Do You Live By The Rules Of Negative Tapes?
GETTING AWAY WITH ENERGY MURDER
Do you live your life by the rules of negative tapes? Put differently, do you pour sand into your gas tank and expect your car (self) to function properly? If you’re feeling depressed, you’re bound to be talking to yourself in negative ways that strain you and drain others who feel concerned about you.
DO YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE BY THE RULES OF NEGATIVE TAPES?
Jake, a 60-something Inventer relationship communications client of mine, put it this way:
I feel low in energy. I blow off steam by talking negatively. I’m an expert at reducing the positive and magnifying the negative. I love control. And how do people feel about me? Well, I keep my positive thoughts and experiences to myself. People tend to feel concerned for me and a bit worried that I never have anything positive to say. Therefore, people go out of their way to act compassionately toward me. People go out of their way to meet my needs. People go out of their way to be responsive to me. Why? Because I’ll let you know all the negatives…and because I don’t share positive things, I will feel very comfortable and in control.
A metaphor for the energy of a negative communicator: You will be like the Uncle Remus tar baby that trapped Briar Rabbit….I will suck away your energy until you feel stuck with me.
THE PERSONAL NEGATIVE TAPED MESSAGES PLAYED TODAY
Jake told me he plays a rigid series of negative tapes or messages he learned in childhood, which he still uses today. Examples of the negative messages played in his mind:
You’ll never be any good.
You can’t do anything right.
You’ll never amount to anything.
You have to belong to the clean plate club.
Jake said pensively, “How am I supposed to erase these negative messages? Do I even want to change? After all, I am VERY comfortable and in control of my relationships.”
GETTING AWAY WITH ENERGY MURDER
Jake didn’t share positive things. Like clockwork, Jake verbally reduced the positives and magnified the negatives! Did he really understand what he was doing to you? You bet. Read on:
…I terrorize. I can be quiet and intense. I push away from others. I push away from others because I feel more comfortable. It’s been too comfortable. Nothing’s disturbed this perfect world I’ve created and control. I can give just a look and people are terrified. Simply giving a piercing stare causes others to cower, then stand at attention. I’m getting away with energy murder. I can stop whatever others are doing and make them pay attention to me. Nobody dares stand up to me and say: “Look, we’re not doing this anymore!” When I appear to be agonizing over something, people wonder and worry about me…and here comes all this free energy toward me.
Why go to such extremes to have control and rob others of their energy reserves, when doing so is sure to drive them away one day…just when you realize you need them?
DO YOU HAVE TO PROVE YOU’RE NO GOOD?
The conditioned parental belief of “You’ll never be any good!” results in destructive relationship behaviors…like making people respond to you because you appear to be in a bad mood, when you aren’t. How do you do it? Hide the positive and magnify the negative. Keep good thoughts to yourself. Push people away by controlling their energy or their will. Make people serve you…and resent being your own energy pawn. Do you live your life by the rules of negative tapes?
FEEL FREE TO BE YOUR “GOOD ENOUGH,” GENUINE SELF
How do you get out of this twisted cycle? Well, play new tapes that tell you:
-you don’t need to be in control of life
-that life isn’t supposed to always be cheery and comfortable
-that grief and loss aren’t unbearable
-that people ought to be permitted to give their energy to a relationship…instead of having their energy drained from the relationship.
In short, you don’t have to force others to like and love you. Easy now…it’s going to be all right from here on out.
DO YOU WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE OR DO YOU WANT TO ERASE NEGATIVE TAPES AND LIVE FREE?
Why would you want to make yourself uncomfortable? To let go of the neurotic need to control! “Aren’t I in control?” you ask. Nope, it’s all just an illusion! Do you have to sink so low that the only place to go is to go on or climb up? Realize this — you don’t have to control your relationships right out of existence. I know you’re not interested in doing THAT.
Do you really want to erase negative tapes and live free? You won’t be as comfortable, but you will feel happy, connected, and significantly closer to those around you.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head and inside your relationships. Negatively charged beliefs plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.
WHY DO COMMUNICATORS CLASH?
Why can’t get we all just get along? When you are cut off in talk traffic and you choose to revert to using non-verbal pointy-finger gestures, you publicly declare your Communicator I.Q. Are you clashing with a fellow co-communicator in work or family realms? Do you feel like the two of you are oil and water and just can mix or tolerate each other? Welcome to the talk club!
ROAD SIGNS OF POOR OR NO COMMUNICATION
Here are some common road signs of poor or no communication, signs that make you feel as if you’re stuck in one place grinding your gears…spinning your tires…and revving up your fears while going nowhere:
1. DETOURING DIFFERENCES. Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators have opposite strengths and complementary weaknesses, the clash of talk titans causes differences to detract or detour talks, and fiery crashes can result.
2. GRINDING GEARS. When you try to talk, you feel as if you’re talking to someone who speaks a different language, one who doesn’t listen with care or interest.
3. DENSELY UNAWARE. When you clash with a fellow communicator during foggy conditions, your fellow talk traveler may not pay attention, and thus “be not aware” of what’s really going on.
4. TRAFFIC JAMS. When talks get jammed up, you will try harder and harder (to no avail) to get through crowded talk intersections.
5. TERRORIFIC. As you fret and worry about getting to where you want to go on time, and the more you feel you stand to lose, the further down the road of frustration you will go…blaming others for your bad luck.
6. FACE SAVING. You “fib for the greater good” or tell white lies when tension is thick to save face; you claim that you’re not speeding when you are.
7. MIXED SIGNALS. This is when words and actions don’t match, and fantasy gets all mixed up with reality. For example, the “fantasy appearance” of working on things when the reality is quite different.
