Dr. Dennis O'Grady

http://ejpquotes.blogspot.com/2005/05/change-is-inevitable-growth-is.html

How do you express a complaint about something you would like to see changed without sending the conversation in a totally different direction or tripping over your own words? How do you talk through a resentment so that you can stop stewing about it? How do you speak up assertively and provide vital negative feedback without ending up in a ditch by ‘jive talking’? In truth, what you say should move talks forward, not stall them out or fuel a heated debate.

MISCOMMUNICATING…WE HAVE A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

Like bad driving, negative talkers miscommunicate in patterned ways that make it all but impossible to solve problems and bring about productive change. My now, don’t we all have an awful lot of excuses to avoid the work of personal change and effective communication?

YOU CAN CLEAN UP YOUR SIDE OF THE TALK STREET

But you can clean up your side of the talk street because open communication is in your hands 50% of the time. Indeed, there are effective ways you can “talk back” respectfully to a co-communicator who tries to drive you off the two-way communication highway by honking, distracting you verbally or resorting to petty annoyances that honk you off. When someone else detours your efforts at facilitating communication, you walk away feeling as if you’ve made the same complaint for the 1,000th time to ears that are plugged with cotton.

TALKING BACK ASSERTIVELY

Let’s walk through the process of “talking back assertively” to someone who typically derails the conversation. Let’s pretend you are talking back in straight ways to the following six crooked transactions: (more…)

Communication requires concentration. There is no greater compliment than turning over your entire attention to another human being. Tuning in means your mindset is going to be challenged – maybe even changed by the speaker. By listening before speaking, you are able to absorb how your co-communicator is feeling and reasoning. Overall, positive communication encourages you to overcome negative emotions and ideas that keep you grounded on the runway of productive, meaningful talking.

ALL TIED UP IN EMOTIONAL KNOTS?

You can’t be tied up in emotional knots and listen carefully at the same time. Here are seven sure ways to have your opinion digested, not debated, especially during important business negotiations:

1. Back up when you’ve been interrupted.
Don’t take on others’ frustrations by allowing loads of interruptions. Why? By the time you’ve been interrupted or over-talked, your previous three sentences have fallen on deaf ears. The message has been lost in all the roar and noise! What to do after you take a few deep breaths and wait patiently until the interrupter is finished? Repeat your points again before addressing their viewpoints. Some people interrupt frequently to dodge issues they won’t address or to avoid the heart of the matter.

2. Repeat your basic mission over and over (and over) again.
Make sure that everyone knows why you are doing what you are doing and why what you are doing is of benefit to the people involved in the talks. Your responsibility is to speak in a clear and orderly fashion, highlighting what is important to remember and what isn’t. What should you do when “team talking” still doesn’t take hold? Stick to your agenda without getting all tangled up in annoyances or others who want to steal your energy.

3. Tell a fun story to garner new insights.
Suppose nothing’s working and you’re not getting your message across. Suppose tensions keep mounting instead of dissipating. Then what? Telling a funny story or a pithy metaphor can help break through the stalemate or ease the tension. Take the risk of disclosing something that pokes fun at yourself, especially if it’s relevant to the topic at hand. Sometimes, I’ll pour water into a glass nearby and use that as an example to explain how some people see the glass as half full while others see it as half empty – even though both are true because the amount of water is the same. This kind of intervention nips the infernal debate that there is only one right way to view difficult situations. Stories appeal to the intuitive side of the brain that has creative solutions to concrete problems.

4. Verify that your real message has been received.
Be a generator of questions as much as you are a provider of information. Ask point-blank: “What unforeseen problems do you expect from this plan?” “In your experience, what is being overlooked that could undermine our positive goals?” “In your opinion, tell me what roadblocks will prevent this plan from succeeding?” “What are we overlooking or leaving out that will be sure to cause unexpected future problems?” Feel free to tap the wisdom of your team by looking equally and starkly at the negative as you do the positive.

5. Don’t be afraid–calm yourself down when tensions mount.
Stress makes co-communicators stop listening to what you are saying and go inside themselves for an inner chat. Try to empathetically spot signs of growing frustration. Averted glances, clenched jaws, sighs, fidgeting, shyness, placating behaviors, staring off into space or being grouchy are all symptoms of a growing resistance to change. Great communicators get great results and compromises from using unspoken tension and conflict constructively. Take a five-minute break. Ask everyone to stand up and stretch or take a few deep breaths. Sometimes, simple things can make a huge difference.

