUILT
Distressed and under stress, you should know that E-types blame themselves for relationship troubles, while I-types blame others or the situation. E-types rope themselves to anchors and throw themselves into an Olympic size pool of pity…and expect themselves to swim effectively. Not! How to make an E-type go on a guilt trip:
1. KEEP THEM GUESSING. If you aren’t predictable in what you say or do, the anxiety of E-types will go through the roof.
2. BE THE SLEDGEHAMMER. If you talk over E-types, talk down to E-types, cut off E-types in mid-sentence, keep repeating stupid viewpoints to E-types, frown disapprovingly or snort in superiority — then you will make most E-types shrink away and feel cowardly.
3. FICTIONALIZE. E-types are suckers for words, actually believing that people mean what they say, not saying whatever will force their way. People can find excellent ways to fictionalize — making up stories, whipping up “What if the sky falls down on you” drama; stuffing “I couldn’t do anything about it” excuses down your throat; or psychocritiques of your good character. Net result: The E-type’s mouth is taped shut.
4. ROCK THE BOAT. Negative I-types have learned that when they are losing the war, the best way to distract the opposition is to wage another battle on a vulnerable front. This is also called “stirring the pot” or “standing up for what’s right,” which translated means “I will have my way at your expense now, because all is fair in love and war, and this is relationship war.”
5. CRY-POUT-SHOUT OR OTHERWISE GET ALL EMOTIONAL. E-types’ faces melt when tears or other tender emotions are displayed. So my esteemed I-types, if you aren’t getting your way using any other tactics, then boo-hoo and cry, or go into a fit or a wild-eyed rage. It works like a charm every time.
Are you tired of being nice, Mr. Nice Guy or Ms. Nice Gal, my dear E-type? I bet so. You are prone to getting whacked out by extreme thinking and extreme emotional displays of being hurt. Well, it’s time to make this all about you, isn’t it?
ARE YOU DEALING WITH A SCRAPPY OR A CRAPPY COMMUNICATOR?
Are you dealing with a crappy or scrappy communicator? Chances are your talk opposition isn’t feeling hurt at all, but simply making cool calculated communication moves to have her way at your expense. In short, the negative talker is just fictionalizing or doing some pretty convincing psychodrama to force you to back down emotionally. Hey, they’re just tricks of the guilt talk trade, y’all. Well, my respected Empathizer communicator, your blue communicator car will veer off the two-way communicator highway if you listen to such bad communication crapola. And whose fault is that? Now who’s in the driver’s seat of your life?
WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady is an effective communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of his communication system directly by interacting with the 12 dimensions of the 2 communicator types (and switch within the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.
Logic would tell you that gender is related to communication style. For example, that women as a group are more sensitive and “tuned in” than men are, and thus better able to “talk better.” This is simply not so. Gender is not related to your communicator type. Therefore, everyone is capable of becoming a better communicator.
In my two years spent researching 470 subjects, I found an equal number of men and women are Empathizer-type (E-type) and Instigator-type (I-type)communicators. Thus, being an Empathizer or Instigator communicator is distinctly separate from gender, gender roles, race, economic status or personality type.
Also, although a manipulative person does use their gender and your sex role expectations to express negative energy, you can keep a cool head and stay focused on positive results when you know the communicator type of the difficult person. Are you licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway? Do you know the communicator type of the person you are speaking to?
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — July 23, 2007 @ 6:46 am
Dennis:
My ex-boss and mentor was a negative Instigator communicator in your theory. He would inflict pain upon himself and others through self-defeating actions that I’m not sure he was even aware of. These are ghosts that drove him:
Leave you in limbo
Talk out of a gaping hole in logic
Self-inflict loss and alienation
Fear future loss
Fear feeling loved
Fear feeling happy
Fear the other shoe will drop
Fear going broke
Fear being excluded
Fear of full commitment
Fear of losing control
Fear of being seen as weak
Fear of being taken advantage of
Fear of loss…LOSS…
My boss would do to himself what he feared would be done unto him. To feel in control all of the time? I really liked and respected my boss, but he pushed me (away) so hard I had to leave. Thanks for talking openly about these issues.
Comment by Lou — July 24, 2007 @ 12:24 pm
My gripe is with secretive communication. Domineering types use secrets to manipulate. A talk over vs. a take charge kind of person. Relationships are based on alliances not love. No sense of what’s appropriate or inappropriate. I have to learn how to stop internalizing. Does the Talk to Me system do that?
Comment by Gene — July 24, 2007 @ 2:08 pm