Dr. Dennis O'Grady

Listening skills aren’t easy to master. Who says they should be? Truckloads of tools exist to maximize your listening skills.

Maximum listening skills-hearing beyond words to understand the unspoken feelings and purposes that exist beneath them-protect and nourish successful relationships. You, too, can become an excellent listener with practice and patience.

Here’s how to get the most out of your listening skills at work or at home:

1. Be the first one to use positive talk tools.
Never be phony. Let others know often what their unique value is to you. Strong people use kind words freely, while weak people hoard them away for a rainy day. Likewise, be open and honest about your key contributions or unique talents. Are you committed to learning new talk tools that help you get along with almost anyone?

2. Ask open-ended questions.
Freely give information and request information by asking open-ended inquiries. “How…What…When…Where…How much…Why?” questions seek to gather facts rather than shove a biased opinion down a closed throat. Make your goal to get to know what everyone around you really thinks. Are you willing to be surprised how much key data isn’t shared because…”No one has ever asked me before?”

3. Keep your mind open.
Being a know-it-all will turn people off cold. Avoid being narrow-minded by simply saying: “That’s so narrow of me because there are many right ways to solve this.” Go easy on transactions that drip with blame and shame, such as “Why didn’t you…?” “You should have done…!” “Didn’t I tell you to….?” Listening is the exact opposite of blaming. When you are quick to judge people as wrong or bad, then you will be quick to dismiss their experience-earned wisdom. Will you stop trying to change people and start listening to them instead?

4. Repeat what you think you heard.
We all filter and distort communications. During a tense moment, instead of debating or pushing your point harder, try saying: “I think I heard you say…. Am I correct?” Since 83% of communication is “skull talk” or internal discussions you have with yourself, people really aren’t listening to you as much as you might think. Summarizing comments make a distracted person stop and think…and then mentally search for an answer to your directive questions. Are you so caught up in your inner world, or are you trying too hard to fix people, that you don’t really hear the message?

5. Use the stop-and-check technique.
Be like a referee and call a “time-out” when you think your co-communicator hasn’t correctly heard what you’ve conveyed. Firmly remind yourself that you are 50% co-responsible for creating positive outcomes when talking with someone else. Every communicator appreciates stop signs on the fast-moving talk road. Ask in a neutral tone, “Could you tell me what you just heard me say?” Only continue talking when the correct meaning of your message is accurately repeated back to you. How can you solve problems if you don’t understand them first and foremost?

6. Stay in eyeball-to-eyeball contact.
Communicators who are stinging from hurt often make a costly and deadly mistake-they forget to look each other straight in the eye-thereby missing important non-verbal cues. Hurt, anger, fear and sadness come out subconsciously in small telltale gestures. For example, a speaker may be sounding tough and confident, but be feeling scared and vulnerable, while looking around the room and tapping fingers nervously. Can you take a deep breath and listen to what is being said instead of what you think you might be hearing?

7. Refrain from making assumptions about intentions.
“You never make time to talk to me…” “You don’t care what I think or feel…” “You act like I’m unimportant and come last on your list…” “You always blame me for everything…” “Why don’t you just try to understand me?” are assumptions about intentions that are many times tragically untrue. You may be creating a disastrous self-fulfilling prophecy when you act on erroneous assumptions. Are you so intent on being right that you give up being cared for?

8. Always make your goal to understand others better.
When you are feeling frustrated by “Yes, but…” rejection games, remind yourself that your ultimate goal is to better understand how the speaker thinks and feels about an issue that is causing misunderstanding. Your primary mission is not to change people but to understand them better so you can better manage your relationships and your life. Are you willing to re-center your talks by asking yourself: “What direct question can I ask to understand this issue better without getting too emotional?”

