Forgive yourself. You have been ignorant of those invisible concrete highway barriers that block good communication and send your communicator car spinning out of control into a ditch. Call the TALK2ME© tow truck! Empathizers and Instigators hold standard talk prejudices against their opposite type that are rarely consciously aired or examined. Have you attended a confident communicator driver’s education class? Which grudges do you hold against your opposite communicator type, half of whom are men and half of whom are women?
EMPATHIZER-TO-INSTIGATOR PREJUDICES
•    Overly confident/cocky (Sometimes, too cocky)
•    They don’t listen
•    Too blunt
•    Too direct; right in your face; they don’t beat around the bush; they don’t care
•    Quick to judge
•    Rush to judgment; act and react impulsively
•    If you are not going to improve, you are not for us. I’s would just throw you off the bus
•    Speak their mind before they think; no filtering
•    Unreasonable
•    Their way or no way; no compromise; don’t want to reason with you; really hard to bridge the gap; close-minded: My mind is made up, this is the way it has always been done; because I said so.
•    Arrogant: My way’s the right way – if you don’t like it, whatever. This is the way it is going to be. If you think you have a better solution, go do it yourself
•    Controlling: I’s think they are in control. They: don’t want anyone else to take the driver seat; want to take charge of every situation; think the place is going to go to hell if they are not there
•    Selfish: I put my concerns over yours. I could care less what you want to do.  I’m not going to think about you, it doesn’t even faze me that I threw your ideas to the curb
•    Instigator leaders are going to be uncomfortable in the passenger seat
•    Lack of Praise: No constructive feedback, point out who did what wrong, public humiliation. Praise should come with something extreme.  However, letting someone know that you are doing your job right…even if it isn’t extreme, just what you are supposed to do
•    Don’t include others: Needing to be in the driver seat, they want the spotlight, if they have the idea they are not going to include anyone else. Take on everything. Do not delegate…do not push leadership down
•    Forceful: Direct, if they want you to do something you have to do it. Iron Fist vs. Velvet Glove
•    Non-sympathizer: We are not going to feel sorry for you. Kick you to the curb and then back the bus over you
•    Lack of Interest: During a conversation they hear about the first 15 seconds, but after that they aren’t listening
•    Stubborn as a mule. Don’t change mind or directions easily.
INSTIGATOR-TO-EMPATHIZER PREJUDICES
•    Too Sensitive: A lot of emotions instead of logic
•    Doubt Self: Whipped before the game has even begun. I like more confidence. What do you have to be doubtful about, anyway?
•    Self-pity: Feeling sorry for self and blaming self for a bad situation. Sitting perching on a mile-high pity pot. Get over it and get going!
•    Indecisive: Can’t make a decision, they want to try and please you. Why be afraid to make a decision? Just make a decision quickly for once
•    Too Talkative: Just can’t get them to shut-up. There is something else that needs to be done. It is not accomplishing the end goal. We work in a time-sensitive business, when people are too social the job isn’t getting done
•    Too Wordy: When they are talking and talking and explaining too much I am thinking to myself what they could be doing toward getting the job done
•    Time Wasters: Time is money. E’s want to explain to you what happened last time, what is hard about it, what might not work in the future. I just want them to get the job done
•    Over/Out think themselves: Analysis paralysis. Over-thinking something, such as, if I say this to this person, what are they going to say back to me, what are they going to do
•    Worry warts: Worrying so much about what you say that you end up not even making a decision.  Playing too many mind games when really you just need to put something down and go with it
•    Perfectionists: It doesn’t have to be perfect it just has to be good enough
•    Doom and Gloom Forecasting: Thinking of problems that don’t exist that could possibly exist in the future
•    Inconsistent Mood: Because there is emotion involved you don’t know what sort of reaction you are going to get. One day they are positive, the next day they are not. We don’t know what mood they are in. You have to read them from the start.  It is going to be a good day or is it going to be a bad day
•    Too Emotional: Emotions need to be shelved and logic used. Results in communication and leadership inconsistency. E’s let the emotions play into the decision making process far too much
•    Can’t handle constructive criticism: Too thin skinned. Feels like walking on egg shells around them. E’s need to take criticism as constructive more often and use it to their advantage. Why always let emotions get in the way?
•    Not following map or path: We made the decision, we know which way, we are past the thinking stage, lets act on it. Get in the communicator car or walk!
•    Can’t prioritize correctly: Things are clearly black and white. When I’s see something to solve a problem they make a decision. If the decision is wrong another decision can be made down the road. Not making a quick decision is the definition of failure. It is real clear which one is most important.
•    Can’t see the forest for the trees: It is so obvious why can’t Empathizers get it?
•    Won’t speak up:  When it is something uncomfortable, something that might make someone upset. Not speaking up really causes problems, it might masquerade some real problems. No one says anything in the meeting and then they all huddle up after the meeting or come up to you after the meeting
•    No sense of urgency. When there is a task at hand, as an Instigator, I am all about getting it done NOW. We are going to lose out and miss opportunities, if we act like the Tortoise who is slow moving. Once there is a task to do, there is no sense to wait
•    Always the victim.
TALK SENSE IN THIS CROOKED WORLD
Instigators say Empathizers are victims, while Empathizers say Instigators are persecutors. Neither is true. Prejudices are negative perceptions that are false. Don’t allow them to do their dirty work on your team. You are smart to steer around those invisible concrete barriers that will crunch your communicator car on the two-way communicator highway and leave everyone cursing up a blue streak.

