Tools2Use

Roadmaps to the TALK2ME© System

Are You A Negative Communicator?

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What exactly is a negative communicator?

A negative communicator feels negatively-thinks negatively-acts negatively-talks negatively. Poor vs. rich communication results from the fear of feeling hurt and the fear of feeling too excited by the changing landscape of life.

Following are the typical booby traps of a negative communicator that you must first recognize and then step around to keep yourself traveling steadily on the communications highway.

THE BOOBY TRAPS OF A NEGATIVE COMMUNICATOR

In short, a negative communicator:

1. Plays blame games
A negative communicator blames you for their projected beliefs and tells you what a bad person you are.

2. Escalates emotions
A negative communicator promotes negative emotions by escalating already tense or difficult situations. It’s like pouring gasoline on a brushfire to make it flame up, only negative communicators do it to stoke irrationality, seize control and snuff out logic.

3. Loves psychodrama
A negative communicator promotes self-created crises and relationship conflicts in order to alleviate boredom and provide a sense of fleeting life meaning.

4. Recites the “poor me” storyline
A negative, “poor me” communicator snipes and insinuates with one-liners like, “You get what you want and I get nothing, so you owe me and I own you.”

5. Stirs the pot
A negative communicator stirs the pot, and stirs up everyone else, to gain a feeling of importance without solving anything important. A pot-stirrer behaves in provocative ways to set off the fireworks of power plays.

6. Snipes
A negative communicator can’t get a grip. A negative communicator gripes, grumbles, snaps, snipes and snips like a pair of scissors or some bitter old married couple. One-liners and “zingers” are his/her specialty.

7. Is a guilt albatross
Just when you think you’re sailing along smoothly, a negative communicator kills the messenger and the message. The goal is to put you in the middle of a big emotional hurricane.

8. Is a gut-ripper
A negative communicator emotionally guts you to contain the emotions that are spilling out of him/her.

9. Spins your head
A negative communicator will talk circles around you and make your head spin in order to contain his/her painful emotions.

10. Slings manure
A negative communicator slings mud but loses ground. A negative communicator tosses you crap that you ought to flush down the drain and forget.

11. Lectures you
A negative communicator gives the same tired lecture 1,000 times while you look on yet again, bored and angry.

12. Gets even
A negative communicator keeps score and tries to even a hurt score with the warped thinking that “what goes around comes around.”

NEGATIVE TALKING ALIENATES YOUR CO-COMMUNICATORS

“Negative talking” angers and alienates co-communicators with “I’m right because you’re wrong!” blame-filled gestures on a one-way communications highway. I believe negative communication shouldn’t be a talk accident waiting to happen. Make negative talks an exception to your talks that rule your day.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist, executive coach and leadership development and relationship improvement consultant from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

Are You A Positive Communicator?

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What exactly is a positive communicator?

A positive communicator feels positively-thinks positively-acts positively-talks positively. Positive communication results from the hope of feeling emotionally connected and the excitement of enjoying a fulfilling relationship.

Following are the typical characteristics of positive communicators. Unlike negative communicators, positive communicators are like the welcome mats that wipe away the mud of the day from your shoes.

POSITIVE COMMUNICATORS WELCOME OPEN DIALOGUE

In short, a positive communicator:

1. Knows and practices empathy
A positive communicator seeks first to see a tough situation through the eyes of the speaker in order to de-escalate negative emotions and game playing.

2. Acts as a good listening post
A positive communicator asks a multitude of open-ended questions and shows active interest in the process.

3. Improves him/herself
A positive communicator pursues personal growth and develops awareness by hiring psychological, health, interpersonal communications and spirituality consultants.

4. Engages in dialogue
A positive communicator believes in back-and-forth communication and seeks anyone’s opinions, no matter how big or small the role they play in any communication situation.

5. Knows that knowledge is power
A positive communicator makes time to read good books, listens to self-improvement tapes and gets a grip on important new concepts that keep the mind on the right track. A positive communicator is always willing to learn more to better one’s self.

6. Is compassionate
A positive communicator knows that good talks are possible when other speakers are treated with compassion and respect in a way that gives them a sense of worth.

7. Focuses on goals
A positive communicator is motivated primarily by an intensive desire to understand other speakers without distractions or interference. Likewise, a goal-focused communicator understands that if frustration and roadblocks occur, more empathy and common sense is required.