9. Remember insensitivity covers up hurt.
No, don’t let a talk antagonist run over you like a speeding train, but do remember that defensiveness is the result of a large ego trying to stay in control of an impossible situation. Refuse to use knee-jerk, anger-ridden paybacks that cause more turmoil. Are your feelings too easily hurt or not hurt easily enough? Are you wise to adopt the strengths of the communicator style that you judge as being dumb and bad?

10. Drop rocks of resentment somewhere safe.
Accumulated resentments sink even the sturdiest relationships and make them go under. True forgiveness means being open to change and freely changing what is causing the difficulties. Wisdom means continuing to learn and grow when everything is going well. Have you found fast ways to let go of angry feelings instead of chronically talking behind backs?

Listening with an open attitude–one without haughty condemnation or blame–is a gift that few of us unwrap and enjoy. Make a commitment to achieving high self-esteem today by using good listening skills that encourage everyone to enjoy peak performance.

Depressive thinking makes you feel down, sad and blue. “What’s the use, I can’t do it anyway.” “I’m selfish because I feel so sorry for myself.” I’m dumb as a rock because I dig in my heels and refuse to change.” Depressive thoughts like these kill your self-esteem.

DEPRESSION NUMBS YOUR POSITIVE FEELINGS

Technically speaking, depression numbs your positive feelings by magnifying your negative thinking. It’s a vicious cycle: Negative thoughts make you feel worse, and the worse you feel, the more negative thoughts you entertain without screening them…and it all becomes enough to make you scream. As you magnify your faults, you stifle your social skills and confidence. Then you will feel shy, cautious about change, lonely, unwanted, unsure of yourself and unmindful of your positive goals.

MAGNIFY YOUR STRENGTHS

Here’s how you can pre-empt those depressive feelings and negative thinking cycles:

1. PROMOTE SELF-TALK THAT PERMITS CHANGE.

You are not your depression-you are a human being. Put up a fight when you are feeling defeated by doom-and-gloom thinking. Challenge yourself with these catchy phrases: “So what’s your point?” “No one can drive me crazy without my permission.” “I’m 50% co-responsible for any mess I find myself in.” “I do get mad but I don’t get even, because getting even just puts me behind.” By the way, do you give yourself the right to make positive choices even when you feel negative?

2. BECOME FRIENDS WITH YOUR HEALTHY ANGER.

Let your anger move you to take positive action instead of keeping you in tears. Do you really need anyone else’s approval to live the kind of life you wish to live? Don’t let negative anger make you prove you’re a perfect or super-strong person, criticize you forever for past failures or seduce you into thinking that the magic pill will be found to make you feel perfectly fine. By the way, do you believe that you are still a good person when you feel bad?

3. TURN DOWN PERFECTIONISM PRESSURES.

Stop constantly putting your flaws and blunders under a magnifying glass for critical checking. Have you noticed that trying to be perfect is never good enough? Do you compare yourself unfavorably to others and then wonder why you come up lacking? Do you mistakenly think that if someone has what you lack that they’re a better person? Come on now. One root of anger is to take anger out at yourself for failing to live up to the expectations of others or yourself. By the way, what would you do if you didn’t have to do it perfectly right to start with?

4. SET DAILY TIME LIMITS TO YOUR SUFFERING.

You manage your mood better when you put a time limit on how long you will obsess about an issue that you can’t really control. Set aside 10 minutes at the same time every day to really feel bad without guilt or remorse. Refuse to stay “down” too long before you try something new to feel better. Forgive yourself for past mistakes by forging new paths today. Don’t fret if you feel worse when you do something that is new and good for your prized relationships and for yourself. By the way, have you written down your positive goals and sent them to yourself in an email?

5. HAVE THE COURAGE TO LIKE YOURSELF AS YOU ARE.

Have the courage to like and love yourself just because you are who you happen to be on this journey right now. You do matter. You matter simply because you do. Who you are will always be more important than what you accomplish. Put your relationship priorities straight: God first, self second, your beloved third, your children fourth, work fifth, friends/co-communicators sixth, community last. By the way, are you able to accept imperfections?

