Untwisting Twisted Talking
Have you ever wished for the perfect comeback to bullying negatalking that stings your ego or hurts your feelings? Who hasn’t! Sure enough, talking can get all twisted up like knots on a shoelace and trip you up. But how do you untwist twisted talking that spins your brain and makes you feel drained? How do you stop someone from putting words in your mouth by using a Talk to Me© effective communication system tool that works?
PUTTING THE BRAKES ON BAD TALK
By definition, toxic communication is emotionally confusing communication. So all you have to do is fill in these blanks to make a decent comeback that will cool down hot tempers, keeping them from flaring up and scalding your face.
1. HEARING ______
2. MAKES ME FEEL _______
3. LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!
Just fill in the blanks and keep your voice tone low and level. Don’t even raise your volume. Calmly say what you’re hearing…calmly say what you’re feeling…calmly share what you want, which is simply your assertive request to change the topic.
A LIVE EXAMPLE OF COOLING DOWN WHEN TALKS HEAT UP
Here’s one “live talk” example of this standard comeback to unproductive negative talking:
1. HEARING ____ when you belittle my husband/wife/partner/friend…
2. MAKES ME FEEL _____ sad…or angry…or uncomfortable…or….
3. Let’s talk about something else!
COOLING YOUR JETS
Rude or disrespectful comments also can take your mood to supersonic speeds and disproportionate levels, making your mood go boom! Here’s another topical example:
1. HEARING ____ you say I’m too sensitive…
2. MAKES ME FEEL _____ frustrated.
3. Let’s talk about something else!
When a person without a psychology degree and license offers psychoanalytical critiques about your personal motives or character, it is an illegal turn or blame game on the two-way communication highway.
DON’T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH…DON’T JUST TALK…LISTEN TO ME
One new move is all it takes for you to cut right to the chase. By using this communication tool, you can put the brakes on bad talk driving habits and change directions when your communicator car is traveling down a dead-end road at breakneck speed.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship communications expert, inspirational keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and experienced couples and family counselor. For over 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book on positive and effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.
A MILLION DOLLAR COMMUNICATION SOLUTION
I promote in “Talk to Me” that Empathizers ought to adopt the strengths of Instigators, and the reverse. Here are some black-and-white ways my newly assertive E-typers are more upfront about their outstanding opinions which will benefit everyone:
1. I’m not good at stating my opinion right up front, but what I feel strongly we should do is…
2. This is my decision.
3. This is the way it is.
4. This isn’t about you.
5. Don’t be confused. I’m not asking for your help.
6. I don’t need suggestions or solutions to the problem.
7. I’ve worked out the answers that will get us down the road on this one.
8. There’s not room for debate.
9. I don’t appreciate your raising your voice with me or talking over me. It shuts me down.
10. I’ll ask for your help if and when I need it.
11. What would it be worth to you if my way is the right way to go?
12. My Achilles heel is that I want to hear others’ opinions, and include everyone’s input, before I give my opinion.
13. This is what I need now. This is what I need to be done.
I START BACKING DOWN…I START JUSTIFYING MY DECISIONS
Don’t start backing down or justifying your decision. Your decision is final and not open for negotiation. I-types will pounce on your apparent indecision every time. And they will make it about you, instead of the issue.
ARE YOU WRONG TO BE SO DIRECT?
Instigator communicators respect others who take a stand and won’t back down. I-types do love to debate, and are expert debaters, so unnecessary debating with an I-typer will make your communication foggy. Foggy communication you don’t need! You need to be a clear and direct communicator who sends the implied message, “I mean business!” After all, if you can fix a problem why act like you aren’t sure of what you’re doing?
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — August 27, 2007 @ 7:51 am