As a relationship psychologist and personal communications expert, I’d like you to know that bad communication is the final straw that breaks the back of any relationship, large or small. In fact, the plaintive cry of anyone who’s chronically lonely/misunderstood usually goes like this: “I’m just done trying so hard to get along with someone who won’t get along with me.” Then the relationship ends, and everyone acts shocked.
TOO MUCH DAMAGE DONE: I’M THE VICTIM HERE…THAT’S NOT FAIR
When you are talked over, talked down to, forced to explain yourself, ridiculed with guilt trips and riddled with shame games, your gas tank will be drained and your communicator car will stall or slide out of control, sending you over a cliff. There comes a point in which too much damage has been done to a relationship through poor or no new communication. At that point, the relationship cannot heal. Sadly, without the nurturing of communicating change, relationships (like children) fail to thrive and then disintegrate.
WHAT MAKES FOR CRAPPY COMMUNICATION AND RELATIONSHIP CRASHES?
Here are 23 tidy ways to push a loving co-communicator off a cliff, and then feel like the “I’m the victim here…and that’s SO not fair:”
1. TWISTED MEMORY. Crappy communicators use selective memory and “remember” conversations inaccurately to purposely play to their prejudiced narrow viewpoint.
2. “I’M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE TO HONOR AND OBEY ME.” Crappy communicators coercively convince you that you artificially owe them respect and compliance as a way to honor their one-up role of mother or father, boss, husband or wife, extended family member, etc., — no matter what their behavior is like.
3. OBEY OR PAY. Crappy communicators make life Hell for anyone who doesn’t go along with their wishes to get along with them.
4. “IT’S YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY.” Crappy communicators are controlling personality types, and they fail to see that they invent relationship failures one after another.
5. BASHING. Crappy communicators use reverse psychology to bash and guilt bomb you non-stop about your unique strengths and key talents.
6. “YOU MUST ACCEPT ME AS I AM.” Crappy communicators make threats of rejection and emotional abandonment, such as: “You’ve got to take it or leave me because I’m just being genuine and objective with you!”
7. “YOU HURT ME!” Crappy communicators will sink so low as to cry alligator tears (when nothing else is working) to get their way and force you to go along at the expense of you and the relationship.
8. A CONTROL FREAK. Crappy communicators “push their point of view” by omitting or distorting key facts from the storyline that would make you and others see the truth of the whole picture.
9. “WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO CHANGE?” Crappy communicators pretend to change when the chips are down, but these “nice changes” are blips on the screen that disappear in no time at all.
10. “YOU’RE NOT BEING ANY HELP.” Crappy communicators will slap you in the face with how unhelpful you’re being after you’ve given them the time and energy of your life.
11. THREE-WAY POWER PLAYS. Crappy communicators will gossip about you to your kids, friends, church family, siblings, etc. They’ll preach the party line and use social pressure to bend you to their will.
12. FIX A DISCONNECT. Crappy communicators will push you over a cliff, then shout down at you: “Why don’t you want to be close?” “Why aren’t you trying harder to talk to me?”
13. LOOKING GOOD. Crappy communicators must “look good in the eyes of others” and will purposely spin stories and use white lies of omission in order to do so.
14. “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET IT GO?” Crappy communicators cause the problem, then blame your reaction to the problem as the problem, and then tell you it’s all up to you to fix everything. Zap!
15. “BUT WHY DIDN’T YOU…?” Crappy communicators are Kings of the Guilt Trips and say, “Why don’t you want to talk about it?” “Why won’t you work on it?” “Why don’t you want to be part of the family?” “Why don’t you want to be close tonight with me?” “Why are you blaming me for something I told you I didn’t do?” “Why don’t you stop obsessing and get over it?” “Why are you acting so distant and non-communicative?” Duh!
16. “I DIDN’T MEAN TO.” When cornered, crappy communicators will admit to making an unintended teeny-tiny mistake that you shouldn’t be mad about. Did you just blow in from “Stupidtown?”
17. “I’M SORRY.” Crappy communicators erase treating you badly by apologizing but not changing their egregious words of poison.
18. “DON’T TALK BACK TO ME.” Crappy communicators will accuse you of being disrespectful when you speak back to lies with truth.
19. THE OUTSIDER SYNDROME. Crappy communicators make you feel like you don’t belong, you’re not good enough, invisible, not worthy, lucky to be tolerated, no one else would want you, you’re not special but shameful and flawed. Always implied is that YOU aren’t not doing a good enough job of getting along with them.
20. “ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FIGHT.” Crappy communicators say they don’t want to fight with you but always do. When you take the gloves off and punch back, the bully hollers and yelps that you’re not playing fair by the rules.
21. STRATEGIC MELTDOWNS. Crappy communicators have psychodramatic emotional “meltdowns” to force you to back off from confronting them further about their mistakes, fears or shortcomings.
22. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT.” Crappy communicators will act upset when you hit them on the nose with the truth.
23. NARCISSISM. Crappy communicators must do anything to be the center of attention, including disrupting a perfectly good relationship.
YOU DON’T KNOW HER OR HIM VERY WELL
Disruptive communicators divisively dig a great big divide of miscommunication between people who do want to get along as independent beings. Thus, negative communicators have a knack of turning people against one another with a sly, “You don’t know him or her like I do.” The result is the lack of enjoying life, love and the pursuit of happiness….
EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILERS AND RELATIONSHIP BLACKBALLERS
…All because we are afraid to tell the naked truth to emotional blackmailers and relationship blackballers who are crappy communicators who feed you a manure sandwich to chomp on.
ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady became so “fed up” with blaming and finger-pointing in family and couple relationship communication patterns, that he just had to do something constructive about it before he went nuts. So, O’Grady invented a new communication system that anyone (including children and teens) can use to talk positively in ways that promote a positive attitude, a buoyant mood, high energy, emotional closeness, co-independence, happiness, contentment and peace of mind. Now it’s up to you if you want some of these good tidings. Get what you’ve always wanted by learning the “Talk to Me” communication system instead of feeling like you’re “spinning your tires” and feeling “fed up.”