8. Is gut-reassuring
A positive communicator understands that all people talk with their heads and their guts. But most importantly, a positive communicator understands that balancing head talk with heart talk can be a reassuring force when wild emotions break out of the corral that surrounds the heart-mind.

9. Pursues sane drama
A positive communicator reveals the self instead of concealing or hiding the self. Instead of stirring the pot and making things worse, the positive communicator adds to the pot to make the soup better.

10. Works hard at communication
A positive communicator puts in the hard work necessary to build a healthy relationship. The result is gratitude and personal enrichment for everyone involved in the relationship.

11. Adopts a pattern of healing
A positive communicator doesn’t pursue long, drawn-out communication patterns that hurt others, divide others or drives wedges between positive people.

12. Employs a “Can we talk?” attitude
A positive communicator apologizes readily for his or her role in mistaken identity, miscommunications or lame blame games. Excuses and rationalizations (”change-excuses” or “psycho-excuses,” I call them) are not allowed, ever.

POSITIVE TALKING IS A TWO-WAY COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY

“Positive talking” is a two-way communication highway that does not come easy, but it is very easy to learn. I believe effective positive communication should not be a fluke. Make positive talks a routine part of your work and family relationships today.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist, executive coach and leadership development and relationship improvement consultant from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

Success Talk

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I love to read this meditation on success when I’m ending a workshop on managing communication and coping with change. I wrote it for people who are eager to climb the ladder of success–and for myself when I feel a bit lost, lonely or like a loser.
Imagine that these words are being read to you by a soothing inner voice. Let the words describe what being a successful person steeped in self-esteem might mean to you and me:

SUCCESS MEANS: Self-respect. Standing up for important values. Putting people first. Placing more stock in feelings than reasons. Being genuine in the face of any temptation to be phony.
Success means being a real person.

SUCCESS MEANS: Taking time. Taking time to think about and meet your needs. Taking time to be a creative problem-solver. Accepting reassurances when you are hurting and not passing along blame. Being open to growing and learning new things on a daily basis.
Success means being as brave as you can be in the face of discouragement.

SUCCESS MEANS: Falling flat on your face and getting up again. Trying something different, even when you feel you can’t. Talking openly instead of pushing your point down a closed throat. Communicating rather than just talking.
Success means telling the whole truth.

SUCCESS MEANS: Giving more than is required to get a good evaluation. Keeping your promises. Playing the business game in straight ways. Setting your positive goals carefully. Adding your own special, personal flair to whatever you do.
Success means being assertive.

SUCCESS MEANS: Taking the hard road instead of the fast track. Helping yourself to heaps of helpful feedback. Receiving support when you are suffering from a serious setback. Spearheading your own sincere causes.
Success means making all of your wishes come true.

SUCCESS MEANS: Complimenting anyone and everyone with whom you come into contact. Nurturing yourself by being the most positive person you can be. Solving problems, instead of passing them on to the next gal or guy. Turning down easy money that is bound to make you feel guilty.
Success means nurturing what is right and good.

SUCCESS MEANS: Crying when you are hurt. Eating when you are hungry. Loving the people who love you back. Avoiding those people who find you boring or who hate your guts.
Success means respecting your needs for positive emotions, thoughts, deeds, talks.

SUCCESS MEANS: Laughing loud belly laughs and being able to laugh at yourself. Telling the type of joke that puts everyone in a good light. Really loving your time on this planet.
Success means loving the mystery and serendipity of it all.

SUCCESS MEANS: Always remembering your roots. Putting people and quality relationships ahead of fame and fortune. Diving down deep into the wellsprings of your strengths.
Success means being the best person you are capable of being.

SUCCESS MEANS: Always reaching toward the stars. Accepting help from angels. Staying away from devils. It means loving your parents and forgiving them the error of their ways, as they forgive yours. Coming to know your weaknesses and not repeating them for all eternity.
Success means the freedom to learn, grow and change today.

SUCCESS MEANS: Being thankful for all you have. Being thankful for all you’ve been taught. Learning to change big weaknesses into mighty assets. Always taking the time to thank God, when you have lost the habit.
Success means highlighting the good times.

SUCCESS MEANS: Respecting the little guy/gal and the big shot equally. Doing the right thing even when it hurts or may prove to be the wrong move for your career. Making good choices that sometimes feel bad and avoiding bad choices that may feel awfully good.
Success means being proud to be a person whose handshake is more binding than a legal document.

