I’m Just Going To Focus On What I Can Change!
IMAGINED REALITY VS. REAL REALITY
“I’m just going to focus on what I can change for a change!” belted out one of my Empathizer-type communicators. “Why should I allow my partner, who won’t change, to lead me around like goat on a rope?” Well, the answers are here. Empathizer-type communicators struggle with putting themselves first, while Instigator-type communicators struggle with coming in anywhere except first! When E-types have negative feelings, it’s not a pretty sight to behold, and it certainly isn’t music to your ears, either. Get ready for fear-driven excuses galore! E-types can focus on all the bad things with ease. They back down from taking positive action in spite of fear for what may happen if they don’t. And E-types will see doom and gloom everywhere on their future horizons, as well.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO NEGATIVE?
I-types can barely stomach negative Empathizers. Why? E-types will hop from one gloomy topic to another, with the ease of a trapeze artist doing flips in mid-air. Instigators (I-types) have little patience for E-types checking off a long list of “bad feelings” and “the whys and why nots” about change being next to impossible. Read what an Empathizer communicator had to say as she spoke with me about why her life wasn’t working out very well…
I think of as many negatives as I can in order to use them as excuses. I rationalize so I don’t have to take the next step forward. If I focus on everyone else, then I don’t have to deal with personal issues. It’s easier that way. Most people do that, especially women. If I focus on everyone else, then I don’t have to focus on ME. I would like to give myself good things. But I get stalled-out instead of moving on down the road.
Suppose you quit what if-ing? Can’t you quit what if-ing? Of course you can. But you might not run out of excuses any time soon. If fact, WHAT IF you quit WHAT IF-ING? You’ll find that change happens…almost like magic. You will experience the miracle of change.
E-TYPE OR ME-TYPE? NEGATIVE FEELINGS OF A DISTRESSED EMPATHIZER
The examples below are of negative and inaccurate beliefs which are recognized as the Talk to Me© system is explored and utilized. The subsequent mirror list, flips the negative beliefs into positive and accurate beliefs. If you’re an E-type, I would highly recommend the wisdom of being a ME-type. (I-type Instigators know what I’m talking about here!) Which of these do you prefer to embrace?
1. I can’t get motivated.
2. I focus on the bad things.
3. I try to change what is beyond my capabilities.
4. I don’t try to change those things which I could.
5. I go to extremes in thinking, such as, “I won’t ever be able to do something like that!”
6. I focus on my fears, like I’ve always done before.
7. I can’t sleep.
8. I’m in limbo and just kind of existing.
9. I don’t like to go out of my comfort zone. I like to stay in my little box…even if I’m not happy.
10. I wonder how the future might be, but I predict bad and even horrible events in my life.
11. I haven’t made up my mind yet if I will give myself good things.
12. I’ve fallen backwards.
So drop the fear-driven excuses…for a change. Stay focused on what you can change, my dear E-types, instead of allowing your energy to be drained by strong people you know, who don’t want to change. Why is it harder than hell for E-types to focus on giving good things to the Self or ignoring those who aren’t bringing good things to life? Well, it isn’t…not when you use the “me-first” strengths of the Instigator communicator.
POSITALKING: THE TRUTH ABOUT ME IS…
Here’s how to change negative thinking into positive energy:
1. I can motivate myself any time I want to!
2. I prefer to focus on the positive things…PMA…I’m huge on positive mental attitude!
3. I abandoned trying to change others!
4. I focus on changing myself into a better person!
5. I don’t go to the extreme of blaming others for mishaps in my life!
6. I dropped my former modus operandi of using fear to energize me like the energizer bunny!
7. I allow myself deep sleep!
8. I take charge of my life and move forward!
9. I gladly step out of my comfort zone!
10. I predict a wonderful future for me!
11. I’ve made up my mind to allow myself to have good things!
12. I’ll continue to move forward!
WHICH WAY IS IT GOING TO BE?
Which way is it going to be for you? I-types are better at, “It’s all about me!” Are you sulking right now or ticked off that you can’t have it your way? You’re doing a good job of looking at both sides of Talk Street. There is a negative side and a positive side. Are you excusing yourself from taking positive action by living in the shadows of negativity? Nah…you’re focusing on what you can change…for a change!
