Finding Mr. Right…Avoiding Ms. Wrong
YOU’RE RIGHT TO STEER CLEAR OF MR./ MS. WRONG
What’s it take for a good woman or man to find a good partner these days? Pure luck? Are all the good ones taken, as Negatalkers would have us think?
THE WRONG WAY OF FINDING MR. OR MS. RIGHT
Are you uneasy and gun-shy because you’ve had your own close call with identity theft and self-esteem death with your charming and disarmingly negative Cagey Communicator guy or gal. What to look out for if you’re a sweetheart of an open and honest communicator:
1. TWISTED THINKING. You never feel like you get a straight answer to a simple question, and even easy topics become complex psychological talk projects with Mr./MS. Wrong.
2. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING. Mr./MS. Wrong is a “nice guy or gal” who is an interpersonal politician who “invents an image” that is designed to sell others a “favorable” impression.
3. MAKES MESSES. If you trace his steps and actions, Mr./MS. Wrong makes one mess after another in her personal relationships.
4. BRINGS DOWN. Mr./MS. Wrong even has the nerve to complain about how people react unkindly to the very messes he makes in their living space. He brings good things down, and entices you to work harder and harder to try and make her happy.
5. HAMMERS YOU. If you question Mr./MS. Wrong or assertively stand up to him or her, you will be hammered down with all sorts of rationalizations and justifications about why she’s right and you’re wrong.
6. CLOSENESS PHOBIC. Mr./MS. Wrong lives by The Little Whorehouse movie musical lines: “Now you see me, now you don’t!”
7. CONFUSION. Mr./MS. Wrong flows and empties like a tide pool, while you get sunburned and feel confused…and then blame yourself for what went wrong.
8. A BOLD-FACED LIAR. Mr./MS. Wrong tells such big lies that you might just be tempted to think there’s some truth to them.
9. HYPNOTIZER. Just because someone says something don’t make it so! So don’t be hypnotized with reverse psychology, because what Mr./MS. Wrong criticizes as your weakness, is in fact a pure strength of leadership.
10. LAZY BONES. Mr./MS. Wrong thinks winning means that your try harder and put more energy into the relationship than she or he does.
11. A MAGNETIC PERSONALITY. How cute and quaint that Mr./MS. Wrong sells everyone on his appearance of normalcy and niceness, while making you feel crazy but intrigued.
12. QUICK TO BLAME. Justifying how “It’s not my fault, because people were doing it to me, so I couldn’t control it!” Fact is you have a control freak, an anti-change or rigid thinking junkie on your hands.
13. IMPLIED MESSAGES. What isn’t said, what’s left out of the conversation, and what’s implied in statements are hypnotic messages meant to wear you down into agreeing with his or her viewpoint.
14. TERRIBLE TWOS. When Mr./MS. Wrong can’t have his way, he will pout and shout about how unfair you’re being, and throw a temper tantrum that would put a two-year-old in stitches.
15. WEAR YOU DOWN. Mr./MS. Wrong doesn’t take no for an answer, and will like a sledgehammer wear you down with “logical arguments” until you stop standing up for yourself.
16. RUNNING THE TALK MAZE. Mr./MS. Wrong makes you feel like you have to run a maze to be close to him or her, until your head spins and you feel confused and have lost your way.
17. UNHAPPY. Mr./MS. Wrong is never truly happy, because it’s never quite good enough, and you could do much better.
DO YOU LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS HE LIKES YOU?
Is your energy being drained? Energy needs to be about equal in a positive relationship. Mr./MS. Wrong changes the score of the game, and the minutes left to play, because he OR she lacks integrity and he justifies unethical actions in business and romance. Do you like a good challenge? Well, then hook up with Mr./MS. Wrong — who is neither fun nor loving over the long haul.
ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady is a professional psychologist who has clinically researched how lonely it is at the bottom of the communication dating pool. Dennis has looked into a subgroup of negative communicators, called Cagey Communicators, who really can make a mess of things, and make a romantic partner feel as if “I should’ve seen through it.” Do opposites attract? Yes, opposites attract, but they don’t last. You shouldn’t have to work so hard to be emotionally close with someone, right? Giving shouldn’t be a one-way street. Image isn’t everything, because heart-and-soul is also needed, to make the communication body go. Actually, Mr. Wrong and Ms. Wrong both fit the personality and communicator profile above. It’s the hardest type to catch on to in the Land of Ozzie and Harriet and The Wizard of Oz. Are you abnormal? Aren’t you honest and open, what you see is what you get? Aren’t you an Empathizer who needs to take a stand and stand for positive relationships that hold people like you in an embracing hug? If you are separated or divorced, perhaps you’ve caught on to the fact that relationships shouldn’t be so much hard work that involves only one person being able and willing to drive the couple communicator car.