SUCCESS MEANS: Keeping hope when hope is slim. Validating all the hard work that it took to get where you are. Enjoying your travels as you speed toward the destination of your positive communication experiences.
Success means choosing hopefulness instead of despair when all hope has been lost.

Success comes from being who you truly are. No fakery, no phony masks, no guilt trips, no jive talking, no hot air, no excuses, no perfect anything. Lasting success comes from talking positively and taking the fear out of changing on a routine basis.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone.

Analyze This

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From the Fall 2004 issue of Community: The Magazine of Wright State University

By Richard Doty

Last fall saw a milestone on the Wright State campus: students, friends, and current and former faculty of the School of Professional Psychology gathered to celebrate the school’s 25th anniversary and a legacy that includes a commitment to diversity and community service and forging new ground in producing doctoral-trained practicing psychologists.

“Wright State’s School of Professional Psychology is a prime example of the best we can do in preparing psychologists for professional careers,” said featured speaker Donald Peterson, who ranked WSU’s program among the top six of the 91 Psy. D. programs in the nation. Peterson is considered the father of the Psy. D. movement, or practitioner model of psychology, in the United States.

When the school was founded in 1978 under the tutelage of its first dean, Ronald Fox, it was among the first university-based programs in the country to grant the Psy. D. degree. Today, it is the degree awarded by most doctoral programs nationwide that emphasize training for the practice of psychology.

“The school has produced many remarkable psychologists over its 25-year history,” said John R. Rudisill, dean. Today, SOPP graduates number over 500 and work in 39 states, plus internationally in Africa, India, and Canada.

Also embedded in its mission is a special commitment to training and serving the needs of a diverse population, especially African Americans and Appalachians. In recent years, approximately half of the SOPP student body has been comprised of ethnic minority as well as persons with physical disabilities.

“The school has served the community through providing services to underserved population for little or no remuneration,” explained Rudisill. These services are primarily offered through the Duke E. Ellis Human Development Institute, located near downtown Dayton, and the Center for Psychological Services, an on-campus facility that is unique for being the only counseling center in the country housed in a professional psychology school.

“In 100 years, the SOPP will still flourish,” explained Rudisill. “Its contributions to our society are vital.”

In fact, the following SOPP grads demonstrate how the school prepares its graduates to practice in a range of settings and roles for today’s rapidly changing society.

Winners Off The Field
Working with professional athletes for more than 13 years, Yolanda Brooks is senior director of player development for the National Basketball Association, a similar position she held with NFL team Dallas Cowboys for seven years. “With some 24 NBA rookies under 20 and 82 players with international backgrounds representing 40 countries, the issues we deal with for personal and professional development engage my psychology training on a regular basis,” she explained. She said SOPP taught her to “think outside the box” and look for “unique opportunities to apply my skills and expertise.”

A 1989 SOPP graduate, Brooks worked as a private consultant and clinician before joining the Cowboys. She said her NBA duties largely replicate her work in Dallas, but on a much broader scale as she assists player development officials from all 30 NBA teams.

“I assess each team and provide the necessary guidance, training, and assistance so that teams can address the needs of their players and their families. This includes such issues as stress management, transitioning, dealing with the challenges of balancing professional and personal life issues, life skills, substance abuse, and parenting. NBA players are always on stage, as they spend as much time with a microphone in their hands as they do with a basketball on the court.”

Change Agent
“Change happens” could be the mantra of Dennis O’Grady, a practicing psychologist in Dayton and author of the popular book Taking the Fear Out of Changing. The 1982 SOPP graduate is the founder of New Insights Psychology Services. “What psychologists do well is help people cope with change,” he explained, “and that is what my practice is all about. I help individuals, couples, and families deal better with change.”

O’Grady’s interest in change has expanded beyond his office practice to include business consulting and nationwide public speaking appearances on such topics as confidence building, dealing with conflict, and conquering the fear of failure. His clients include the U.S. Air Force, NASA, McDonald’s Corp., Ameritech, General Motors, and the IRS.

His book, first published in 1992, is now in its fourth printing, with some 50,000 copies sold. It is an outgrowth of columns he wrote for Dayton area newspapers. “The book had a huge impact on my life. It changed how I think about change by teaching me to enjoy it instead of fear it. I was able to develop the stages of change, which the book explores in depth because they are the emotional building blocks we all need to successfully cope with our hopes, fears and dreams.”