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST, DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady walks, talks, and works on both sides of Talk Street, using the same innovative and results-driven communication system he developed, the TALK TO ME© effective communication system, and “street smart” Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone. Are you licensed to drive on the two-way communicator highway? Are you sending out positive messages and achieving effective relationship results from your virtual communicator table? Those communication strategies which are successful at work may not work as well at home, unless you live with your co-workers! You deserve to be a proficient communicator, and your talk partners deserve clear and concise communications from you. Consult this week with communications psychologist, Dennis O’Grady, by calling (937) 428-0724. Dr. O’Grady’s complete playbook of good talk, is called Talk to Me©, and is available at Amazon and through www.drogrady.com
I DON’T WANT TO GO THERE
By Dennis O’Grady
Closed-minded communication in couples or work dyads shut off teamwork and trust. It doesn’t have to be that way. When a talk partner says, “I don’t want to go there!” … you don’t have to go there either. Why go to extremes? Extreme either/or communication or You must agree with me or you’ll be punished isn’t useful when emotions run wild.
EXTREME COMMUNICATION MOVES THAT MISLEAD
Extremism in the form of threats and outlandish requests are meant to make you back off from expecting accountability and measuring promised results. Here are some ways strong-willed negative talkers get you off track:
1. PUNISHING that takes away time, attention, a good mood, or simple respect, sends the message that you’re bad and deserving of punishment. Example: “Well, if that’s how you’re going to be, then I don’t see how we can work this out.”
2. DRILLING occurs when you’re subjected to a series of penetrating questions that confuse the point you are trying to make. Example: “Wouldn’t you feel the same way if you were in my shoes?”
3. An act of DEFIANCE takes place when a counter-attack confronts a personal weakness in need of correction. Example: “Why can’t you let go of the past, for gosh sakes?!”
4. Seeds of DISSENTION are sown in the relationship field instead of seeds of trust and love. Example: “What’s that got to do with anything? You just don’t understand my side of the story.”
5. POWER ON CONTROL is employed when urgent emergencies or emotional psychodrama take the focus off uniting in agreement about prioritizing problem resolution. Example: “I’m too busy and stressed out to deal with all your stuff right now.”
6. HIDDEN AGENDAS are sneaky ways to exert control at the expense of a positive relationship. Example: “You wanted me to take charge of the money because we agreed you weren’t doing such a good job with it.”
7. When THE OTHER SHOE DROPS, promises to you are not kept, detracting from relationship predictability and stability. Example: “I know I told you I would be home at a certain time, but I got tied up, and I don’t have any control over that.”
9. FEARING leaves a gaping hole in logic — fear in the driver’s seat of your life — fearing loss so much, that in an attempt to control it, you actually bring loss to your life. Example: “I know you’re going to leave me if I speak up too forcefully.”
10. A TIME GAP results when one talk partner insists on living in a brighter past or future, thereby avoiding the present. Example: “I promise I’ll do better and get to it tomorrow.”
11. The RULE BREAKER exudes arrogance saying, “I’m set apart from the ordinary rules you mortals must follow.” Example: “Hey, I never said I was perfect, and rules were made to be broken.”
I don’t want to go there is a strange form of self- and relationship-detachment fueled by fear. I guess we don’t want to risk getting hurt that way, eh?
I DON’T WANT TO GO THERE…I DON’T WANT TO GO INTO THE SWAMP OF MY EMOTIONS
What does I don’t want to go there really mean? It typically implies this logic lapse:
I don’t want to go deeper into my emotions, because I will get lost in that swamp, and be eaten by bugs and worse, and never find my way out, and my bleached white sun dried bones will be found decades later by scientists, SO I don’t want to talk about it…I don’t want to go there…I don’t want to deal with this right now…I don’t have the energy or stamina to talk about it anymore…if you love and respect me you will leave me alone…NOW….Do as I say, not as I do.
I’ve always wanted to write like Dave Barry and sell like Steven King!
WITHOUT GOOD COMMUNICATION THERE IS A LEADERSHIP VACUUM
Without good communication, there is a love and leadership vacuum. If you aren’t the authority of your life, if you aren’t in the driver’s seat of your life, then who is? If you’re not in charge of the communication during emotionally stormy times, then who is? Going ahead slowly will save your skin every single time when you’re lost in an emotional swamp and the alligators are hungry.
THE SLIPPERY ROAD OF EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION
Talking to someone at the same rank or level as you, such as a peer, is tricky. Talking to someone one level above or below you, such as a boss or child, is doubly tricky. Talking to anyone about anything when one of you is emotionally charged up, is almost impossible. Haven’t you noticed? Things go into a tailspin quicker than you can hide under your desk, when the fissionable material of fearful emotions and cold logic slam together.
WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady is an effective relationship communication coach, communication keynote speaker and workshop leader who delivers individual and couples coaching, executive coaching, and corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. You can experience the benefits of his communication system directly by interacting with the 12 dimensions of the 2 communicator types (and switch among the 4 talk lanes when one is closed) in his book by the same title…. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone is available at http://www.drogrady.com and Amazon.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — November 23, 2007 @ 9:32 am