Talk Doc Dennis O’Grady is the developer and researcher of the revolutionary TALK2ME effective communication system. You may reach him at 937-428-0724.

If you want to relate to your opposite communicator type (Instigators vs. Empathizers) better, in order to get faster results that last, you must appeal to their talk style. Remember, one size communicator shoe doesn’t fit all!  What will make Instigators or I-types take you seriously if you are an E-type (or Empathizer) and trust and respect you (if anything will!)….

DON’T SOUND LIKE A CRICKET. Fire back. Speak loudly. Give your opinion even when unsure in confident tone of phone. This shows urgency and caring to I-types.
BE DECISIVE. Make a decision and get on with your day, rather than ruminating or re-visiting or thinking about it all day long. Being wishy-washy and indecisive forms a communication barrier that turns Instigators off cold.
PUSH BACK. Push back and interrupt. To an I-type, respect is debating and testing ideas out. Speak out. Speak up. Repeat yourself. Stand up for your ideas.
MANAGE YOUR MOOD. You are very competent, so do not allow your mood, which changes like the weather, tell you anything different. Set your mood tone to motivate and focus when you’re not feeling good. Bad moods put dangerous fog on the two-way communicator highway.
STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH. Time is money. Get to the point, already! Don’t fret about making mistakes which you can correct later on. No one will notice. Give off a sense of urgency. To I-types, time is money, and use of time instills self-worth.
ACT CONFIDENTLY. Speak up. Volunteer to do what you think might not be possible. Exude confidence when you are feeling low. Project a sense of urgency in your voice tone. Move in large movements and take up physical space. Use “lion” eye contact. Be the I-type who says, “Do something…right or wrong…just do something NOW!”
CORK THE EMOTIONAL VOLCANOES. Let go of the past. There is a time and season to forget about a past relationship and to push forward to the next change destination. Forgive the person. Stop dwelling and selling yourself doom and gloom. Get on down the road. Get ‘er done! E-types are experienced as “emotional volcanoes, “holding resentments non-verbally until it’s too late to hold back any longer. Then the explosion occurs, and the lava flows and shock waves are sent thoughout the I-type world. Then, the I-type lament: “It came out of the blue. I didn’t see it coming!”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the researcher and developer of the TALK2ME SYSTEM that works wonders with little effort. 937-428-0724.

When a boss and subordinate impact each other equally and respectfully, servant leadership is in motion and is clearly demonstrated. What are the characteristics of the leader servant poster child?

A Servant Leader:
•    is a level character.
•    normally does not demonstrate peaks and valleys of moods.
•    thinks clearly in agitating situations.
•    is a calming force.
•    is a great listener who listens closely.
•    utilizes toughness and sincere affection: If he’s in your face you’ve really done something wrong.
•    goes out of his/her way to make something right.
•    is likable.
•    is one whom people like to work with and go the extra mile for.
•    is accountable: Walks the talk.
•    is responsible: Gets great results.
•    does everything well.
•    learns from others.
•    is a trust builder.
•    is a mood maker.
•    gives respect to everyone.
•    closes the gap between doing well and doing even better.

TO LEAD IS TO SERVE…EVERYBODY HAS A CHANCE TO LEAD EVERY SINGLE DAY

“ The epitome of servant leadership is when the subordinate leads the boss, and there’s no confrontation in it. To quote Jim Hunter, ‘Character is our moral maturity, which is our willingness to do the right thing even when – perhaps especially when – it costs us something. In fact, I am not sure it can be an act of character unless it costs us something.’ (p. 144 The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, James C. Hunter, 2004.)

EVERYBODY HAS A CHANCE TO LEAD EVERY DAY.  IF YOU COME INTO CONTACT WITH ANOTHER PERSON, YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO LEAD, AND THAT TAKES LEADERSHIP TO A WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL.”

‘Talk Doc’ psychologist Dennis O’Grady leads enlightening and enlivening workshops on The Responsibility of Leadership Utilizing The Talk2Me© System. Dennis is available at 937-428-0724.