WHO IS THE CAGEY COMMUNICATOR?
A cagey communicator is a “smart as a fox” type you can’t really pin down, no matter how hard you try to. Cagey communicators steal the will of the people right from underneath their very own noses. They are able to convince you that what’s false is true, what’s up is down, and that the reason you frown is not their fault but is due to your own shameful unworthiness.
CAGEY COMMUNICATOR TRAITS THAT WILL ENSNARE YOU
There’s nothing “regular” about the “brainwashing” capacities of the cagey talker. Here are the leading traits of the cagey communicator that can make you feel like a caged animal who wants to run free:
1. DOESN’T LISTEN. Cagey communicators do not shut up and listen! They will go on and on and on, beating the same drab drum about what rules of right vs. wrong you and the group should fearfully follow.
2. IMAGE MAKER. Everything is smoke and mirrors in the sometimes Funhouse but most times Griefhouse of the cagey communicator. Impression management: You will be told and sold the approved social image that the cagey communicator wants you to believe.
3. INTRIGUE. You will be kept guessing as to the true identity of cagey communicators. However, they say a lot about the self all the time. That is, if you can believe that what they say they are, is what they say they are!
4. WILL BREAKER. You will feel coyly controlled, or that your freedom has been jailed, and you will feel forced to go along with their program — if you know what’s good for you.
5. COWARD. The cagey communicator escapes personal problems at all costs. Failures and conflicts are always about how what’s gone wrong is the fault of someone or something else, that is bad to the bone.
6. STIRS UP CONTROVERSY. Cagey communicators are dishonest about what they are truly feeling. Moreover, to take the heat of accountability off themselves, they will set fires in adjacent locations as talk distractions.
7. RELATIONSHIP DEFICIT DISORDER. There will be no “true” relationship or interpersonal closeness with people who matter most to a business or family. As soon as you get close, the cagey communicator pulls away.
8. HOOKS YA. Intermittent relationship reinforcement is used is used to keep you hooked and on the line. Thus, you will be the rat who is fed pellets by the cagey communicator, as long as you turn in the prescribed direction as instructed.
9. INSECURITY. Deep insecurity and old grief exist in the inner bowels of the cagey communicator, whose security is fortified by controlling others and by bending others’ will to their own purposes.
10. SMOKESCREEN. Claims to be fully committed, but isn’t. There are always two conflicting forces, such as two love partners or conflicting business alliances. What isn’t said but implied: “Although I’m always stuck in the middle doing the dirty work, at least I’m as needed as the tires on a car.”
11. UNCHANGING. Seldom does anything truly change inside the cagey communicator, but drama cycles around him or her constantly. Of course, you will be encouraged to dispense with some of your biggest talents, strengths, and assets, which will break your will and make you easier to control.
12. BLAMELESS. “It’s wasn’t my fault, because that’s not what I really meant!” is the escape clause that is often utilized by the cagey communicator. If you say something, doesn’t that mean that your word means something? Not to the cagey communicator, who manipulates a situation to get what he or she wants without the free consent of others.
13. HIT LIST. You will be widely rewarded, if you agree, or severely punished if you disagree or refuse to go along to get along with the unethically guided cagey communicator. Make no mistake about it…there are “hit lists” which are meticulously followed.
14. SUCK YOUR ENERGY DRY. The cagey communicator will put a long syringe into your skull, or a very long straw, and suck your last ounce of passionate energy dry. If you isolate or doubt yourself, you will dry up and blow away like dusty bones in the desert.
15. DON’T LEAVE ME! The cagey communicator will make you feel sorry for them, really, really sorry. It’s true! You will feel as if you’re stuck in a Tar Baby, and the harder you hit, the more stuck you will become. Don’t worry: There is always a next cast of players.
16. SHIFTING GRIEF. The ultimate dreaded inner issue that the cagey communicator refuses to turn around and look at is old grief baggage…very old. This unspoken grief is acted out or passed off to others in the form of guilt baggage.
The cagey communicator will not heal without ultimately dealing with intense grief issues.
TALK TO ME SYSTEM DATA
In my extensive studies using the Talk to Me system, I’ve found only 20% of communicators are cagey. That means 80% of us are straight shooters, who aren’t trying to get our way at the expense of others. Is there a difference among men and women? Gender speaking, 62% of manipulators are men and 38% of manipulators are women. But, oh my, how one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch, when allowed!
WHAT’S THIS GOT TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER?