6. DO WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T WANT TO.

Realize that many blue feelings stem from relationship distress or problems that have gone unaddressed. The No. 1 killjoy in life is the failure to communicate, and poor communication inhibits you and your partner from making needed relationship changes. Since prolonged depression can be a form of self-punishment or guilt for imagined crimes, feel deserving of-and give yourself-good treatment. By the way, are you making an investment in learning positive communication skills to keep your relationship alive even when you don’t have time to?

7. WORRY NOT.

Feeling down, sad and blue is a normal part of the human experience. If you’re tired of feeling tired, the technology exists to beat the blues. Most major health insurance plans cover counseling services for this. Expect to feel much better within four to six meetings with coaching on how to talk some sense to your self for a change. After all, you weren’t born to be a worrywart but to be a winner. By the way, do you magically believe that worrying keeps the sky from falling or the other shoe from dropping?

8. DON’T WORRY ABOUT SPREADING YOUR DEPRESSION AROUND.

Feeling down isn’t a flu that you can pass on to a passerby. People who care for you want to help you heal but you alone must accomplish the feat. Although it is true that you can make someone feel good or bad by what you say or do, pass on the “It always is my fault” guilt trip for a change of scenery. Playing the blame game drains the battery of your life energy and leaves no victors. By the way, can you stop putting yourself down for feeling down?

WHY ALLOW DEPRESSION TO ZAP YOUR VITALITY?

Why allow depression to zap your vitality, erase your will to live or remove your capability to persist against great odds? You can beat depression by disrupting the negative inner chatter that wears on your nerves and frays the patience of all who care.

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D. is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone.

Confidence counts. You lose confidence when you negatively believe that past failures or personality flaws are fatal. For example, some people believe that being divorced or losing a job makes them losers; in reality, divorce or losing a job can be the result of positive choices or lead to necessary changes. You gain confidence when you improve yourself against all odds.
Being happy and confident comes more from within than it comes from without. Even if it doesn’t pay to be real-be the real you. After all, you gain confidence when you choose to be a real person with real emotions while considering your life to be a wonder-filled work in progress.
Here’s how to make high self-esteem an option even when you feel down and out:

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #1: TALK POSITIVELY FOR A CHANGE IN YOUR WORLD
Don’t allow your “bad” feelings to determine whether you are a good or bad person. Talk positively for a change in your world. Isn’t it silly to tie a guilt anchor around your neck and then try to swim?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #2: DON’T PLAY THE VICTIM VIOLIN
Learn to use “bad” feelings to improve yourself and be more independent instead of quitting and playing the victim violin. Can you let go of the vengeful belief that people who fail to live up to your expectations (bad people) deserve bad things to happen to them?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #3: USE GOOD ADVICE TO GROW
Assert your right to ask for needed input and support from others who know you well and know what you want in life. Are you actively acquiring others’ life insights by listening to good advice?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #4: BE DIFFERENT–CHANGE TODAY
Ponder your past mistakes but decide how you can and will be different today. What would your life taste, feel, sound and be like if you behaved like the person you are capable of being?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #5: KNOW YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYBODY
Put stock in sustaining high-quality and high-equality friendships, work and romantic relationships by giving and receiving in equal measure. Have you checked in with your most valued relationship customers to find out how satisfied they are?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #6: USE ANGER IN ASSERTIVE WAYS
Use anger innovatively to set healthy relational boundaries and transform procrastination into motivation. Do you know the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger? Do you refuse to play “the anger game” of rejection…resentment…revenge?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #7: COACH YOURSELF TO DO THE NEW
Vow to use anything that works instead of repeating what doesn’t. Why continue to play a broken record? Are you able to coach yourself to refrain from doing what “should” work but doesn’t?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #8: DRIVE DOWN THE TWO-WAY COMMUNICATOR HIGHWAY
Stick with what challenges you the most to grow and change. Replace old, outworn mental maps with new ones that are affirming and pointing you in the right direction. Do you know how to speak caringly and carefully when you feel very vulnerable?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #9: STOP CASTING STONES
By refusing to play the blame game, you recognize that feeling contented and happy takes guts and is a courageous act. Can you change your language from “good/bad” to “positive/negative” in order to stop casting stones of self-criticism and judgment?