When working with teenagers in trouble, I often ask them to make a list of the traits that make up an optimistic vs. a pessimistic person. As you know, mood dictates reputation, attitude altitude, opportunities realized, leadership discipline, and many, many more very cool life outcomes.

MOOD AMPLIFIED BY 10

This teen was 14 and an Instigator-type introvert, or ITI, nicknamed an Inventor in the TALK2ME system. Inventors amplify their mood and the mood of others by 10. In an optimistic climate, that’s optimism times 10. In a pessimistic climate, it’s pessimism times 10. No middle ground or in-between. My job was to convince this teen to travel down Optimism Road. Which road are you traveling on today, by the way?

AN OPTIMIST

Do you walk the talk of optimism? Here’s the awesome list of an optimist our teen devised:
•    Thinks of others
•    Honest
•    Trustworthy
•    Honors self and others
•    Good reputation
•    Always there to help
•    Always 100%
•    Faithful
•    Has respect for others and for self
•    Helps charities
•    Always appears to be happy
•    Makes others happy
•    Never judges others
•    A good role model
•    Friendly
•    Takes responsibility for self
•    Never takes the easy way out
•    Acceptance of self and others
•    Someone to count on
•    Never disobeys authority
•    Intelligent
•    Helpful
•    Dependable

MOOD DECISION TIME

Are you going to zoom with a positive mood or create doom with a negative one? “I want these traits that my grandpa showed, to carry on through me,” said our teen. What a great honor. Now it’s your turn to decide what kind of leader you will become.

About Dr. Dennis O’Grady

Talk Doc Dennis O’Grady is the researcher and developer of the TALK2ME© communication system that has been tested and proven in private practice, corporate settings, and executive leadership applications.

On the way to creating a Team Talk communication habits questionnaire, I asked leaders across multiple areas this question: What deters effective teamwork? The typical Empathizer-type leadership viewpoint is that lack of communication detours travel on the two-way communicator highway…. (In contrast, Instigator leaders believe lack of action detours problem solving.)

6 GOOD TEAM COMMUNICATION HABITS – EMPATHIZER STYLE

An Empathizer viewpoint of the enlightened team…

1. Purpose – goals – combined efforts
2. 2-way listening
3. Open talks
4. Honesty
5. Transmitting factual information
6. Open-mindedness from prejudices

…are the tall broadcasting stations of stellar communication that broaden our horizons.

WHAT DETERS EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION? LACK OF COMMUNICATION!

What our Empathizer team member and leader specifically had to say…

“Without communication, nothing else is possible. Team members cannot organize and combine their efforts. They cannot know what their roles are within the team. They cannot understand what their purpose is or what their goals are.

One deterrent to open, honest, clear communication is an unwillingness to listen. Unless one is willing to listen, one cannot receive information. We are all equipped with senses to receive information: ears to hear, eyes to see, noses to smell, fingers and skin with which to feel, tongues with which to taste. Willingness to listen means that we must allow others to speak.

Another deterrent to open, honest, clear communication is an unwillingness to talk. Unless one is willing to talk, one cannot transmit information. We are all equipped with means to transmit information: mouths to speak, eyes to blink or wink or roll, hands with which to sign or gesture, arms and legs which can be crossed or opened wide or swept in grand gestures. Our willingness to speak provides the opportunity for others to listen.

Communication is a two-way process. Without the willingness to give each team member the opportunity to speak, we will not hear what they have to say…and, we must listen actively – not merely give the appearance of listening. If we are not willing to give each team member the opportunity to listen, we will not say what he or she must hear.

Biases, prejudices, and pre-conceived notions also hinder communication, and ultimately, effective teamwork. When we uncritically filter our communications through the cloudy glass of biases, prejudices, and pre-conceived notions, the result is a muddled, diffuse aura of information. We can begin to compensate for their effects on our communications only when we are aware of the filters we carry with us, and how they influence our communications.”

THE CHOICE IS YOURS

Want to make a strong….smart…confident…team fly?

Empathizer Talk Team Winning Habit: Our willingness to speak provides the opportunity for others to listen.

Instigator Talk Team Winning Habit: Our willingness to listen provides the opportunity for others to speak.

In sum, without communication, nothing else is possible. With communication, anything is possible. The choice is yours.

EXCELLENCE IN COMMUNICATION

Everyone profits by traveling on the two-way communicator highway of Empathizer and Instigator communicators. What is your communication style? How do you avoid accidents on Communication Highway? How do you maximize your strengths and minimize your weaknesses to get positive results when the chips are down and the pressure is on? In his customized and interactive Talk Team workshops, Dr. Dennis O’Grady will help your team focus on how to be excellent communicators in both business and personal relationships.  To learn more, talk directly with Dr. Dennis O’Grady at 937-428-0724.

“It all boils down to good communication…always has and always will…”