I often hear “I don’t want to be associated with the cagey communicator any longer!” How do you break free of the cagey communicator? Well, you’ve got to leave, or fire them. That’s about the only two ways. You will work and try, and try harder, and work more and still nothing significant will change, at least for any extended period of time. Why is it so hard to leave them? Well, maybe they cause us to pull together as a group, activating our true inner powers for the good of all. That’s what happened to Harry Potter and friends when besieged by the cagey communicator called Prof. Umbridge.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship communications expert, inspirational keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and experienced couples counselor. For 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book of effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — September 14, 2007 @ 7:38 am
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT TOXIC COMMUNICATORS?
Does a toxic communicator get under your skin or drive you up a wall? Or do you feel stuck in Uncle Remus’ Tar Baby of negative thoughts and feelings? Toxic communicators make you feel that you’ve dug a deep hole for yourself and jumped in, just to make yourself miserable. Actually, whether you were pushed into the hole or threw yourself in head first, followed by a metal shovel dropping down on you, you’ve got to get clear of confusing communication. There are other road signs that a toxic communicator has taken up residence in your mind and is dominating your will.
ROAD SIGNS or HALLMARKS OF TOXIC COMMUNICATION
According to my research, only about 19% of communicators are toxic communicators who spin confusion all around them. Common symptoms you will feel, courtesy of The Cagey Communicator:
You’re left a mess. You wake up in the morning, or go to sleep at night, re-hashing the insane things the toxic communicator has said or done.
Can’t and don’t communicate. “We can’t talk!” is how you’re left feeling, since you can’t really pin down the toxic communicator who is forever scheming and planning.
Sucked into the wounds of the cagey communicator. Toxic communicators pull you into their grief world to heal them, and then you’re left wounded and lonesome.
Wallowing in suffering. You blame yourself and kick yourself in the head for feeling so bad for so long. Whoops! You’ve been had once again, because it’s not your fault.
I can’t get you out of my head. Your head is crammed full of the crummy stuff that the toxic communicator has so carefully stowed away, at your expense.
Panic, anxiety, and personal unrest. Your life intent is happiness and peace of mind, not having your mind split into a million little pieces by the controlling will of the toxic communicator.
It’s now time to flick those toxic people off!
LET IT GO IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER
If your head is SO jammed full of fear and anxiety, then you are most likely a too sweet Empathizer communicator whose mind has been taken over and whose spirit has been soured by a toxic communicator. Now hear this: You have to do what will make you happy! Talk to You: “I have to do what will make ME happy!” Now, what communicator moves can you make so you’ll feel sane and serene again?
ANTIDOTES TO TOXIC COMMUNICATION
Although your mind has been in a rut, you can move out of that rut by turning your steering wheel slightly to the left or to the right. I should know, because growing up in Michigan winters gave me plenty of practice time! My dear E-types, here’s how to avoid “getting stuck” in negativity:
1. I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE. Toxic communicators are poison to everyone. You’re not the only one, and this isn’t about you. Say, “Since I’m not the only one impacted, I won’t allow my mind to stay in a fear-driven place.”
2. IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL. Toxic communicators can especially confuse sensitive and loving souls who are interpersonal experts. Say, “It’s nothing personal, because now it’s only business between us.”
3. I’M NOT TO BLAME. Toxic communicators make you feel responsible for fixing their problems and healing their ancient grief wounds. Say, “I’m not to blame for this mess, and I don’t always have to clean up after a messy communicator!”
4. I’M CONFIDENT OTHERS SEE WHAT I SEE. Toxic communicators can fool some of the people some of the time, but can’t fool all of the people all of the time. Say, “I’m confident that neutral outside authorities see what I see taking place.”
5. I HAVE CONTROL OF PUSHING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS THAT DON’T SERVE ME OUT OF MY MIND. Toxic communicators want you to stew and sulk about their ship of fools. Say, “I have the control to push out negative thoughts that are crowding my mind!”
6. I CAN BE COMFORTABLE WITH PEACE AND HAPPINESS. Toxic communicators despise peace and strive for war, discord, and divisions that control the flow of information. Say, “I am increasingly comfortable with peace and happiness!”
7. I MOVE OUT OF MENTAL RUTS. Toxic communicators don’t have the final say, because you can allow negative thoughts to pass on through your brain. Say, “I will easily move out of the mental ruts I find myself in today!”
The clever fox wants you, the rabbit, to fight the Tar Baby of their negative talk so you get stuck faster in the goo of it. Not today. You now have the antidote to toxic communication that is NOT about you! Say with me now, “You and I are not our negative thoughts and feelings!”
ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at http://www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — September 14, 2007 @ 7:52 am