He Says…She Says
Ever been criticized by your partner, team member, or boss for doing too much of this, or too little of that? And have you ever felt like your talk partner shoots tiny sharp, poison darts at your heart, then turns around and criticizes you for bleeding on the carpet, or being woozy, or staggering as you walk? Doesn’t that make you crazy? My point: If talk clashes hurt you, then likely you are an Empathizer-type communicator who is listening to the complaints of your Instigator-style partner as if they’re gospel.
HOW CAN I LEARN HOW TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF?
Men and women who are Empathizer (E-types) communicators are sometimes “too sensitive” and “too good” for their own purposes. For example, Willy (an E-type talker) sought personal communications coaching from me. “I’ve been married 33 years,” he explained. “Ninety-nine percent (99%) of the time my wife has something to complain about. She says I always think of myself first, and nobody else. She says I never take anything on, unless I’m told to. How do you learn to stand up for yourself, to say exactly what you think?”
THE TALKIN’ JAG
Criticisms and negative feedback aren’t ever useful unless they create new results that are good for all. Otherwise, why criticize? How can Willy stop himself from being stepped on and feeling like a doormat when comments like these are repeated, over and over again, to ad nauseam?
She says: If you don’t like it, then too bad.
She says: Why don’t you change your ways?
She says: You’re treating me like I’m #2.
She says: Why should I have to do it your way?
She says: You don’t communicate enough.
She says: Why don’t you listen to me?
Willy feels his wife shoots poison darts right at his heart. So he shuts up, shuts down or storms out of the room.
Willy asks: How do you get close to somebody when everything out of their mouth is a complaint about something?
THE TALKING TRIBUTE
Willy has a right and a responsibility to speak up for himself. He can express faith that he isn’t some old broken down junk heap of a communication car. How to start traveling in the right talk direction, when you feel like a Willy:
1. TALK SOME SENSE TO YOURSELF.
Example: “I’m feeling embarrassed and misunderstood, so something’s not going quite right here. Let me see if I can figure out what it is.”
2. PUT DOWN THE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE OF OTHERS WHICH YOU MIGHT HAVE INADVERTENTLY PICKED UP.
Example: “Why has my mood changed so dramatically? Is it something I’m hearing that is negative? Is someone around me bringing me down with their depressed mood or talk?”
3. DELETE OR INTERRUPT THE DISCOURAGER.
Example: “Am I going to let someone make me feel like I’m not good enough, or be the final judge of whether or not I deserve to have good things happen to me?”
4. DWELL ON WHO ACCEPTS YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.
Example: “It’s up to me now to stand up for myself like Mom (or Dad, or my brother…) did.”
5. GET MAD IN A GOOD WAY.
Example: “I don’t tolerate put-downs or bad lectures about my good character. You haven’t even taken the time or made any effort to get to know who I really am!”
6. LEARN FROM THE CRITICISMS INSTEAD OF MULLING THEM OVER.
Example: “Am I an Empathizer-type communicator whose feelings are too easily hurt? Am I an Instigator-type communicator who is too driven?”
7. EXPERIENCE GOOD GRIEF.
Example: “I let hard feelings roll off my back like a duck.”
CRITICISMS DON’T DEFINE YOU OR HAVE TO BE CONTAGIOUS
Criticisms aren’t the end of your world. Go on with your life and enjoy the positive energy of the next person you chance to meet. Example: “Naysayers are negative nut cases.”
You have the power to make yourself matter more than what anyone thinks of you. Example: “No matter what you think of me, I really matter, and that’s my bottom line.”
CRITICISMS MAKE FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND OF YOUR MIND
Criticisms for Empathizer communicators are a real mood downer, and criticism doesn’t typically motivate E-types to perform better. Unfortunately, E-types take a criticism as gospel coming from high. E-types are particularly prone to remembering junk that belongs in the trunk of the communicator car. No one can make you roll around in the slime of criticism for hours on end without your consent. Put criticisms in the garbage can, and take the garbage to the curb.
ABOUT PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a Dayton region communications psychologist and author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, is a husband, father, relationship communications coach and a guy who can’t stop talking about the art of talking. Dennis is a corporate trainer whose focus is positive and effective leadership communication strategies. He is the developer of the Talk to Me leadership communication system.
Dr. Herb Goldberg’s second book, The Hazards of Being Male, became a worldwide phenomenon in the seventies as it created a new understanding of masculinity. It remains the seminal and best known psychological book on men.
THE CHILD-REARING BIND: If as a father he is heavily involved with his family and tries to take an active part in rearing the children he may clash with his wife over child-rearing philosophy and attitudes. He will be resented for interfering, for not backing up his wife, and for creating dissention. If he lays back, largely staying out of the picture, and tries not to interfere, thereby allowing his wife to be the principle authority in child-rearing, he may be resented for being a passive, uninvolved father and his influence in the family and the depth of his relationship with his children will steadily diminish.
Either way he loses: If he tries to involve himself heavily in the child rearing he may be resented for having a divisive influence. If he tries to stay out of the picture he may be resented for being a passive, uninvolved father.
THE INTEGRITY BIND: The man who is honest and direct with others in the work relationship may be criticized for being tactless, undiplomatic, inappropriate, socially naive, and even cruel. If he shapes himself up into the “nice guy,” hiding his real feelings behind a smile, a handshake, and a smooth manner, he may be viewed as competent and a good team man but may feel progressively more unreal, phony, and resentful.
Either way he loses: If he is honest, direct and open he stands to jeopardize his job and career. If he plays the “nice guy” and is basically dishonest and manipulative in his resposnes, he may become successful but he has turned himself into an object and his relationships will become increasingly dehumanized and frustrating.
An excerpt from Dr. Herb Goldberg’s book, The Hazards of Being Male, Signet, 1976, p. 90-91.
Dr. Herb Goldberg’s latest book is to be published as a Barricade Books hardcover on June 4, 2007. What Men Still Don’t Know About Women, Relationships, and Love proclaims: “On every level of contemporary life women are growing and emerging while men are shrinking and failing. Without a significant change in awareness, insight, and commitment, men will become increasinly toxic in their personal connections, and unable to maintain close, personal relationships resulting in painful isolation. Men need information, interpretations and guidance that go beyond superficial advice about love and relationships and the usual lectures about how to treat a woman.”
Herb Goldberg, Ph.D., is also a psychotherapist in private practice, and an Emeritus Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles.
Dr. Herb Goldberg’s new book can be ordered at http://www.barricadebooks.com. Carol Eisner at Eisner Public Relations is the contact person about key media talking points for Dr. Herb Goldberg. Carol Eisner’s phone number is (310) 839-1400. Or you can contact Carol at http://www.eisnerpr.com.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — June 2, 2007 @ 6:52 am
Clear communication is what everyone wants, male and female alike. I use TALK TO ME at work, and with my wife. It’s a systematic process that promotes better communication.
Comment by Bill — June 4, 2007 @ 1:06 pm
I was having problems communicating with my family. I acted like a child when I didn’t get my way. I’m learning what “brakes” are in relationships. How not to suffocate people, or be overwhelmed. As an E-type, people used to brand my brain and heart. I’m changing rapidly. It’s out of this world.
Comment by Katie — June 4, 2007 @ 5:56 pm