Communication can get real ugly when people hold two (or more) different viewpoints and feel at war, not peace-full. Victims of bad talk are all of us who are trying to avoid pointing the finger of blame, or throwing rocks of resentment that maim. When conflict and tension are dancing as fast as they can across your communicator stage, your view of the truth is needed to be heard to garden change.
REALITY IS A MANY SPLENDIFEROUS THING
Reality is what two or more people agree on as true and valid. Empathizer communicators (E-types) hold to a private view of truth vs. untruth, assuming everyone must be able to “see and agree” on what they do. Instigator communicators (I-types) more forcibly declare a public view of right vs. wrong, assuming everyone will “hear and agree” on what they think we all should do. Problem is…truth is a many-sided elephant, said the blind man.
WHAT YOU CAN SAY WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
These are some prompts to talk when you don’t know what to say. Next I will give you examples of how they sound in real life.
1. My view of the truth is…
2. What I need you to hear is…
3. My take on the problem is…
4. This is my experience with this…
5. My feedback is…
6. My two cents worth…
7. I need to vent…
8. This is my offering…
9. My view of this happens to be….
“What I heard you say was…” “It wasn’t just me who heard that…” “So we don’t have any further miscommunication…” “I don’t see any reason for hostilities…” are some other novel ways to get your point across without making an enemy by casting sharp stones of blame.
HOW TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO ISN’T ON THE SAME PAGE MUCH LESS IN THE SAME LIBRARY?
Now, since the “hard times” are good for us, let’s see how truth plays out in the real world of people talking.
1. My view of the truth is… Example: “My view of the truth is that you say that you’re working on it because I can’t get on your case if you’re putting some energy into it.”
2. What I need you to hear is… Example: “What I need you to hear is that just because we’ve always gone to your parents for the holidays, habit doesn’t make it the right thing for us to go again this year.”
3. My take on the problem is… Example: “My take on the problem is that we’re not progressing fast enough. I want to see some signs of progress. I want things to move forward because I’m unwilling to live like this.”
4. This is my experience with this… Example: “This is my experience with this: You say you couldn’t do anything to change it but I disagree. You didn’t want to do anything to make any waves, so you went along to get along to claim it wasn’t your fault.”
5. My feedback is… Example: “My feedback is we ought to get together and talk calmly. When you or I get mad at each other and then treat each other disrespectfully, it’s like throwing gasoline on a fire.”
6. My two cents worth is… Example: “My two cents worth is that we really know how to push each others’ buttons, and hit below the belt. Then we have a slugfest instead of a lovefest.”
7. I need to vent… Example: “I need to vent. The kids called you a ‘screamer’…enough already. You’re beating a dead horse trying to make the kids agree with you.”
8. This is my offering… Example: “This is my offering… we shouldn’t say ‘why don’t you just get over it’ anymore. We need to ‘get into it’…work out the feelings instead of get over them.”
9. My view of this happens to be… Example: “My view of this happens to be that reality is a many splendid thing, and self-delusion is cancerous.”
Well, that’s been more fun than climbing a tree and hollering at the top of your lungs, hasn’t it?
TRUTH BY COMMUNICATOR TYPE
Relaying your view of the truth is what matters. If you are an E-type communicator, you are prone to becoming tongue-tied when a contest of wills is waged, and need to be supported to stay on-focus and talk-open. If you are an I-type communicator, you are prone to dismissing the reality of the other speaker, and need encouragement to hold back from overwhelming them with the logical power of your points.
IF WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT…IT’S NOT AN ISSUE
A rule of the fool-hearted is: “If I don’t talk about my feelings…the issue that made the feelings surface will disappear, too.” There’s more than a little truth to this favorite Instigator-truism. On the other hand, not talking about feelings productively, is like holding your breath for too long. Something big is going to come along to kick you out of your complacency, such as having a fainting spell, or dipping into a downer mood or becoming a screamer.
FEELIN’ LIKE CRAWLIN’ HEAD FIRST INTO BED
When viewpoints aren’t shared respectfully, and when you don’t learn something new to strengthen relationship bonds…IT makes the bravest among us feel like crawlin’ into bed headfirst and staying there. Miscommunication makes us all feel so alone, disconnected, mad and mortally sad. Just makes me wonder why we do it so much.
ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker, family business consultant, relationship counselor, excecutive coach and author of the new communication system found only in “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”