6. Respond assertively to dodges such as “Yes, but…” or other inventive distractions.
Welcome nay-sayers to sit at your communicator table. Contrarians often speak of issues that others are thinking about but are ducking because they’re too timid or afraid to confront what’s really important. It’s pretty easy to tell when your best-laid plans are being rejected. Just listen for these defensive comebacks: “Yes, it’s a good idea BUT…” “You probably don’t want to hear this BUT…” “I can tell you’ve thought this through pretty carefully BUT…” “Your enthusiasm is contagious BUT…” When your best advice has been BUTTED, give the speaker the benefit of hearing your input one more time, but deliver it back to them in their own voice. Confidently ask, “What did you hear me say we could best do to handle this situation?”

7. Think happy thoughts.
Life stinks. You can control only what input you give to the problem-solving process. You don’t want co-communicators to agree with you publicly but disagree with you privately. Thus, be the best listener in town in order to travel new avenues of change. Be happy whether you get your way or not. Frustration is the natural result of blocked communication and missed opportunities. Find ways to get around, under or over roadblocks to productive talking. When talk fizzles, choose to be content and happy, no matter what.

COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY AND EFFECTIVELY TODAY–BE THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE

Great communicators are lifelong students of positive communication tools. Effective communication takes you all the way to the finish line, whether you amble along like the proverbial Tortoise or hop along like the agile Hare. Become a positive communicator today. Our world needs you now more than ever.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

Even after three decades as a professional counselor, I’m always amazed that some people still are reluctant to talk to a counselor. In fact, why is it that some people think nothing of hiring a personal trainer to help them stay in physical shape but wouldn’t consider a “communications coach” to help them through a difficult personal period or phase.

WHEN TO HIRE A COMMUNICATIONS COACH OR PERSONAL/RELATIONSHIP COUNSELOR

If personal trainers are all the rage, why aren’t personal psychological trainers? Counselors have access to a whole ship of tools and tips to help people communicate better and maneuver the seas of change in their lives. And many insurance companies are happy to support your growth by paying for the services they know will lighten your stress.

SO HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU NEED THE HELP OF A PROFESSIONAL?

So how do you know when counseling can help? How do you know when it’s time to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment with a psychologist, social worker, therapist or counselor?

Consider meeting with a communications coach or personal counselor:

1. If there is a major change, good or bad, in your life.

Major life events can affect us more than we think. If you’ve gotten a big job promotion or are going through/have gone through a divorce, for example, counseling can help you adjust more confidently to these changes. “Change happens!” is the motto of these times of flux. Because whether we like it or not, change often happens rapidly or unexpectedly, and sometimes the next challenge or change may present itself before you’ve absorbed the last change or had time to adapt. Heck, I even remember when the world operated on manual typewriters and carbon paper…and there was no such concept as the Internet!

2. If there is a stress pattern that haunts you across time.

Counseling or coaching can help you sort through causes, triggers and put an end of self-defeating patterns if you keep getting stuck in the same old ruts. Perhaps you’ve noticed a pattern in your life of quitting before you finish major projects, or changing relationships in mid-stream only to find yourself back in the same soup again. Maybe you experience unexplained physical problems, or maybe you drink, drug, work or think too much. Maybe you feel as if you never are able to accomplish what you want most, or you repeat the same blunders despite your best intentions. If you want to stop those or other patterns, consider counseling.

3. If there is a depression, uneasiness or anxiety that won’t go away.

Some people aren’t quite sure what’s bothering them, but they are convinced something is wrong. Respect these intuitions that bubble up into your conscious awareness. A counselor can help you sort through the mud and muck of confused thinking to get at the root of what’s bothering you. There are reasons for every distress, even if you are not aware of them at the time. Counselors and family communications coaches are best at “digging up the truth.”

4. If you doubt your adequacy or self-esteem and need a boost in confidence.

Everyone in life shares many of the same struggles, but most people think that they’re the only one who’s ever experienced their specific problem. Problems are solvable with teamwork! A counselor or communications coach can assure you that nothing is wrong and help you normalize your painful experience. You may even have heard someone who has gone through counseling say, “I wasn’t told something I didn’t already know, but it was nice to confirm with someone else that what I’m struggling with is normal and I’m coping better with it all.” That type of confirmation alone can ease your mind when you feel as if you’re losing it.