8. PERCEPTION MANAGEMENT. Putting footprints into the malleable sand or clay of the mind to promote your point of view at the expense of honesty and fairness. Thus, someone saying “I’m a good talk driver” may mean anything but.
9. CREDIT TAKER. Bad communication drivers take credit where credit isn’t due them, and they put on a good act or blow smoke to look good.
CLASHING VS. MESHING COMMUNICATION STYLES
The main fallout of clashing vs. meshing communication is that compromises aren’t reached, compromises that will benefit all and move everyone down the road where all want and need to go. Clashing communicators grind the gears in ear-slipping annoyance. Ugh! Do you feel like your point of view is run over by an angry driver? Then change your talk speed using the “Talk to Me” communication system.
ABOUT EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP COMMUNICATION KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND PERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS COACH DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is a Dayton region communications psychologist and organizational consultant who is the developer of the “Talk to Me” communication system. Dr. O’Grady’s third book is “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which boosts your mood and powers your professional business communications while being of positive benefit to your personal, marital and family communication relationships, too.
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — September 25, 2007 @ 7:29 am
BE THE REAL DEAL IN YOUR BUSINESS COMMUNICATIONS, TOO
I had to get my laptop computer fixed. As a small business guy, I have to make good decisions on the fly, and I don’t have deep pockets to absorb expensive mistakes if I do business with the wrong person. I’ve noticed that despite high-flying talk from people who want my business, many outfits live in the lowlands of broken promises and very poor customer service. In fact, many outside consultants don’t even ask for my business or act like they are doing me a favor by taking my money.
BE THE REAL DEAL IN POSITIVE BUSINESS COMMUNICATIONS
You’re the real deal though. In fact, vendors and customers may have a hard time believing you and may negatively think, “He or she is too good to be true.” But you’re a true, ethical and decent person, and you don’t want people to take advantage of you. You put into practice in your business communications many strategies that so many others preach from the pulpit but don’t live out in the real world:
1. YOU ASK AND LISTEN FOR WHAT YOUR CUSTOMER NEEDS. You don’t tell your customers what they need, but you listen to what they tell you about their problem and how you can help them.
2. YOU HONESTLY EXPLAIN HOW YOU CAN HELP THEM. You skip the jive talking and simply provide for your customer the facts of what needs to be done to solve their problem.
3. YOU DELIVER. Eureka! You actually do what you say you’re going to do!
4. YOU DELIVER ON TIME. It’s frustrating how many people don’t deliver in the time frame agreed upon with the quality of results promised.
5. YOU SMILE REASSUREDLY WHEN YOU TALK. You seek to deliver a positive mental attitude to your customers, most of whom are probably having a terribly frustrating day.
6. YOU DON’T MAKE THE CUSTOMER FEEL STUPID. All of us struggle with being ignorant in areas outside of our expertise when we have to depend on others’ knowledge to help us succeed. You seek to make your customer feel at ease in trusting their problems to you.
7. YOU DELIVER THE GOODS AT A FAIR PRICE. You don’t live or die by the amount of money you make — you want to provide a great product at a good price. Your customers will not only come back the next time they need your help, but they will serve as a source of referrals to their friends, your future customers.
8. YOU OFFER ADDITIONAL SUGGESTIONS TO IMPROVE THE LIFE AND WEALTH OF YOUR CUSTOMER. When a customer trusts you, they will ask for your suggestions and listen to additional ways to solve their embarrassing, pesky problems.
CONFIDENCE IS COMPETENCE
Business Rule #1: Showing an attitude of confidence makes your customers think you are competent. Now, of course, you had better BE competent if you expect your business to succeed. Overall, psychologically, customers don’t want to feel stupid, feel like an odd duck, lose security, or be humiliated by the unexpected ripping apart of their status quo. YOU are the answer to their problems, don’t you know. Do you want to feel confident, positioning your company and family for increasing levels of success…and make good money, too? Of course you do!
SHOCK YOUR CUSTOMERS BY GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT (LACK)
Do you understand your personal power as a communicator? It requires that you have confidence in yourself, and that you skip the inferiority complex business. It means, as an Empathizer communicator, that you affirm the multitude of your talents without shyness. And it means, as an Instigator communicator, that you realize people naturally trust your confidence and want to follow your call to go down open avenues of opportunity that don’t lead over a cliff.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.
Communications psychologist, corporate trainer and author Dennis O’Grady has a bone to pick with Empathizer communicators. Exude confidence. Feel confident. Show your confidence, for gosh sakes! Stop lying to yourself or others, implying that you don’t own a boatload of skills and talents for hire. When you exude a lack of confidence, others will assume you have a lack of skills, when the reverse is true. Why can’t you be more like Instigator communicators who know that this confidence talk rule rules in the business world? Well, now you can. In my book “Talk to Me,” clinical research has shown that E-types are too humble and hard on themselves, and they don’t talk the self up enough during business meetings. I-types are super-confident and exuberantly promise what they may or may not be able to deliver. Hear me ye E-types: Practice in your brain being more confident four minutes a day. For example, don’t deviate from questions–answer strong–to stop selling yourself short. Say inwardly, “I’m not afraid to show my confidence.” Or, “If I don’t have confidence in my skills, who should?” And, “Would I hire the unconfident person, a person with a little confidence or a person who exudes confidence, all other things being equal?” So, if you don’t have confidence in yourself, my beloved Empathizer-type communicator, then it’s nothing personal when no one else does. Exude the confidence of a person who gets things done. If you’re serious about doing this, spend time reading about the “Talk to Me” system that helps Empathizers increase their confidence in communicating confidently. Stop fretting about being picked on, critiqued harshly, or coming up short. You have a great deal of control over whether or not you get hired or fired. Daily build confidence in your professional and business communication skills. Lecture over…for now!
Comment by Dr. Dennis O'Grady — September 25, 2007 @ 7:46 am