SELF-ESTEEM OPTION #10: SET POSITIVE GOALS
Take your heartfelt goals seriously by writing them down in an email to send to yourself. Do you refer back to your positive goals frequently when you feel unfocused or defeated? Do you believe in yourself anew?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone

Feeling more than a bit stressed lately with backed-up phone calls that need to be returned and e-mail pouring in like rain through a leaky roof? Who isn’t? Some days, it seems there’s hardly time to catch your breath or gather your thoughts as you pick up the next phone call. Other days, it feels like the phone simply won’t stop ringing.

Whether you work for a big company or your own small business, phone skills lead the day in getting your message heard and your mission accomplished.

IS YOUR PLATE TOO FULL?

Let’s count the ways you might feel squeezed: You’ve got to manage shrinking time…be a grammatical expert…computer wizard……salesperson…niche marketer…positive communicator…public relations guru…crisis manager…file organizer…success-oriented thinker…dedicated spouse…co-parenting wonder…whew! Nowadays, all tasks seem increasingly important and urgent. And just when you feel caught up, there are new twists and turns to learn in your job.

8 TIPS TO COPE FAST WITH TELEPHONE STRESS

Here are eight tips to cope fast with telephone stress:

1. Respond caringly to the mood of the caller.
Talk Positively: To respond caringly, stop whatever else you’re doing while you’re on the phone. Speak at the same pace and smile across the miles separating you and the caller. This is not the time to multitask or click away on your keyboard at a separate task while you’re talking/listening. Be positive-not distracted. As a rule, do you listen more than you speak?

2. Exude empathy and warmth to all callers.
Talk Positively: To be empathetic and warm, you must genuinely like people and know that what you can do for the caller is more important than what they can do for you. Take a deep breath and focus your mind before you get on the line. Determine what you need to focus on to spend time wisely with your caller. Monitor the tone of your voice. Doesn’t every single customer deserve to bask in your warm demeanor and feel first in the talk line?

3. Pass along the positive vibes.
Talk Positively: Avoid mumbling, grumbling, complaining or acting as if your time is available only for more urgent and important people and projects. A sure turn-off is to make excuses: “You just don’t understand.” “There’s never enough time in the day.” “That’s not how it’s done around here.” “I wish I could help you but…” “Honestly you’ve got it all wrong.” You’ll be the hero if you can provide answers and move the job along closer to completion in these fast-changing times.

4. Don’t hedge your bets.
Talk Positively: When you truly can’t do something, please say so. If you have no intention or delivering or coming through, don’t promise to do something in order to save face or get someone off your back. When you say you will do something, set a specific date and make a verbal guarantee of specific results. Strive to keep your promises knowing this: “Talk is cheap but results priceless.” Doesn’t your reputation or legacy take shape and grow long after you hang up the phone? And remember, learning to say “no” is a well-learned skill.

5. Be the first to apologize for a mix-up.
Talk Positively: Because callers take things so personally, and because you can’t read the nonverbal cues when a caller feels confused, sincerely apologize for glitches, foul-ups or mistakes even when you might not have been at fault. Interrupting the flow of talk to make your point is like cutting across busy traffic lanes on the freeway. Doing so will honk others off. Talking louder to make your point heard loses points and is the kiss of death in business dealings. Are you expecting yourself to travel to new destinations without adhering to rules of politeness on the talk road?

6. Repeat back messages verbatim.
Talk Positively: If you want to assume something, assume that you might not have heard completely what the speaker intended. Positive communicators summarize a lot along the way. Unfortunately, many time-crunched listeners mis-hear core issues, action items or forged agreements. Double-check by using this assertive refrain: “Let me make doubly sure that I’ve heard what you’re saying. Are you saying that…? Is that right?” Do you ever go on to subsequent talk points without first confirming with the speaker that you’ve clearly understood the core purpose at hand?