5. If there is a child or teenager who is experiencing stress and strain for no obvious reason.

Because they’re often vulnerable and open, children and teens often sense a family problem before the adults know about it. If your child shows a quick temper or lethargy, or any other type of unusual behavior, it may be an expression of some pain in the family that is not being talked about. A counselor can help tell if it is a child/teen problem or a couple/family problem. Likewise, if you’re having trouble with your children/teens, counseling can often help you sort out what’s causing the problems and help you figure out what to do next.

6. If there is too much distance, quietness or stewing in your partnership or marriage.

Be concerned if you never have an argument with your partner or mate, and be just as concerned if you are always on edge and arguing. Much anxiety, aggravation and dysphoria (feeling blue) stems from relationship distress interacting with personal dissatisfaction. Often we are most afraid of change in our most intimate relationships. Resisting positive changes and being non-communicative smashes the crystal vase of your love to smithereens. A positive partnership or marriage is the best antidote to unpredictable life stressors that catch us off guard.

7. If you are curious about the counseling process.

We all are wise to use many professional consultants, from tax advisers to teeth advisers. It is more common than ever that a family communication consultant or counselor is on par with a family doctor or dentist for good family health. A skilled communications psychologist can be a lifelong friend to your family and ease the many tough transitions you might go through by knowing your family’s unique history.

TALK TODAY BECAUSE TALK WORKS

Word-of-mouth is still a great way to get connected to a positive counselor or a change management and communications coach.

Ask your friends, coworkers, colleagues and family members if they can recommend a good counselor or psychologist. Don’t be fooled by titles. Competent “counselors” include psychologists, counselors, social workers and more-they are all the talk doctors, not the pill doctors (doctors who can prescribe medications are psychiatrists).

At the end of your first 45-minute evaluation meeting, you should have a very good sense of what counseling is like, whether the counselor thinks you could benefit from counseling and why, and have a clear set of positive goals to help guide future discussions and change.

WHY NOT FEEL BETTER FAST?

You will feel better by the end of the first meeting. Of course, you also may find that you don’t really need counseling or the particular type of counseling this counselor specializes in. For example, initially you may have gone to a child psychologist for a concern about a child’s lack of motivation in school, but soon learn that you (and your spouse/partner) need more helping on how to set effective limits as parents. It is the counselor’s job to guide you to the right resource.

DO YOU DISLIKE CHANGE? ARE YOU A ‘CHANGE RESISTER’?

In any group of people, there are a few I call “change resisters.” They actually believe the saying, “It’s not my fault because I don’t have a problem.” I believe the people who have the biggest problems are those who believe they are perfect and have not a single problem in the world.

Consider accessing counseling today! Why not treat yourself to positive life changes instead of getting white knuckles because you’re hanging in there by just surviving and trying to hang on to your grip by your fingernails.

RESOURCES TO HELP

Helpful, state-of-the-art ideas on counseling children, teens, adults or conquering relational distress can be found at these sites: www.apa.org and www.drrobertbrooks.com

“They’re driving me crazy!” is the judgmental outcry of someone who is losing both the communication battle and the war.

But when you get right down to it, only YOU have the right to drive yourself crazy. Are you unduly upsetting yourself by doing too good of a job at worrying today?

YOUR MENTAL REAL ESTATE IS PRICELESS

Personally, I do a great job of worrying, and I challenge anyone to match my finesse at making myself miserable when I believe stressful life events are spinning out of my control. I’m also hesitant about giving an antagonist “a piece of my mind” because my mental real estate is priceless.

But some people truly have learned how to be world-class worrywarts. (In my case, I even worry about how much I worry–which has a double-whammy effect by bringing my mood down AND keeping my nerves constantly and chronically frayed).

Why would anyone put themselves in a vise of stress? Why would people upset themselves unnecessarily? What can you do to quell the worries that are running away with your mind?

“WHY” YOU WORRY

The core problem: The harder you try to make worry go away, the stronger your worries become. Worry is a negative inner voice that promises and beguiles you: “If you can’t control certain situations and if you can’t control events or people-worrying (me) is the way to go.”

PUTTING YOURSELF IN A VISE OF STRESS?

The absolute best way to make yourself anxious is to ask huge unanswerable questions like these when you feel life events, others’ actions or interpersonal communications have spun out of your control:

• WHY did it happen?
• WHY did this happen to me?
• WHY does this always have to happen to me?
• WHY do I worry so much?
• WHY doesn’t life go the way I think it should?
• WHY do I feel crazy?
• WHY do I keep doing this to myself?
• WHY can’t I stop worrying?
• WHY can’t I let go of needing to change others?
• WHY can’t I accept the way things are?
• WHY can’t I let go of being so negative?
• WHY can’t I just be happy?

Why keep playing old worry records that have lots of needle scratches. Why keep listening to worry-filled scripts in our heads that sound like fingernails on a chalkboard? You don’t really believe that worrying makes you have any more control over life, unchanging difficult people or of stress events, do you?

WHY YOU WORRY: PART II

A few of the emotional and mental impacts on asking unanswerable “WHY…” questions:

1. You frustrate and overwhelm yourself because BIG questions don’t really have satisfying answers. Funny example: “Why wasn’t I born a different gender, into a different family, in a different country, in a better historical period?”

2. You generate worry-laden energy when you repetitively talk negatively to yourself. Example: “Why didn’t I get that job/date/promotion that I wanted? Is fate against me? Am I being punished? Why doesn’t life ever turn out the way I think it should? Why don’t nice guys/gals ever finish first?”

3. You will take blame on your shoulders. Example: “Well, it must be my fault! I suppose I deserved this to happen. If I were a better person, this wouldn’t have happened.”

4. Blaming yourself blows your change chances. Blame focuses your mind on what you can’t change, and keeps you from focusing on taking control of what you can-namely your brain activity that includes positive goals that are easy to materialize. Blame is like holding onto an anchor and trying to swim across the ocean.

5. Superstitious thinking is encouraged and escalated. Fear loves to reproduce itself, but fear fears facts. When fear is the focus, you will bargain with yourself, others and God – and in the process, you’ll unwisely and passively expect the protection of angels instead of taking matters into your own hands to change things.

6. You will undermine happy, content, confident and satisfied feelings. Since worry is a concoction of fear, fear wants you to be unhappy, unsatisfied and disconnected in your relationships and be all riled up with nowhere to go. Although you aren’t alone, you alone have the power to stop thinking obsessively and behaving negatively.

WORRYING MAKES POSITIVE CHANGES SLIP RIGHT THROUGH YOUR FINGERS LIKE SAND

Well, you get the gist. When you blame yourself through a worry pattern, the positive changes you do seek and have control over slip right through your fingers like sand. When you become consumed by self-inflicted worry that feeds on itself, a pessimistic or downer mood is inflicted upon you. Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies!

INNER-PERSONAL WORRY SELF-TALK

The worry self-talk: “If I can’t control certain situations, I can at least have control over worrying myself to death — which is the only way I feel in control.” The challenge for change: TO accept that it’s O.K. in your world not to have control over life events or to have all of the answers all of the time. After all, higher powers are not going to make you stop worrying when it is fully in your power to do so.

CORRECTIVE POSITIVE “SKULL TALK”

So how can you talk some sense to yourself for a change? How can you feel comfortable when life’s big questions don’t have any ready or simple answers?

1. Sarcastically say: “Why am I asking myself WHY questions that don’t have answers but do such a great job of driving me crazy?”

2. Get feisty in your inner skull talk, and say: “I can break this pattern of driving myself crazy and upsetting myself unnecessarily!”

3. Remind yourself: “The cost of worrying is to make myself unhappy and make myself forget to do all those little important things that will make me feel happier!”

4. Be kind to yourself, say: “This bad habit may not be as hard to break as I imagine it to be! My goal is to reduce my level of worrying by half today. I will set aside only five minutes to worry myself past death. After that, no more worrying for today.”

5. Be true to yourself, say: “I can accept the way things are.” “I can stand being disappointed or feeling at a loss.” “Other people don’t have to change in order to make life easier on me.” “I refuse to worry myself about those things I cannot control!” “Just because I do such a great job of worrying, doesn’t mean I have to do it so much!”

NO WORRIES MATE

You can let go of trying to control the outcome of life events that you can’t control by worrying. Why worry? After all, worry won’t make you feel safer, care more, change faster or help others stop driving you nuts.

Worn out with worry? No worries mate. Nothing bad’s going to happen, anyway.