In addition to his book, O’Grady has developed No Hard Feelings, a cassette audio tape program on anger issues and has a new book in the works on communication issues. He remains connected to SOPP as an adjunct clinical faculty member in addition to his independent practice as a family and marital psychologist.

On The Beat
As a deputy chief with the Rochester Police Department, Cedric Alexander takes psychology to the people, but most of his “people” are police officers and administrators. The 1997 SOPP graduate has a combined career of law enforcement and mental health.

“Training as a psychologist is imperative for administrative work,” he explains, “because this usually involves the management of people and/or resources. What we learn and train to do well is understand human behavior. It’s important to know how organizational systems influence our individual well-being and development.”

His duties in Rochester provide ample opportunity for Alexander to pursue this. His responsibilities, for example, include training programs, the family and victim services section, internal affairs, and leadership and management certification.

Alexander’s background includes 16 years as a police officer in Florida and five years as an assistant professor with the University of Rochester Medical Center Department of Psychiatry. His medical center duties included providing mental heath services to police and fire personnel and clinical supervision of medical students.

“SOPP provided me with the skills to better understand people, organizations, and our environment, and this certainly helps in police administration work,” he concluded.

A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Misplace

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Now here’s one of the single most negative thoughts I know human beings everywhere struggle with: “IT keeps going over and over in my head.” While you might believe that nothing you can say or do will work to change IT from happening to you, think again.
In the windmills of your mind, “IT” plays out like this:

1. IT keeps happening to me over and over again.

2. IT made me so angry.

3. IT won’t ever change.

4. IT wastes my time.

5. IT made me feel bad.

6. IT won’t work.

7. IT’s back in my lap.

8. IT’s so upsetting.

9. IT’s hard to.

10. IT’s not always fun to be me.

Well, you get the idea. It’s time to change your “IT” language to “I” language to create positive changes, control what you can control, and let go of what you can’t control. To change your mind about your change chances, you need to substitute “I” thinking for “IT” thinking.
You can interrupt negative thoughts that lead to negative actions and negative talks and fill your mind with negative psychic filler. Ready for a language overhaul that can lead you to try new stress reduction options? Here are the same statements using positive talk tools to disrupt the negative:

1. I don’t have to keep doing the same negative thing over and over again because I CAN AND WILL DO THE NEW!

2. I don’t have to make myself more angry or upset because I CAN CHANGE MY MOOD!

3. I don’t have to resist change because I CAN CHANGE IF I WANT TO APPLY MYSELF WITH OTHERS HELP!

4. I don’t have to waste my time because I CAN AND WILL TALK TO MYSELF MORE POSITIVELY.

5. I don’t have to make myself feel worse about feeling bad because I CAN FEEL MAD AND NOT MAKE MATTERS ANY WORSE!

6. I don’t have to complain about what won’t work because I CAN TAKE NEW STEPS TOWARD MY POSITIVE CHANGE GOALS TODAY!

7. I don’t have to feel bad about how others won’t change or act irresponsibly because I HAVE OPTIONS TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF IN POSITIVE WAYS TODAY THAT I WILL USE!

8. I don’t have to stay upset by upsetting situations or people because I HAVE THE RIGHT TO UPSET MYSELF OR CALM MYSELF DOWN WHEN I’M FEELING BAD!

9. I don’t have to be close-minded and say something won’t work that I haven’t really tried because I AM OPEN-MINDED AND OPEN TO CHANGING MY MIND!

10. I don’t have to be miserable being me and focusing on what I don’t have because I CAN FOCUS ON WHAT I DO HAVE INSTEAD OF WHAT I DON’T HAVE TO ENCOURAGE HAPPINESS!

How are you minding your own mind today? Here’s a poster I want you to print out as an encourager to change the “IT made me do it” thinking to “I talk and act positively for ME” thinking.

“I DID IT TO ME!”

How are you minding your own mind? Are you feeding it lots of positive thoughts or bingeing on negative thinking? You can put a limit to suffering the negative thoughts you dwell in. I think we need to substitute “I” for “IT” right now. It’s (I am) a powerful inner talk tool to calm yourself down when you’re upset and prone to upsetting yourself and others more and more and…

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone

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