7. Speak accurately about negatives.
Talk Positively: Problem solving is a core business skill that many shy away from because of a fear of conflict or confrontation. Being positive but telling fibs or other inaccuracies is preaching pie in the sky. Being accurate about negatives is more down to earth and likely to get the job done by downsizing irritations. That’s why you must not try to soft-pedal negatives but hit them head on. Don’t you especially appreciate others’ candor and honesty when their Achilles Heel is exposed?

8. Balance professional courtesy with having some fun.
Talk Positively: Enjoy your work and the people around you who make a positive difference in this world. Enjoy your travels along the two-way communicator highway! Talk positively by relaying something about the caller that you sincerely appreciate. Poke fun at yourself or tell a joke that puts everyone in a good light. Share something personal without spilling your guts. Won’t all work and no play make you dull and boring to be around?

POSITIVE PHONE SKILLS AREN’T SMALL CHANGE

Positive phone skills aren’t small change. They are the currency that keeps every large or small business enterprise afloat during treacherous passages of change.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications trainer and psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.

Losing control feels lousy. Being controlled by others feels worse. Changes that you cannot control will always cause the most negative stress. Here are 10 workable approaches to take back control of your stress.

1. BE OK WITH BEING OVERWHELMED.
You gain control when you don’t have to deny any emotion-pleasant or unpleasant. You lose control when you have to feel “good” or be “perfect” all the time.

2. ACCEPT DISAPPOINTMENT BUT NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT.
You gain control when you don’t label major disappointments as personal defeats. You lose control when you must be “right” or come out on top in every relationship situation.

3. STOP PUSHING YOURSELF TO BE PERFECT.
You gain control when you frame your imperfections as the traits that make you a more complex, compassionate, complete, lovable and genuine human being. You lose control when you use perfectionism as a defense against exposing who you truly are.

4. TALK FROM YOUR HEART WHEN YOU ARE HURTING.
You gain control when you are able to talk openly about your hurts, fears and frustrations without blaming others for your current trials and tribulations. You lose control when you must be “The Strong and Silent One,” a persona that creates disconnected and lonely relationships.

5. TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION IN THE MIDST OF UNCERTAINTY AND HIGH ANXIETY.
You gain control when you realize the insanity of staying stuck in a rut and spinning your wheels to avoid going into the unknown. You lose control when you depend on only one route to get somewhere; as a result, you feel insecure driving down new roads and traveling to new places.

6. DON’T WORSHIP THE STATUS QUO.
You gain control when you refuse to make abrupt and unwise changes that “feel good” but are used to escape a painful reality that has the potential to create growth. You lose control when you make cosmetic changes but fail to make deeper ones.

7. STOP SABOTAGING SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS.
You gain control when you insist on talking positively, especially when your relationship profits are soaring. You lose control when you think that a positive relationship doesn’t require weekly work because you’ve got it so good.

8. TAKE REFUGE IN BEING A DREAMER AND A DOER.
You gain control when you bring your good ideas into reality by walking your talk. You lose control when you talk big and act little.

9. FAIL TO FEAR FAILURE.
You gain control when you don’t allow the fear of failure to drag you down and keep you from trying something new and important to you. You lose control when you blame or shame yourself for failing to learn fast or soon enough.

10. PUT OFF PROCRASTINATING.
You gain control when you live in the present by “fixing” and pleasing yourself for a change. You lose control when you live in the past and try too hard to change, please or “fix” others.

In my classes about dealing with change, I challenge trainees to park in a different parking spot or area at work to begin to get accustomed to taking charge of change. Little changes made every day can help you learn to adapt to the bigger changes that lie ahead. I challenge you to do the same today.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone.